I am the person who will destroy China. (madman101) wrote,
I am the person who will destroy China.

Project SPICE

World Governments Announce New Climate Control Project - (7 minutes ago)

In an effort to head off a nuclear attack from Aliens, angry over our abuse of the Earth's environment, the governments of UK, USA, Libya and Kaos announced today a new plan to combat global warming by deploying giant salt and pepper shakers into space.

The shakers would be built so large, they would loom far into space, beyond significant gravitational pull, and so could easy be deployed simply by having the world's population hoist them up. After being hoist into orbit, the salt and pepper shakers would then be manipulated via ropes and laser beams.

Subsequently, the shakers would disperse their contents into the upper atmospheric layers, seeking to block harmful UV and Infra-red rays, reflecting them back into space. This would successfully cool the planet as well as make it more delicious.

"What is the SALT for, daddy?" asked one reporter.

"Well, Jimmy," said King Waffle of Eggo, "The salt will reflect away the Sun. It will also lower the dangerous acidity of the oceans. Finally, it will salinate the oceans, thus saving them from great changes caused by fresh water coming from the melting ice caps."

"What's an ice cap?" asked another reporter.

"It's an evening drink, like peppermint schnapps."

"Do you salt the rim first?"

"Yes, plus you also suck a lime."

"Is licorice involved at all?"

"No, but sometimes they use ouzo. It's really good. You should try it."

"Wouldn't pouring salt on the planet destroy all of agriculture?" asked a third reporter, who suddenly died of an intense migraine.

"Salt has always been a good thing. It built up the Fertile Crescent. You know, that place that's all desert now..."

"Hey, wait a minute!" Shouted a fourth reporter, stumbling about, grasping his throat, "Wouldn't salt actual MELT the snow and Ice?!"

The man gasped, gurgled, and was spirited away into an awaiting hearse.

"Salt does not melt ice now," said Lord Font Ariel.

"And where do you expect to get this so-called 'salt'?" shouted Oprah Winfrey.

"Armpits. And Utah. Any more questions?"

Adam Sandler shouted from the crowd, "Why pepper? (I've always wanted to say that, ha, ha)."

"Because India sells more of that than chimney soot," replied President Shmezident.

This gay banter went on for several more minutes, carefully monitored by Alien intelligence, laughing hysterically.

The massive, zillion-dollar project, labelled "Project SPICE", (goggle), began as an April Fools Day hoax but was voted into reality by the troubled citizens of all the world's democracies, especially the Italian ones.

Project SPICE would later include Cumin, Chili, and lots of other spices beginning with "C", and also High Fructose Corn Syrup and tobacco, relish and mustard, and discarded computer circuits, body ash and plastic grocery bags, donated by China. Hopefully, enough "SPICE" will be dumped into the happy skies above us that Wall Street can finally stabilize and business can proceed as usual.

However, much disagreement has arisen at a conference of world chefs, and a giant Purple Monster has been circling the planet, salivating and licking his lips. In theory, enough pepper will make him sneeze and go away.

(Chem Trails have previously been used to combat global warming by releasing REFLECTIVE THINGIES into the atmosphere, but were abandoned and never really existed).

- UBS News

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