Wisdom is the retention of innocence through adversity.

sun 12:30 am

as the day went on, the big black beetle in my brain slowly awoke and began nibbling away at my cortex.  the more i tried to do things, the more i hit roadblocks...  until i eventually found myself standing, looking at a bundle of vain strivings i had no interest in negotiating.  it was the kind of day when all successes had evapourated into a rainy mist, and one is left with nothing much to do but whimper, and await the hour when dreams and warm covers will drug one into a lonely delusion of progress.  one of those days when you just want to cry.  but after a while in bed, the beetle subsided, my mind recovered, and i returned to the real ME - alert and excited again about conquering the world - even if that meant merely insulating a window.  but too late again.  the hour is now too late.  i am forced by necessity to try to sleep - sleep while keenly aware of all the lost hours and days of opportunity - or happiness - and yet so eager now.  sleep with no chance of this dilemma ever ameliorating.  the beetle shall rise again - every few days - not to mention the migraines, intense fatigue, heart probs, and far worse symptoms.  the big black beetle is the Vampire of Motivation - that aspect of CFS which doctors stupidly call "depression".  when in fact, it is a painful electrical, PHYSICAL storm in my brain.  a matter of blood flow, glucose utilisation, mitochondria, protein kinase, neural gating, dysynchronous processing and such.  it is merely the lesser of symptoms.  a symptom invisible to others.  and inviting all kinds of misunderstanding and blame.  leave me alone - is all i want.  instead i get a library full of gossipping cunts.
.