sun 12:30 am
as the day went on, the big black beetle in my brain slowly awoke and began nibbling away at my cortex. the more i tried to do things, the more i hit roadblocks... until i eventually found myself standing, looking at a bundle of vain strivings i had no interest in negotiating. it was the kind of day when all successes had evapourated into a rainy mist, and one is left with nothing much to do but whimper, and await the hour when dreams and warm covers will drug one into a lonely delusion of progress. one of those days when you just want to cry. but after a while in bed, the beetle subsided, my mind recovered, and i returned to the real ME - alert and excited again about conquering the world - even if that meant merely insulating a window. but too late again. the hour is now too late. i am forced by necessity to try to sleep - sleep while keenly aware of all the lost hours and days of opportunity - or happiness - and yet so eager now. sleep with no chance of this dilemma ever ameliorating. the beetle shall rise again - every few days - not to mention the migraines, intense fatigue, heart probs, and far worse symptoms. the big black beetle is the Vampire of Motivation - that aspect of CFS which doctors stupidly call "depression". when in fact, it is a painful electrical, PHYSICAL storm in my brain. a matter of blood flow, glucose utilisation, mitochondria, protein kinase, neural gating, dysynchronous processing and such. it is merely the lesser of symptoms. a symptom invisible to others. and inviting all kinds of misunderstanding and blame. leave me alone - is all i want. instead i get a library full of gossipping cunts.
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