I am the person who will destroy China. (madman101) wrote,
I am the person who will destroy China.

on the necessity of ignoring reality

Even on my better days, every morning is an anxiety attack for me. (aka, "Panic Attack"). I used to study anxiety attacks when I majored in Psych in college. I knew panic attacks were unique and severe, but I always wondered what they felt like compared to normal anxiety. Then, one day while I was about to raise my hand, in a large class-room, I heard my own heart beating uncontrollably. The guy next to me looked over because he could hear it too. That's when my CFS was beginning. A Zen Master, in my own way, I had completely lost control of my emotions, my strength - my own body. Now, every morning, I must not only slowly work to gain energy, above fatigue or migraines, I must walk a tight-rope, trying to reduce my anxiety, and make it so that I have enough "power" or "ease" to be able to proceed without fear that I'll spiral into a(nother) full anxiety attack.

If the dog barks, or even jumps up to look at something outside, and I'm still desperately trying to relax, finally able to drink a cup of green tea, I can plummet into anxiety so debilitating it can destroy the rest of my day, bringing on a CFS relapse. People have no idea how stressful my mornings are now, simply because I don't know what might arrive in the mail. I generally need to keep my phone/answering-machine unplugged until I am ready to respond to anything - and until I feel some predictability over who might be calling, and why. It's really bad. I can't motivate to take on tasks until this sort of thing is resolved. I merely think of the two main projects confronting me, and the overwhelmingness of either one of them can rip me apart inside, and immobilise me. When ready, I can only approach one or the other of them in tiny, slow, "easy" bites - and rest - do a little more - rest - and only while finally feeling positive. So, today, the mail has come and gone, and now I'm slowly starting up, trying, playing Morrissey, dealing with things, trying to keep out of my mind all the other stresses calling for my attention. I've been taking Buspar, but, like all other meds, if I take it too early, it intensifies the CFS. I have to wait until I'm NOT anxious in order to be ABLE to take the meds! It isn't psychological at all - it is physical, taking on mental issues and fears. It can be crushing. LJ can be a tool for me to eventually gain steam and relaxation.

I wish I could explain this to other people, but it generally can't be explained, especially to certain types of people, almost always relatives - because they see everything in terms of personality, character, competition, and so on. Moreso, I wish I didn't have to keep disappointing or angering people because of these difficulties. I wish I could keep my promises, as I always made a point of doing in the past. But these are simply more things I must BLOCK OUT OF MY MIND, or else the anxiety spirals. I have become far more Zen than I ever was before the illness - but the demands and pitfalls of CFS are hundreds of times more intense than they ever were back then. If I fail to put things out of my mind, such as failure itself, I would crash and burn. It's like anything else - quitting smoking, forgetting a mate, saving money: You just have to believe that those temptations or problems SIMPLY DO NOT EXIST. Cigarettes don't exist. Love doesn't exist. Otherwise, the problems return - well, with CFS/anxiety, the need to block things out is far more pressing... And if my CFS should plummet, so shall my life itself.

I'm doing very well
I can blackout the present and the past now
I know by now you think I should have straightened myself out
Thank you, drop dead

Something is squeezing my skull
Something I can barely describe
There is no love in modern life

I'm doing very well
It's a miracle I even made it this far
The motion of taxis excite me
Will you peel it back and bite me?

Something is squeezing my skull
Something I can barely describe
There is no hope in modern life

Something is squeezing my skull
Something I can't fight
No true friends in modern life

Diazepam (that's valium)
How long must I stay on this stuff?

Don't gimmie anymore, don't gimmie anymore, don't gimmie anymore, don't gimmie anymore, PLEASE DON'T gimmie anymore
You swore you would not gimmie anymore, don't gimmie anymore....
Please don't gimmie anymore
Oh you swore
You swore!
You swore!
You swore you would not gimmie anymore

- Something is Squeezing My Skull - Morrissey

But, you know me. I was born to THINK. And so, I must struggle to train myself only to think certain things, certain ways. It's monumental, and no one sees the quiet victories, or the heroic efforts. I'm just a lazy bum. Why did the IRS send me another letter asking me to pay taxes, when my non-profit was dissolved several years ago? Incompetent bureaucracy? Or are they readying to slam the little guy, as so often happens? I don't know. I CAN'T care about it. I simply NEED to blow it off for now. "The dream becomes sand in my hands..."

Quotes from Morrissey!
Tags: music - lyrics, music - morrissey / smiths, my cfs - (& see health - cfs...), psychology - anxiety

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