OK. Look. There are a lot of medical terms we lay people never use. We don't go around saying we're going to kick Brendan in the tibia, for example. We say we're going to kick him in the shin. So, it's acceptible not to have to use these silly Latin words for everyday things we should already have other, real-like, HUMAN words for. Why the hell do we have to use these weird-ass, alien sounding words the Romans invented anyway? They only came up with them late in the game, after all other words were invented, so they obviously were going to sound bizarre - almost deviously sadistic. And now the Romans are all dead, and we're supposed to continue on like zombies uttering their first century BC cockamamy jive-talk? They're DEAD! If we talk like them, then WE will die!
I don't have a penis. I refuse to believe that I have a penis. It's a dumb sounding word that makes me sound like I have some kind of urinary tract infection. It sounds like I was born with something the size of a stubby little #2 pencil - "Ah! Look! Look at wee-wee's funny little ITSY BITSY penis!" And then, when I grew up, my pencil never got any bigger - it just stayed a pencil. So if someone mentions my pencil in a crowded room, I get embarassed, and think I have wetted myself, or else I am being asked for my autograph. I don't know, I'd much rather have my penis be called a "clock-stopper" or a "whooping crane" or something more powerful. If penises could be traded for cash, it seems like I'd just get a few pennies for mine - when I think mine is worth, possibly, Eurasia. "Pee-nis!" "Peeeeeee-nis!" Good god, even "stamen" would have been better. No wonder all girls in the English speaking world have grown up laughing at male hard-ons. "Oh - lookie - Mr. Penis-Weavel wants to knit a sweater!" "Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-NIS!" It's like it has nothing to with sexuality or erections, it's all about painful urination, like it's even too small for that. And how can anyone imagine a PENIS having an ERECTION? It's a complete oxymoron. You'd NEVER see a penis at a construction site - it would be either growing hidden away in some old lady's garden or getting it's forehead rearranged in some tech lab.
And it simply sounds nasty and dirty - not in the same way "panties" does, (now THERE's a word that WORKS - for WOMEN) - but in a way like you've got snot on your pinky. All green and shit. And spell it backwards, what do you get? "Sin!" Sin eeep! Or, you also get, "S*NIP!" - as in, "Snip snip snip, we're still in the never-ending, embarassing process of removing your foreskin!" It is not a noble word. You never heard any famous Roman say, "Friends, Romans, Countrymen... Lend me you penises!" No! Because even back then they thought it sounded funny. It's all a scheme by civilisation to keep men permanently ashamed and IN LINE. Even if they consequently suffer from terminal impotance because of it. Now there's a word - POTANCY! Why couldn't it be called a "potentizer" or a "pot-head" or even Mr. Potato Head would be OK. Or, "Brendan's Pot of Gold" would be nice.
As it is, the whole idea of inserting a penis into a vagina seems completely metapysically and structurally impossible. They are words that seem to have been born in completely different universes. Vagina? Is that like a poisonous butterfly or something? So, the penis is like the pin you stick in it's back so you can stick it on your butterfly collection board? I'm sorry, I just don't understand any of this.
I do not have a penis.
I have what I shall now be referring to as a "Stately Oak Tree".
With orchids and mistletoe and magical mushrooms and lots and lots of great big gigantic tent-like condoms!