A few nights ago, accidentally spilt some beer on the carpet. The next day, a full beer bottle was lying on that spot. I thought this was odd. Then I noticed, the day after THAT, that the bottle was now a full 12-pack. What is stranger, there were now beer bottles growing out of the floor all over the place. I'd say there were almost 100 bottles sticking out of the ground, all the way to the kitchen. And it's all good beer, mainly.
I started trying to clean them up and I got hungry for a big brick of tofu, so I went to the fridge, with my dog following me. I opened the fridge door and there was a naked woman in my fridge! Completely shocked, I quickly slammed the fridge door but not before I saw her eyes look at me. I ran into the living room, freaking out. My dog was barking, so I know it was an actual woman in there. Why?!!!
So, I'm trying to calm my nerves and my heart down by taking some fish oil and soy isoflavones, snuggling in the couch-bed under a half a dozen pillows. Then I hear this tiny whistle noise,or maybe it was some kind of static electricity or something. Anyway, immediately after that,there is this giant CRASH, like a tree fell on the house of something, and I hear beer bottles bursting and the dog runs upstairs.
I look out from my pillows and see that a TOILET had actually fallen through the ceiling. There was debris everywhere. It had fallen out of the frickin sky. It was smokey - like dry-ice smoke. I got up to check it out, and a little engraved plate on the back of the toilet said, "A gift to you from Tech Support." Tech Support? What? Who Tech Support?! PeoplePC? I look around further and find another marking, "Made In India".
Just then there is a knocking at the door, plus the K-Mart door buzzer is ringing. I go to the door, while my dog barks upstairs. I open the door. Standing there is my next-door neighbour, Big Ed.
"Are you alright?" he said.
"Uh... Yeah. Some toilet fell through my fuckin roof!"
"I know, I saw it. It's happened to other people. It's been on the news. Someone is making a food drop - but this isn't Haiti - and they're dropping furniture and stuff!"
"Are you kidding me," I said, my brain all fogged up with stress.
Then he starts playing with his cell phone. I continue, "Plus there's a fuckin woman in my fridge."
"What?" He shuts the phone and puts it back in his pocket.
"There's a naked woman in my refrigerator."
He appeared dumbfounded. After a pause, he asked, "What does she look like? Sara Palin?"
"Yeah!" I say, "Except younger, with curly brown hair - long. But still with the crib notes."
He gave a little cough and spit up a gummy bear, then said, "That's my sister!"
(I could hear my dog snickering upstairs).
"She... She died three days ago..."
"Well the what the fuck is she doing in my fridge?! She's not dead!"
"Oh yes she is."
Then he told me the story about how, last week, he had to take his car to the Toyota dealership, but his sister offered to try and fix the accelerator herself. That was OK with him, so he could go off to a weekend convention without having to worry about it. But he advised her not to try to do too much, since she was only a poor wee tinker who made a living cobbling Nikes. So, he left her there as she worked away in the closed garage, lying under the car...
"I came back a few days later. There was this snow all around. But there were no footprints around the garage. And the garage door was still closed. But she was in there. Under the car. Dead."
I brought the police back there, and the car was collapsed on the ground. But her body wasn't there. Just the silhouette of blood and hairs. It would have been impossible for her to get out from under that car, even if she were alive. You say she's in your fridge now?"
I said yes, and invited him in to remove his sister from my fridge. We passed through the living room, past the meteorite toilet. Big Ed looked up to survey the big hole in the ceiling, and my dog upstairs lifted his leg and squirted some piss down into Big Ed's eyes.
"Hmmmmm," said Ed, "Tastes like beer!"
At that very moment, I swore I heard a voice from the kitchen say, "Boooooo! How's all that 'Hope-y, Change-y' stuff workin out for ya?! Boooooo!"