I am looking at you now because this is the most important speech of my career. And I would rather interrupt Ugly Betty than Grey's Anatomy, because Ugly Betty is a liberal show about how losers rock, and a lot of wealthy professionals like to watch Grey's Anatomy.
And yes. I promise I won't smile a lot because my advisors have told me this is what makes me look like the idiot that I am.
First of all, let me say, that nobody wants to see our soldiers dying in Iraq, however, it must be understood THAT I AM ALWAYS RIGHT.
Yes, I AM ALWAYS RIGHT. That's why I decided to go into Iraq with no excuse, and that's why I ask you now to keep us there because democracy in Iraq is so critical to our freedom, and the possibility that ONE DAY, you won't have your socks searched at airports.
Now - I realise that even though the networks will continue according to schedule after this speech, they will increase the intensity of their commercials. That is the purpose of democracy. This is a hardship all Americans must face in these times of terrorism and my big face...
Let me be clear - I ran for Presidency because I BELIEVE in popularity. This is an American ideal. And I have tried to uphold that ideal even when liberals and communists like Ugly Betty were making fun of me. But I did it for YOU - THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. So now my new strategy is to reduce troops in Iraq that shouldn't have been increased in the first place.
Believe me, I am only doing this to be popular, just like after 9/11, when I got us into this completely irrational war. (However, the greatest popularity lies in HISTORY, so we are secretly planning a major offensive in Iraq before the troop reduction even begins, in whatever a frickin year from now - who will remember ha ha ha - woops - I smiled!)
You see, by pretending to listen to my generals, instead of admitting I am wrong, I remain ALWAYS RIGHT. (Then comes the holy war of RIGHT VERSUS WRONG - ooh!) And I promise you, if you BELIEVE in me, YOU can be right too! Just look at my face. Feel my quivering weakness. ADORE my presidential presidentness! THIS and only this will pull America through.
OK - yes - we will be in Iraq forever - and face it - that means expanding our military-industrial complex, even though that blasphemer Eisenhower warned against it, but how can we NOT?! - I mean if we're going to go into Iran now, how can we not be in Iraq? Get real losers! And to those who say we should leave British Imperialism to the British, I say: American was founded on principles of British Imperialism bitch!
And now I must leave you in your commonfolk dumbfoundedness cuz I never miss an episode of Grey's Anatomy...