where hypotheses come to die (madman101) wrote,
where hypotheses come to die
madman101

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On the Joys of Being A Fuck-Up

Well - BMG MX has finally sent me a catalogue I can sink my teeth into.

It's cold in here. It gets dark too soon. I want to go home.

I'm getting a jacket........

I have made many mistakes in my life. I regret them. But these days, It's the little mistakes I most regret. When I am in a relapse, or on either end of a relapse, it is difficult to carry on a conversation with anyone without making some kind of mental blunder. And the problem is that people don't have a clue how difficult it is - or that there's anything wrong, other than "this guy is kinda weird".

Nevertheless, I have also found that mistakes - if they don't hurt someone - oy - can be possibly the most useful tool in being able to meet someone new, and etc.

Parly because of my illness, partly because of learning humili(ation) and compassion, I have developed a low key, playful, and constantly ambiguous personality. I try to let my compassion show through - and WORK - whenever I can. Still, it is common for people not to know when I am serious or when I am joking. I think this is fun and useful - a real Zen wisdom - but it also covers my tracks a lot when I DO make the mistakes I am constantly making!

Well - I already mentioned I forgot my CD before I went to the ERC. This provided me with playful conversation. I also didn't have my library card. So there was this issue about renewing the CD by my name only. We got around that, and when I was finally checked out I said, "Thank you, Mr. Andersen" Smile smile. But god knows - maybe his name was Mr. Petersen!!!! Was I being a fool - or cleverly playing one of my zenish jokes again - which I am renowned for at the ERC? Ha! Sometimes - I don't even know!

On another occasion, I walked into the ERC, where Carla often serves coffee (Meg's). Only I was there at an unusual time. I saw the woman at the counter, and she gave me a big "Hi!" - and I thought it was Carla - but it was a whole nuther woman!!!!! Very difficult trying to save THAT situation, but it was funny, as well as being extremely embarassing. "Well!' I said, "YOU look different!" She finally said that often people mistake them for sisters. But coolness was not my element THAT day.

And so many other mistakes. The gossip about me being weird vs. me being cool never ends. I thin it is hilarious. And I play with it. It's all a joke on myself - and I am just so glad to be alive, I hope everyone can get it.

I made another mistake today, on LJ. I respoded to a comment, thing the person was someone different. This caused problems. (Part of the blame goes to my computer monitor - because it is impossible to read the names of the people who post!)... But all one can do is laugh, because I can't change what I am at the moment. I try VERY hard not to inconvenience anyone with my mistakes. But it does happen. So, that is one of the reasons why I do try to search out people in Rockford who are somehat understanding - not of me, but of the human condition.

That's one reason I like Angie. She has compassion, and she even said today that she is "mercyful". Quite a contrast to xxxx - although I'm sure xxxx is fine to her own friends and relatives.

Carla has talked to me extensively about a friend who is suffering from dementia. His mood swings, his paranoia, his mistakes are all so severe they are a danger to others. And yet, I know some of what that's like - to be trapped in a screwed-up brain. For during the worst days of my illness, I was the same. And all the while, people's reactions were fear and alienation. God have mercy on us all.

To err is human.
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