4:30 pm tuesday
i am listening to joy bahar (radio guest host), interviewing michael moore about hillary clinton. and michael moore is right parallel to my feelings about her. i love hillary, but she is seriously disgusting me. it's interesting, because joy is a big hillary supporter, and now she seems to be moving towards obama. ok - even though you will get this post AFTER the pennsylvania primary - i am predicting that hillary will slip by, but mainly because there will be voter fraud in philly. i earlier predicted obama would win, but that was long ago, before the Wright stuff, and before i realised how ARKANSAS pennsylvania is. There is the Obama hope of cell phone voters, but this is not enough to "close the deal". When you have McClinton on the right, fudging things...
my experience of pennsylvania - it is full of old people and negativity and bombastic entrepreneurs. and philly is half black - in a very operative way. it is about 500% slower than new york. and pompous - full of liberal elitism/correct. and pittsburgh is trying to be progressive but it is surrounded by regressivism. and there are 14 year olds in pittsburgh who would date guys a lot older than them, and that's mainly due to all the old people, and the west virginia hillbilly ethic. i like pittsburgh, but not enough - when there's portland. pittburgh is kind of like albuquerque compared to philly.
i need to note - i thought joy bahar was some lady i loved on radio WABC out of NYC. i'm sorry, i was stupid - the lady i was actually thinking of was Lynn Solomon (Samuel?) - and now i don't know what ever happened to Lynn Solomon (Samuel?) - SHE WAS AWESOME! does anybody know?
I feel really good. I had so much hope and ambition friday, and i got thing done, and i dreamt up things to complete on saturday, BUT on saturday i plunged into yet another senseless cfs relapse - which lasted until today. i get so completely frustrated. but today things seem a little better. i have money.
reports of rice shortages on the west coast - wheat shortages on the east coast. this is scary - because, in the rest of the world, people are digging through dirt to find rice and wheat. we are living in crap ass times dudes.
i am disgruntled and infuriated by the state of the world. to me, it is not depressing, because i have to deal with this whole cfs crap, but if it weren't for that, it would be severely depressing. gotta fight! gotta stay awake! gotta live goddam it!
how are you faring in these times? i would really like to know.
if any of you are hurting please tell me and i will see how i can help ok?
today, after i picked up my car, i went to the food pantry. i promised kurska i was bringing her home the car today and som BREAD. it bothers me that she likes bread so much - though it is so cheap. wheat makes her lick everything into obscurity. plus it makes her wet her bed. but she loves it. it's strange. she will sometimes choose bread over meat. but the main thing the food pantry offers is BREAD - although it actually had fresh spinach today.
me and kurska fool been havin a great time today.
at the pantry, there was FOR ONCE a VERY attractive girl. why she was there when she was so cute, i dunno. cute in an upper class WASP way. although she had wide hips methinks. but some guy was with her - but wait - no he wasn't - he was just sayin to her, in a southern hicky drawl, "how come all the girls i like are younger than me?" well, because you're attrocious. but i never paid this girl never no mind. it was too obtuse for my tired brain. i just hummed the song from my CD - "And Your Bird Can Sing"... but, whereas i was perfectly still from the start, she seemed bemusedly fuddled by my subsequent nonchalant socialising with the dregs of the earth. i'm pretty damn casual about that. some homeless black guy was talking to me, and then he gives me the black-power sign when i'm leaving. i so totally rock. and - unfortunately - she perceived this. this is the sort of thing where i'm willing to wait for the next time we meet. because i don't want nobody right now as of this moment. she was in awe though, and of course, since i showed no interest. you can see that as a bad thing. but it can also be seen as a good thing. QUALIITY.
oh dudes - i am so happy right now - i know i will make it for a while at least.
i am hoping to worm my way to getting my rich aunt to help pay for improvements to the outside property here. it will eventually work. i need to plant trees, paint a fence, paint the deck, seal a small roof, work on the back concrete wall, paint one side of the garage, etc. i am more psyched to do this shit, too. it's been two years since i've done this stuff.
but my family is always so pulled back by stupid stuff...
ok - now we get into the end of the world etc....
hard to believe the last post was almost a week ago
so der was dis cougar shot in chicago, hey. for me it all led to one thing - the pope is the anti-christ - or else i am - or else Michelle Obama is. it was a fool moon. they fired a black principle at a rockford HS. i thought the night would be full of angry teen violence. because other things have been weird. but there was a little spike in crime - which was mostly Hispanic, oddly. then about wednesday night there was an explosion of crime all night, but it included everyone. then i hear the cougar was shot in chicago - i knew there had been sightings in Wisconsin. I postulated that the wild cougars came from North Dakota, mainly on the premise that i am so smart. The sightings started in Janesville, WI, which you may know was the place where the sacred White Buffalo was born. That cougar was found to be from SOUTH Dakota - although I bet it visitted North Dakota too. Then there was a sighting near Lake Genva, WI. And a bunch - which were first assumed to be Lynxes - were sighted at Starved Rock, WI. And one was sighted north of Chicago. Then they shot one in north Chicago. After that, one sighted west of Chicago, in Skokie. The next few nights, I keep hearing big fancy-like aereoplanes flying in the nightness and other strange distant thunders. This morning, Kurska woke me up cuz there was a fricken earthquake. My scanner was alive with reports of house alarms going off, then it eventually changed to people having seizures and panic attacks. And my Chicago radio was telling me the quake was strongest NEAR THE WISCONSIN BORDER - were the cougars were! At that moment, I realised the cougars had been travelling from South Dakota TO EAT THE POPE!
Of course, the epicentre of the quake was actually nearer to Evansville, IN - WHERE MICHELLE OBAMA HAD JUST VISITTED! So, somehow she was involved in the plot. Thi may seem far-fetched, but really is it as crazy as the FBI funding an amiture gang of bullies in Florida to join Al Qaida and then put them on trial as terrorists so they could terrorise the country into voting for George Bush?! And why was the Pope in WDC with the Prime Minister of Great Britain meeting with George Bush anyway - while strange aereoplanes were making noises in the night? Because of end times prolly. And why was the first cougar spotted (like a leopard ha ha) in Janesville, WI? Because Janesville is right IN BETWEEN Rockford and Madison, which are THE TWO CITIES WHERE MY LIFE EXISTS - and apparently Janesville is where i am destined to perform my sacred works. For goodness sake, wild turkeys are attacking mailmen in Madison, calling to me. That is why when the one cougar was shot, the rest of them gave up and started heading west from Chicago - TO VISIT ME AND KURSKA! To tell me stories! To take me safely to Janesville, which shall be safe from end times!
I completely REFUTE all the scientists who say all this has something to do with global warming, when I KNOW it is a RELIGIOUS thing DIRECTLY RELATED TO ME! Anyone care for illicit sex?
ps - in mythology, the cougar gives warnings of future trouble. oh yeah hey.
7:30 pm saturday
I had to miss my doctor's appointment the other day. that's the second time in a row. i felt bad about it but realised i did the right thing when i went into a rollercoaster of illness after that. i told the scheduler i only change my appointment because i enjoy talking to her so much. that's all i have - give someone a brief smile and then disappear into days of agony. it pisses me off losing so much time. this relapse was crazy hell. i had to call my aunt to ask her what day it was. then we talked about soy flour.
then i end up "recovering" at 7:pm tonight with my best option to drink beer and make a journal entry. listening to Chicago Blues. i fancied up my radio speaker so it sounds good. power. wow - i had two dreams about dangerous fish. the first one was me with my family and then i'm at this resort and i tried to skip from dock to dock and three progressively more dangerous fih kept jumping out and trying to bite me. then i went into this university building in austin. the other dream was me collecting dogs outside in my fenced yard and gradually adding them to my collection inside. there were other people and small animals. it was fun. but then this turned into us collecting child-safe large fish in a large pond. but some of them weren't so safe. for example, one had a large, wide shark-type mouth, and seemed to get more and more big. (!) it opened it's mouth to eat me, but inside it's mouth, the top part, was Cameron Diaz. it was just her in a dangerous fish costume, for some reason. so that was OK. but then there was this big black snake-fish, and i was trying to clasp it's mouth shut, but other parts of it's body overwhelmed me anyway.
what i find interesting about dreams is that they don't just take random half-baked images from the day, and try to makes analogies and coherent stories out of them, and also apparently pull out of the air stuff other people are thinking, (TMZ was working on a piece about cameron diaz), but they also seem to deeply relate to what the body is trying to do health-wise. in this case, i was losing a battle with my inner fish.
"madman! what are we supposed to believe?!"
kurska had a peanut-butter-based dinner today, and loved it. she's had good dinners lately. one lucky thing - that crap bread i made but found too disgusting to eat, seems to turn her on. i have to compliment my dog on how terrifically patient she is with me and my being bed-bound for hours or days - all simply because she likes me. it's sweet. almost impossible to believe this frisky dog is capable of such patient behaviour. i am her only friend. she is happy with that. and it is prolly the only thing that gives me any hope for mammels these days.
cooking - too much soy flour sucks in pancakes, but has a great taste. made some pizza-burritos - store-bought burritos covered in tomato paste, cheese sauce, onions, chili powder and oregano, and cheese. now the thing about cheese right now - sometimes i buy american cheese, which i hate. i avoid any with trans fats, which most of them have. and they also have annatto to make them look yellow. but recently i bought cheese slices from Wal-Mart(!) which were not only cheap, but they tried to mimic mozerella more than american, and they didn't have annatto. they were also high on cheese ingredients rather than artificial/oils. i advise you to try them if you use american cheese slices. while they don't really immitate mozerella, they are a big improvement, and don't have that disgusting artificial cheese-wiz taste, yet they are still kind-of american. better than. and they go better with a variety of foods. for instance, i cut and toasted two slices of italian bread, added two pieces of said "cheese", and added some chum salmon and spices, and it was one of the best sandwiches i have ever made. also, i've made other new things, but i forgot what they were. he he. oh - i made some rockin greek oysters! oh yeah - more stuffing too!
did you know the bible says you will die if you eat lobster or other shellfish?
i've been thinking about college. when i went back to the UW a few years ago, I investigated everything - requirements, etc. - i only need a few more credits to complete my degree and my triple major. but that was a labour in itself, and i came away from it realising that i COULDN'T go back to school. for one thing, there was my illness - and working out commutes, moving, class accomodations. i realised that i would have depised taking transfer classes at Rock Valley or Rockford College. for another thing, here i am trying to get out of paying student loans because i am disabled - there would be no way i could get student loans again. i'd prolly lose my social security. and i had bigger things to deal with here. so i started believing i would never go back. what sense does more debt make?
but yesterday, while musing over places to move to, i suddenly realised i could get a scholarship somewhere based on my disability. and that would also have to be in a place where i could move to and be able to use social services like medicaid and section 8 housing - but permanently, and with a garden, and a place for kurska. so i thoughmight write letters explaining my dashed history, and maybe try for this. places like berkeley, portland, chico, olympia, etc. i really really just need to be in a place where i don't have to squabble with crazy ignorant conservatives - OR with crazy liberals, btw. I need a safe place to slough off my worries and begin my writing career. That's why i thought maybe i should move to the polygamy complex in texas, if nobody's using it anymore. even if they were using it, at least that would increase my chances of having at least ONE wife. or maybe a steel shack near Missoula like the unibomber. that area is so amazing and yet fucking cold. the best place would be a cave under a waterfall where i can make lots of chum salmon sandwiches but also be not too far away from a hippie bookstore and maybe a Taco Bell and a Kinko's Copy Shop and a legal prostitution ranch and a nut shop and a disco and a microbrewery and an indian reservation which has healing herbs and gambling and a major metropolitan area where i can sip coffee famously and high speed internet and a bunch of asians so i can make money and a few blacks so i can feel at home but no rednecks even though an oil refinery would be could nearby considering all the wealth that will bring in and lots of illegal mexican for my marijuana plantation which will include lammas and ostriches of course and TRUE free-range chickens, which i will breed with emu. BUT NO BEARS. NO BEARS AND NO COUGARS AND NO BIGFOOT TO EAT MY DOG! Plus it must be close to mexico in case i need to commit a crime and run away although being close to Canada would also be necessary because it will be the major superpower in 12 years except it will be too cold, but maybe not because of global warming, and maybe mexico will suck. I would also like a lot of Egyptian slaves.
That isn't a lot to ask.
But seriously - the best states to move to are the ones which will be raping natural resources for China - Colorado, Nebraska - and now, North Dakota, which will become one of the richest states in the nation, with them new massive oil field. But they are too cold! Eastern states are fast losing their edge because all scientific innovation is going to cheaper labs in India and China.
We are in serious trouble as a superpower. Although, if we keep believing we are the chosen people, there is a slight chance that we can ameliorate all problems by blowing up the planet. You heard it here first.
Although - i heard some guy suggest that EVERYONE stop paying off all their credit cards. This would be what is called a statement. And since EVERYBODY'S credit rating will go down, it won't really matter. Plus it will continue to destroy the economy, and is kind of like cheating, unless you want to include full-scale revolution, in which case it might mean something.
Now, as someone who was Thomas Jefferson in a former life, let me tell you that a revolution every 50 years is preferable to Orwellian Control and Doctor-Suesse-like fashion. We are unique because our last revolution was about 300 years ago - because we were rich, and because we thought we had a democracy. Seriously, the crap that goes on now is NOTHING the founding fathers would have tolerated. So we must either eat the bear or move to Tahiti and start a new world. How sad - new world - new world - global warming - it is sad sad sad...Did you know that if you took all the people in the world and stood them together in one place, side-by-side, they would all fit into the island of Jamaica? And yet our mouth is verrrrry beeeeg. Did you know what started the REVOLUTION? It was because the american colonies had this cool scene where there were all types of tea-houses, up and down the coast, owned by individual shop owners, where everyone would meet and chat about pot-modernism and Juno. But the British East India Company, which was deeply connected to British government investment, wanted to squeeze this shit out and create it's own monopoly - like Starbucks. That pissed off the colony peons and so they had the Boston Tea Party. Which lead to everything else. Including coffee. If you look at that, and compare it to the crap that has been shoved down our throats for the past century, it looks like small fry. And because our governement has sold out, it is coming from China and Mexico and everywhere else. It is pathetic. Pathetic and enraging. But how do we revolt? Where do we go now? The very health of our planet is almost destroyed.
Something even bigger than Barack Obama needs to happen.
Something bigger WILL happen in the next 50 years. Mass starvations. The end of water in the west. I'm telling you - this is the ultimate serious shit.
And now - to personalise my message - do you know what's it's like to be me? Do you know what it's like to have a life that wanted to help change the world, and now all i get to do is watch this crap go down? it's driving me MAD!
And isn't it weird how i go from funny to tragic like a fucking retard - OR GENIUS?! same difference
omg what an exciting time to be alive! urgh
where are the salmon going? where are the bees going? where are the bats going? where are we going? dodo ugly.
we obey the laws of the filthy rich, who lie through their teeth, who have no ethics but for their loyal friends, who prostitute the human capital of all of mankind. who prey on the fear of rednecks. and wanna-be saints. and lie through their teeth, as it was written. and we blame the blacks or the whites. but really - it's the mexicans. but really it's the moslems. but really it's the chinese. but really it's the aliens. but really it's the devil. no - really it's the mindless rich and all their subservients. it's a simple story that has played the same all through history. the more you can lie, the more you can make.
lies don't square with the truths of human suffering. they don't square with the reality of global warming. they don't square with the few people who have survived to teach us wisdom, including jesus christ. stupid internet. they called it democratic. it is full of hackers and homeland security. it's too little and too late for global warming.
and my heart goes out to all the good souls who are trying to solve our problems. the whole heavy weight of humanity. i cry out. i can hardly help. and if i could. it would be just the same.
the world isn't the same anymore. so what if i got a scholarship? so what if i wrote books. i think it's too late. and so should i die like a toy of pompeii.
that's one reason why the most i could hope for is one important love in my life.
I started up a lot of stuff about politics, but i'll leave that for later. I think the radio stuff would fit better here...
(ps - i realised that i completely don't care about politics right now. what i care about is doing something more before i sleep. i tried to find a phone number but i threw it out. i will never again call ashley either. i tried to fix my laptop. i considered wandering about in the night and confusing drunken people. this is driving me crazy. i start recovering - which means kind of a boost above normal people - plus i've had some beers - and it is driving me crazy. i need to do something more but i can't figure out what!!!) channel 23 is so fucked up and they never stop. their audio levels are completely insane!
from april 2?...
CHICAGO AREA RADIO: - one nice accomplishent while in bed - i set my radio to new stations to relieve my boredom. (Note - radio stationed marked in BOLD can be heard at night across much of the country). i found the liberal network AIR AMERICA in WCPT 820 AM in Chicago, which mostly has traditional format political talk shows but in the liberal vein. apparently this network is also in Tucson, Madison, SF, NY, and over a hundred other cities - Al Franken helped start the network. (I don't even know if the "networks" Pacifica Radio or Democracy /Radio Now are still around. And I can't find Radio For Peace on shortwave anymore. I have no decent antenna set-up down here, downstairs). CNN radio is also pretty nice to have around, Chicago WAIT 850 AM. My two main radio news sources have been PBS Rockford WNIJ 89.5 FM and Chicago WBBM 789 AM, but Madison WERN 88.7 FM is far less dorky on their local stuff. I am not able to receive the wondrous community station, WORT from Madison down here. And i really can't find any good music anywhere. Although WNIJ FM has a lot of diversity, similar to WBEZ in Chicago. "Echoes" or whatever it's called, featured Holgar Czukay the other night, and i wanted to tell you all about it, because he did one of my fav songs, "Persion Love Song," which is early world music and pre-Weezer. (Did anyone hear it?) Plus i am a major fan of Arabic rock, especially out of Lebanon, Iran and Egypt - also that girl in Sudan. It is FUCKING HOT STUFF. (oh - one great late / all-night show is "Coast-To-Coast" (here it's on WROK 1440 AM). It used to be mostly Art Bell, but now it is more George Nigh and George Norry, with some Art Bell on the weekends. It shows up at 11:pm or 12:am Central, except on weekends, when a sports show may gobble it up. But it can also be heard at night on Chicago WLS 890 AM or Cleveland WTAM 1100 AM It is about all the most INANE things. UFO's, Bigfoot, Conspiracies, etc. And they have shows that are COMPLETE BULLSHIT. But this is a VALUABLE source of facts, hypothesis and theories that can never be accessed from other sources. Some subjetcs can draw you in and make you think for years until you finally have the wisdom to refute them. That in itself is PRECIOUS for the thinking, scientific or imaginative person. But they also draw you into questions that need to be answered, and alternate facts and views. I really recommend it. you can also hear similar weird topics from even more -right-wing and evangelical directions via local hick station 1520 and Harvest Radio 5875 SW). Chicago WGN 720 AM is mainly for slow-talking old people but it has a good organic gardening show on at Sunday Noon: a legal show on Sunday eves, and some others. (Google www.dirtdoctor.com for the gardening show's site, and www.doctordirt.com for a good site on dirt health for gardening). It also has some relatively cool guy some time later at night. The other (LATE) night I heard an awesome interview with 93 year-old Les Paul, one of the greatest guitarists of all time. WGN is one of the oldest, most famous radio stations in the nations, and i believe that the NPR AM station in Madison, WHA, is actually the oldest or possibly the second oldest. WHA has some of the best informational-talk shows you will ever find - i miss listeningt
to it. Another good NPR station is in writers-haven Iowa City, IA, on AM 910.
please note - i wanted to include links for a lot of this shit. but you can google.... i'll link later.,,, yah
btw - American Idol is rockin tonight. but WHEN are they going to have shows about golden calves and all that fun stuff?! golden calves and glorious alabaster buttocks. i think that was from Homer.