Log in

No account? Create an account
juin 2019   01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30
* - galaxy

here's why I have a dog's brain

Posted on 2004.11.22 at 16:28
OK. So here's why. This is a story which deserves a LONG entry, but fuck it. I will have to ask you to believe two things - 1 CFS, at it's worst, is one of the most cruel and devastating illnesses there is. As a matter of a fact, it has the highest suicide rate of any chronic illness. 2 - My Alaskan Malamute, my old dog, now deceased, was the love of my life for a few years. She was an amazing, wise, sweet, fearless, and psychic animal who knew I was ill, and who knew how to deal with me and my illness. She was sent by fortune to help rescue me. Now her brain is in my bedroom.

To read more about this dog, see my poem, "Thunder Falls", in my bio.

Well. I couldn't walk much. But I began walking more when I began taking Lady Baby for walks. At night, because my eyes were sensitive to light, my brain was sensitive to noise, my heart was sensitive to any change or danger. Eventually, our walks became longer and longer - which meant I had to have relapses due to the exercise. And we got to walking in the day time. She always seemed to have some kind of nervousness problem, and other small probs. A few years ago, on July 2, I took her for a walk on a humid day, with the temp outside in the 80's. It was a long walk - another adventure for us. After so many times of telling her, "Listen - that's a TRAIN...", we finally saw a real train together. This was our last time together. Her walk slowed. I ran out of water for her. We kept stopping for her to rest in the shade. Her pace would pick up a little when she recognised our neighborhood. But withing a block of my house, she collapsed, and could not go any farther. I happened to have a blanket with me - which I had found down by the tracks. I asked some dude to help me - after some jerk refusing me - and we carried this HUGE dog to my house. She rested on the cool porch floor. We brought her inside. She rested. And then, she had some very strange stomach noises, and she gasped in severe pain, and I put my mouth to her ear, and I said, "OK - it's OK - you can go. Come on now. We can go..." And she lightly lifted her paw to me. And she was gone. We loved each other.

I moved her rigor-mortified body into the dining room. And called Animal Control. I asked them to put her in a freezer - indefinitley if possible.

I'm telling you, I was filled with unbelievable grief, and guilt. And I knew there was something more than heat exhaustion to her death. I may post more on this.

Well, I had been a local activist, and lay expert, on CFS, and related illnesses. I had heard of a study being done by a scientist on a possible relation between peopel with CFS and the death of their pets. So I tried frantically to find this guy. I finally contacted him, an Aussie, and asked him to study my pet. He said the study was finished - but he would see what he could do. What he need was a sample of my pet's brain to be sent to him.

Why was I doing this? I wanted this noble animal to have died for a reason - to help others, and other pets. And I wanted to know why she died. And I wanted to help others wherever I could. The thought of sending her brain somewhere was horrifying to me - and trying.

I got in contact with a local vet who had done an autopsy on a pet previously. He didn't want to do this, but I convinced him. So I paid him to retrieve the frozen cadaver, thaw it down, and operate on the dog - 1- to get her brain, 2 - to do a regular autopsy. Well, this guy was a real conceaited snot of an asshole, and he went through all this shit about me purchasing formalin for him, which is like formaldahyde. So I got that, and we were set to go, and I made my request/instructions very clear. But he never did the formal autopsy - he only retrieved the brain. And actually, it was only the midbrain - and not the all-important cortex, where CFS lesions have been known to occur. So I was pissed, and boy did I make an ass out of myself yelling at him at the animal clinic.

So, I ended up with the midbrain/brain-stem of my Lady Baby, and I don't remember why I never sent it to the Aussie. I believe the Aussie had simply given up on this, and fell out of touch, probably after talking to the asshole vet. I had really hoped an Aussie could pull through for me - but I guess the stangnacy of Rockford thinking eventually got the better of him. He hated America, too - ha!!!!!

So, that's it.

She loved Brahms...


(Deleted comment)
where hypotheses come to die
madman101 at 2004-11-23 03:01 (UTC) (Lien)


Yeah - nothing ever hit me so hard as that, and, because of my illness - I basically relapsed for the next 6 months, and was sad for the next two years. She was wonderful - and really like a gift from the gods.

CFS is Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Doesn't sound like much at all - but if people only knew!!! I tried to help a LJ girl who apparently was in the first stages of it, but her sister came in and destroyed everything.

vampchristine at 2004-11-23 01:29 (UTC) (Lien)


You know Brendan, I want you to check out a book Touch with Fire, its about artists with Bipolar, the CFS and Bipolar can be concurrent. I am Bipolar. I go through extremes where Im really active but when I get depressed, Im really depressed. I know your thinking you Bitch how dare you but, I think you would like this book, its about authors,poets and artists with it. I really do think you would like it. Please dont take offense to me suggesting this book, I think you may get some kewl info from it or just a good read.
where hypotheses come to die
madman101 at 2004-11-23 02:55 (UTC) (Lien)


Sure - I'm sure it'll be great - and some other jnl friends would like to hear about it. Thanks.

However, I need to let people know that CFS is entirely physical illness. There is a huge struggle it's victems face in confronting a society which labels them as lazy, depressed, weak, crazy, etc. And I mean huge. Even from most docs. And to add to this, CFS exibits a physical effect which appears to the outside world as depression, when it is very much not. In fact, many medical indicators are OPPOSITE to those for depression. But most docs don't know this. And even to get SSI, a person w/ CFS is often forced to admit to depression in addition to CFS. Humiliating.

Finally, anyone with a chronic illness get's depressed. However, there's so much more to CFS.

And by the way folks, CFS is not caused by Epstein Barre Virus, or any others. It has not been found to be contageous. The pet study I mentioned found no correlation/causality. Nor have any others. I got my CFS from an exposure to a pesticide.
vampchristine at 2004-11-23 05:32 (UTC) (Lien)


I dont mind the label of being depressed or having bipolar... some people like you said try to label others to hide their own flaws and demons. At least I admit my flaws that is my take on it. I have this whole outlook on society in general right now. Im sorta sick of dealing with people, I just am. I have my few certain individuals that i deal with but others look at you from afar and make presumptions about you, so I have a couple of words for them (suck it) I bet you feel exactly the same way Brendan. Also with your CFS and doctors not acknowledging it, I have TMJ in my jaws... talk about a bunch of bs with docs over that... It took a year after the initial dislocation of my jaw for a oral surgeon to operate, the first time he saw me, I had my tongue pierced and he asked well are you having problems during oral sex is that why you came in here? Im like no asshole, I cant even fit a cheeseburger in my mouth, what makes you think I can fit a wang there? so I was pissed and ended up waiting a year to go back, then the bastard goes why did you wait so long to come back after being in so much pain... I had MRIs done and my Disc between by maxilla and mandible slipped between the two and out, I was getting bone spurs from my two bones rubbing together! so I dont really care for docs!
where hypotheses come to die
madman101 at 2004-11-23 16:54 (UTC) (Lien)


Here here. Docs are such fools - esp. around here. I almost puched one - at a crisis time in my life, he agrees to see me for CFS, and then says he won't examine me because it CFS doesn't exist. He tries to tell me it's JUST low thyroid. I formally request his notes, and he's written, "Patient is in denial of his illness!"

Yeah, I've read about the similar TMJ horror stories.

Sorry to hear you can't fit a Wang in your mouth. Those are big computers, though.
where hypotheses come to die
madman101 at 2004-11-23 02:57 (UTC) (Lien)


Sorry about your bipolar. It's tough. A lot of people have it. And yes, mostly geniuses!!
vampchristine at 2004-11-23 05:22 (UTC) (Lien)


Its ok
where hypotheses come to die
madman101 at 2004-11-23 16:57 (UTC) (Lien)


Oh - nothing wrong with admitting depression. But not when you've got something very dif. I had a serious depression and I know what it is. Bad. But CFS is really really bad. But don't want to get into a "mine's worse than yours" thing. That's sick too.
vampchristine at 2004-11-24 02:27 (UTC) (Lien)


I have to say you rock! I was thinking about your illness and my illness(which I dont take meds and I should). I was thinking yeah how screwed up it is that docs wont believe and wont say that there is CFS. I know it must be like banging your head against a wall. **hugs and kudos** my friend your a very strong human being.

Ps I saw elf... there were some cute parts but, it was a kids movie totally.
where hypotheses come to die
madman101 at 2004-11-24 19:45 (UTC) (Lien)


Strong. You have no idea. My life story is mindboggling. I don't know or care if I'm strong anymore. Most of whatever it is is just habit by now. I just want to be - o jeeze - I can't even remember her name...

Thanks though. I don't get many compliments. Or I don't remmeber them or soemthing. I suck.
vampchristine at 2004-11-25 05:32 (UTC) (Lien)


well you deserve compliments, your a smart guy, and with one helluva sense of humor-alot of people dont have that!
Previous Entry  Next Entry