Asphyxiated Press: Some of us can still remember a time when popcorn was so fresh that you could almost eat it right off the cob. With the institution of NAFTA and GATT in the Twentieth Century, however, those days are long-gone. Gone, you might say, with the Antarctic Ice Shelf, credit cards, and that old expression, "Word!"
But one little company in Branson Missouri is determined to change that, and to bring back the old home-spun popcorn that your Uncle Flying Weevil used to make. Formerly a micro-potato investment firm, Quantum Fartz Unlimited, with a handsome donation from the ever-dying Andy Williams, is working like the Dickens and burning the midnight oil and feeding it's workers extra broccoli, to try and make popcorn American once more. Armed by modern shiz-bang machinery which pops each delicious kernal one at a time, thus sidestepping the International rules on mass-poppings, Quantum Fartz, headed by the esoteric T. Boone Pickens, is poised to steal the hopping mad popcorn market away from Xiang Xio Xeu Xeu, China, which currently feeds one half the planet.
In 1999, exclusive, universal popping rights were purchased by the Chinese government, and buttery popcorn ceased being popped in the United States, formerly the great dame of all things cornish. Thereafter, all popcorn in this God-forsaken country has been imported from China, with a somewhat stale, and uniquely lead-tinged, quality. Pickens, deflated by the failure of his scheme to sell natural gas to blubber-ladened Eskimos, hit upon the idea of purchasing several Indian Reservations in the West, where the fine art of popcorn-popping was still remembered, and where Euro-waving visitors were fattened up on the sweet-smelling manna mixed with peyote and paper pulp, quickly available as compliant pawns in the prostitution and drug trades. On these safe "hallowed" zones, protected from many international trade restrictions, except the ones requiring Mexican farm-hands, Pickens recruited the earthly genius of Quantum Fartz with it's expertise in the booming field of micro-popping, which had formerly been applied to blue-green algae for some reason. Now, Pickens says he has enough contracts to begin a new "popcorn invasion", which he compares to the 1960's phenomenon of the invading British Trotskyites, "Which were darned near as revolutionary as them confounded chirping bed-bugs," said Pickens, knowingly.
Following the announcement on Monday, Quantum Fartz's stock ballooned through the roof like a giant mound of hot and sexually-explicit tin-foil. But all the gay excitement was not without its prudish detractors. The great and honorable corporate megalith, Wal*Mart, released a statement by its perenially-deceased "Sam Walton", claiming that a lawsuit was in the works, "On behalf of all who see China as a shining beacon on the hill and a healthy alternative to American Impetuousness." Ever since the so-called "Fuckin Popcorn Motherload," in which the W.T.O. awarded all subsequent popping rights to China in return for shaggy muffins, Wal*Mart has been doing a hefty trade exporting raw, un-popped corn kernels from the bleeding hands of Midwestern Elf-People, into the walls of China, where they are popped, mixed with available cancer-causing flavor agents, and coated with wood-stain, a preservative and hallucinogen, then shipped back to Wal*Mart in the USA. "Why we always be so drunk?" shouted an American Elf-Person, swilling his salty concoction of Han-Pop and natural gas derivatives, after a hard day toiling in the cornfields of damnation... "Its like we got no say in... huh?"
It is just such retards that Quantum Fartz aims to emancipate, setting them loose once again on the already over-burdened family court systems and hillbilly TV talk shows, all the while savoring their fresh morsels of American-Made popcorn between quickly disintegrating stubs of rancid tooth enamel.
"There's a health crisis in this country," says Anwar McDamit, Executive Director of Quantum Fartz, Belgium. "So many people are dropping like flies in corn syrup because that's basically all anyone eats anymore. We need alternatives to diabetes and heart disease. We need to trade in the sweets for salty, non-nutritive foods which were once widely abundant in this country. And if that means a slight rise in Pellagra and Rickets, I'm OK with that."
"But what about the Wal*Mart suit?" asked this crafty reporter. "What do you mean?" said McDamit, "I got this suit at Target."
"Oh, oh!" he continued, "Well, we're not afraid of that, despite the large mass of Chinese soldiers now gathering in British Columbia, ......for tea, ostensibly. Anyway, the Chinese know that if they invade that will just bring down land values, and they can't afford to suffer that kind of loss."
"What really concerns us is this new technology being patented in China. Well, actually it was used here first. Called fire. We're really concerned about them cornering the market on that.