I am the person who will destroy China. (madman101) wrote,
I am the person who will destroy China.


In this life, the glass window on my very back door is loose. Sometimes the dime that I keep slipped in there, to keep it tighter, slips out. This time, I went looking for a thicker coin - a penny - to slip in there. I reached into my coinage, for a wee penny, and a little man was sitting on it. A little man was sitting on a little log, on the back of this little 2009 penny. Which was thinner than usual. Why is there a little man on this penny?!?! And only THIS penny?

Every time you flip a coin, it's 50/50. 50 heads. 50 tails. An equal chance every time. (Not so much 100 flips, but 100 animals with both heads and tails, it just depends on how you observe it. Its relationship to you). Yet, you can even get a string of 12 heads in a row, or 12 tails in a row, all from the same 50/50 chance! This is what people don't understand about probability. It's fucked.

And more, who can say what subtle factors are in play, which we can neither see nor measure? Factors as small as a breeze - or an atom - or a subatomic particle, communicating from across the universe? Maybe the overall conditions of flip #2 are JUST SO SIMILAR to those of flip #1, that the coin is virtually destined to fall the same way. Maybe worldline, or "universe", #2 is very nearly the same worldline, or "universe", as #1. Or, maybe it's now a completely DIFFERENT worldline, but one which favours the very same result. Conclusion: Who knows what the fuck is going on? Certainly not Jane Lynch.

Sometimes, you will be dreaming, and in the dream, you feel the need to step into a bathroom. Unfortunately, nothing is right in there, and something always occurs to tell you NOT to finally let loose and pee. Because, you're not in a bathroom - you are alseep in bed. Automatically, you are telling this to yourself. And so a switch is flipped, and the NEXT automatic move you make is to WAKE up, and scramble to the bathroom, IRL. That's what happenned to me this morning. When I woke up, I noticed that my laptop was on. But I hadn't LEFT it on. For some reason, completely unknown to me - maybe it's a new virus or something - the laptop had turned on all by itself, in the night, automatically. Like it had to go to the bathroom or something. This is not good, cuz the laptop was closed, and it can heat up too much...

When I awake sooner that I should, which is almost always - usually because of my urgent dog, wanting to go to the bathroom in the morning - my body systems start snowballing automatically. The stress starts building. I will be unable to go back to sleep. My heart speeds up, blood/pressure goes to peripheral areas of my brain, when the central areas are still wanting - and so those areas start spinning rapidly into migraine or relapse - and there can be no turning back. Once you awaken with a migraine, you are basically stuck with it for the rest, or unrest, of the day.

Or, you can wake up and all your peripheral senses tell you things are normal, but when you drink the caffeine in your green tea, you realise that the central areas have been critically deprived, and so you careen into a cascade of CFS stress, pain and dysfunction. It's like a computer starting up, except a retarded computer - and the systems in biology are not linear and logical, like a computer. They are cycles, followed by cycles, surrounded by cycles. Sometimes, you can have a sub-cycle running when the main one is off, or have two running at the same time, when they shouldn't be, etc.

In CFS, the lower, primal, cellular cycles don't like it, but the rest of the body clock goes haywire, against their signals or commands. All because, theoretically, of a common retrovirus, which most everyone HAS, which attacks you when you're vulnerable - and also attacks you when you recover... Cuz it, too, is a CYCLE. You can't talk to it and say, "OK, why don't you do logical things now?!" Because CFS is just NOT that fucking easy, kids.

Disabled means disabled. And, some silly Christians have it in their heads that if they just hit upon the RIGHT way to talk to the disabled, they can get them to "cooperate", just as Jesus made the lame walk. And if not, no worries, that means the disabled are POSSESSED by EVIL or something pathetic....

My CFS is like PTSD. The body remembers the memory. The memory has become part of the body. A little noise, and the cascade of stress and torture begins! Unstoppable. CFS is just a new system - a whacked version of normal health. But even in normal health, you turn the healthy key, and the wheels start turning, the cycles proceed, you have your day, life moves on. Unstoppable. So long as the system is running. So long as you keep to its worldine. Its universe. It wouldn't do well to suddenly become a different one - a fungus or a chair - cuz then you would die. Access not allowed.

How do we cure illness? By removing the dys-systematic infectors, coaxing the body towards a NEW, healthier style or system. We try to get the body to "remember" - from the past, from its stem cells, from its genes, from its memories - how to be normal again - how to slip out of one worldline, or universe, and into another one. It's like using your psychic concentration to focus on a coin, and try to convince it to fall just like it did before - to convince it that all the conditions are pretty darned close to when it fell that way before, so hey, right? Come on! "You ken dooo eet!"

Hell, a coin falls 50/50 here, 50/50 there, so what's the big deal about maybe nudging it a little, somehow, psychically? It's not outside of the realm of possibility!!! And worldlines: We did what we did, we didn't do what we didn't do - we will do what we do and we won't. All possibilities are out there. You die now, in this worldline - but in half of all the infinite OTHER worldlines, you died sooner, and in the other half, you died later.

So, isn't it possible that we can nudge ourselves slightly towards or away from different, but NEARLY identical, worldlines - and maybe live a little longer, or maybe die a little sooner?! Subtle factors like subatomic quanta, dreams, hope, love, anger, stress, interpretation, prayer, hatred, toxins, malnutrition - these can become critical to switching tracks, between healthy or unhealthy systems, cycles or worldlines, or "universes".

But SYSTEMS - they are, in this world, far more complex than the flip of a coin. And when you've got a system running a CFS programme, using CFS memory, using retroviral cycles - well, nudging it isn't so easy. You've got to work on MANY of its cycles at the same time, and hope for some large "Hoffdink" switch-over - or quantum leap.

When I was a child, sitting in the back of our car, I was thrown to the front, in a collision, cracking my skull against the back of the front seat - or the dashboard, or something. All I remember is that all the bloodied up people, who were injured less than I, were treated, and I was taken home, vomitting along the way. I felt like crap. That night, I was cold, and bereft, so I went into my parents room and started putting on clothes, over clothes. I needed warmth. I needed insulation from harm. I needed my mother.

Well, turns out: If that accident had never happened, and I hadn't had my skull fractured, I probably wouldn't have CFS today. My life would have been completely different - and so, SO much better. Instead, I am ground into an ashtray like a cigarette butt, by asshole people who vote for TeaBaggers. Cuz I won't pull myself up by my bootstraps.

But, now that my father is dead, you'd think that he'd realise that my bootstraps were taken away from me, when he slammed that car into that other car. See, out there are 50% of the worldlines, or "universes", wherein my father is NOT dead - and you'd think if I tried nudging him a little bit, one of these guys would wake up and say, "Hey! Let's alter some realities a little bit! Let's remove some memories! Let's make it so my son can live in a new worldline, where my accident will no longer live in his body's memory! What the hell, right? Who's gonna notice? A bunch of viruses? They have more say than my own SON?"

And this explains why people pray to God.

BTW - a squirrel left me an almond pit, prominently on the railing, in thanks for all the food I've been leaving out. This has happened so often before, from all sorts of animals, that I am quite convinced that gift-giving is a common habit of animals. They say even Big Foot leaves out presents at your doorstep. But, never a dead Bigfoot.


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