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* - galaxy


Posted on 2010.05.27 at 14:34
Hallmark Protests "Thinking of You" Contract

(AP) - Hallmark Greeting Card Company announced today that it would be taking to the streets in Washington D.C. to protest what it eloquently calls, "Wanton diffidence from the Obama Administration." Yesterday, Defense Secretary Robert Gates announced the reward of a lucrative Greeting Card contract to a Chinese sheet-metal manufacturer, rather than to Hallmark, a quaint NPR-like American company. In a preemptive salvo in the ongoing BP "Gulf War", the government contract is for the manufacturing and mailing of millions of greeting cards to the residents and businesses along the Gulf Coast. These cards would presumably be paid for later by British Petroleum, but in the words of Rahm Emmanuel, "Don't count on it - ha ha."

The cards, representing the U.S. Government, are designed to stay the rising tide of impatience and disgust over the greatest environmental disaster in U.S. history, depicting a smiling Barrack Obama, and bearing the salutation, "Thinking of you!"

Originally, the card was intended to say, "Like a swanky dominatrix, Ken Salazar is making BP work for YOU!" However, this card was rejected due to a misprint, over which someone was fired. When questioned about this earlier version of the card, President Obama said he was unaware, and added, "And ya know... How many Republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" Good cheer and abundant methamphetamines broke out following the President's remarks.

Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton was hurridly attempting to quash, "The whole 'boot-on-the-neck' misunderstanding."

"What that was referring to," said Hillary, "Was our intention to apply a boot to the actual broken pipe lying at the bottom of the ocean, in a very scientific, diplomatic, war-like manner."

But a BP company spokesman said this Liberal, Big-Government approach was unnecessary, because, "We are already banging away at the pipe with a monkey wrench." This statement was confirmed as valid by CNN videotapes, and Coast Guard Admiral Fat Albert.

"Well, I don't know 'bout all dat," said an oily shrimp-boat guy from the Delta, "Alls I know is dey ain't doin NUPHIN! But I got me a nice little card from BP! It said, 'The Three Little Pigs want to give you $50,000 and a brand new Katrina Mobil Home, if you promise not to say anything!"

When asked about this, Hillary Clinton said, "Well, actually it's true that our President is committing to supporting BP's promise," by contracting the same Chinese company producing the "Thinking of You" cards. "But there is no truth to the rumors that these trailers are contaminated with Chinese drywall, benzene, formaldehyde, defective steel, crude oil and methamphetamines. Let me remind you that we are doing everything in our power to go to war with NORTH KOREA. And both China and Joe Sestak are supporting us in this obfuscation."

At the White House news conference today, Mr. Obama asserted, "I kinda like the whole idea of a "Three Little Pigs" greeting card," rather than the "Thinking of You" card. "Little piggies are so cute and no one wants to see them all covered with oil - unless it's a Memorial Day barbecue ha ha". He added, "I did not know we were at war with Korea, but let me assure you, we are thinking about it. We are thinking about every possible thing."

Meanwhile, a Chinese nuclear submarine was seen in the vicinity of the BP oil leak, shooting off firecrackers.


freaky_rara at 2010-05-28 03:54 (UTC) (Lien)
I have to run to Hallmark. I smell like oil.
where hypotheses come to die
madman101 at 2010-05-29 03:07 (UTC) (Lien)
sounds like a plan!

sorry - this post could have been so much more funny if I hadn't been swamped with cognitive dissonance...

serious :(
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