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Iceland Attack Threatens New End-of-World

Posted on 2010.04.21 at 11:19
Dear LiveJournal,

Thank you for being there through all the years I have been a fucktard. When I was down and out, you were always there, lording over me like a sinister dominatrix, snickering with a pickle in her hoo-ha, temptingly chaste. Like a voluptous woman, you have gave yourself to my wayward sex cravings - an imaginary playmate ready to fulfil my every fetish, me likening myself to some literary genius, but knowing I am but a butt - a butt of a dirty cigarette burning for your filthy hot monkey love. In the depth of my longings, I squeeze your fruitful breasts like big balls of dough - the perfect size for making two extra-large pizzas - bigger than grapefruits but smaller than really big ostrich eggs - and you always remember that I don't want meat - anything but meat - except for anchovies - I love anchovies - anchovies are like the living embodiments of the feminine spices of your sweet forbidden nether-regions, Ohio and Tupalo, Mississippi, to which I have never been, but they say get fairly muggy this time of year. Hold me, LiveJournal, in your great flabby, cancerous arms, coughing like some extinct Do-do bird - do me, DO ME! Fondle my pop-tarts like strawberry strudle, crumbs dripping from your giant silicon-injected lips of yore, you filthy, filthy stranger. Whore me out as you vampire prostitute, commenting in other people's journals, spreading your social love disease, until we make the entire planet some great orgie dedicated to flowery words of intercourse - words of thoughtful orgasm of the throbbing, convoluted, adrift and abnormal mind, soon to be disected in some Russian psychology class, following the teachings of Pavlov and Lamark. I can think of no better purpose for my life - to love you to the fullest - to roll your giant blubbery body in fields of allegory and seas of entangling green slimy stuff which could be turned into biofuel but we only use it to satisfy our fickle frolicking derangement. I worship you. I adore you. I pluck your long-gone virginity in my dreams involving carhops and valets, as well as famous animal-rights activists, and always those women from Desperate Housewives are in there too for some reason... But they couldn't hold a candle to you but if they did then you would explode cuz you always be farting like a fricken drunken cow ya damned whore I love ya kiss kiss kiss mmmmmmm.......! 4/21/10 - In a surprise move, the Government of Monaco announced today that it is preparing to fire a volcano in the direction of Iceland, unless Iceland ceases it's relentless assault on the European economy.

"This is intolerable," Said Prince Abu Zoozbar, Minister of State, "Iceland is not only agressively expanding it's sphere of influence, it is getting in all the news magazines. Like, I just read a story about Iceland dating some damn rapper in New Jersey." Monaco's move is the latest in a dangerous new arms race potentially destroying life as we know it, resulting in more commercials, American-like rudeness, and scalp-itching.

When asked about it's volcanic campaign, Iceland stated that it was only taking what was owed, after so many years of being kept in the margins of world attention. "We are a global power now," said Yergen Soapsudsen, "We once had the fastest growing economy, based on green energy and slick finacing by Oldman-Sacks, and then we were cast into the dirt by an insane global economy. It's time for revenge! It's time to flood your markets with tiny shards of glass and relics of microscopic space people from distant galaxy." "What the fuck?" responded England's Minister in Charge of Migratory Birds.

Meanwhile, a blanket of fine black snow drifted over Europe and western Asia, creating deceptive post-card scenes of holiday chear and exploding airplanes.

Japan and New Zealand expressed strong support for Monaco, and in a symbolic move, organised several mass-sychronised farting events, in the hopes that this would somehow accomplish something as yet to be determined. At least one thing is certain: We are living in different times, a time called Armageddon, where sex and cheap thrills consume us in our dying days, and fill the pages and screens of our tabloids, so yeah we're making out like bandits ha ha ha, ya damn fools.

Many damned fools responded by saying, "What is a volcano?"

China maintains that "Top Gear is to blame"... http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/46087320.html

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