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* - galaxy

I HAVE NO PENIS

Posted on 2005.12.04 at 12:44
Tags:

OK. Look. There are a lot of medical terms we lay people never use. We don't go around saying we're going to kick Brendan in the tibia, for example. We say we're going to kick him in the shin. So, it's acceptible not to have to use these silly Latin words for everyday things we should already have other, real-like, HUMAN words for. Why the hell do we have to use these weird-ass, alien sounding words the Romans invented anyway? They only came up with them late in the game, after all other words were invented, so they obviously were going to sound bizarre - almost deviously sadistic. And now the Romans are all dead, and we're supposed to continue on like zombies uttering their first century BC cockamamy jive-talk? They're DEAD! If we talk like them, then WE will die!

I don't have a penis. I refuse to believe that I have a penis. It's a dumb sounding word that makes me sound like I have some kind of urinary tract infection. It sounds like I was born with something the size of a stubby little #2 pencil - "Ah! Look! Look at wee-wee's funny little ITSY BITSY penis!" And then, when I grew up, my pencil never got any bigger - it just stayed a pencil. So if someone mentions my pencil in a crowded room, I get embarassed, and think I have wetted myself, or else I am being asked for my autograph. I don't know, I'd much rather have my penis be called a "clock-stopper" or a "whooping crane" or something more powerful. If penises could be traded for cash, it seems like I'd just get a few pennies for mine - when I think mine is worth, possibly, Eurasia. "Pee-nis!" "Peeeeeee-nis!" Good god, even "stamen" would have been better. No wonder all girls in the English speaking world have grown up laughing at male hard-ons. "Oh - lookie - Mr. Penis-Weavel wants to knit a sweater!" "Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-NIS!" It's like it has nothing to with sexuality or erections, it's all about painful urination, like it's even too small for that. And how can anyone imagine a PENIS having an ERECTION? It's a complete oxymoron. You'd NEVER see a penis at a construction site - it would be either growing hidden away in some old lady's garden or getting it's forehead rearranged in some tech lab.

And it simply sounds nasty and dirty - not in the same way "panties" does, (now THERE's a word that WORKS - for WOMEN) - but in a way like you've got snot on your pinky. All green and shit. And spell it backwards, what do you get? "Sin!" Sin eeep! Or, you also get, "S*NIP!" - as in, "Snip snip snip, we're still in the never-ending, embarassing process of removing your foreskin!" It is not a noble word. You never heard any famous Roman say, "Friends, Romans, Countrymen... Lend me you penises!" No! Because even back then they thought it sounded funny. It's all a scheme by civilisation to keep men permanently ashamed and IN LINE. Even if they consequently suffer from terminal impotance because of it. Now there's a word - POTANCY! Why couldn't it be called a "potentizer" or a "pot-head" or even Mr. Potato Head would be OK. Or, "Brendan's Pot of Gold" would be nice.

As it is, the whole idea of inserting a penis into a vagina seems completely metapysically and structurally impossible. They are words that seem to have been born in completely different universes. Vagina? Is that like a poisonous butterfly or something? So, the penis is like the pin you stick in it's back so you can stick it on your butterfly collection board? I'm sorry, I just don't understand any of this.

I do not have a penis.

I have what I shall now be referring to as a "Stately Oak Tree".

With orchids and mistletoe and magical mushrooms and lots and lots of great big gigantic tent-like condoms!

Comments:


Ñö yóu dont know mé·¬ `
bluerose82 at 2005-12-04 20:57 (UTC) (Lien)
what the! lol!
where hypotheses come to die
madman101 at 2005-12-05 19:06 (UTC) (Lien)
SORRY! ERGOT WAS TO BLAME!
.
varsity at 2005-12-04 21:03 (UTC) (Lien)
lmao; you never cease to amaze me.
where hypotheses come to die
madman101 at 2005-12-05 19:07 (UTC) (Lien)
GIVE ME YOUR ICON!
ashley aka mouse
x_wishuponme_x at 2005-12-04 22:12 (UTC) (Lien)
haha. if that's how you feel.
where hypotheses come to die
madman101 at 2005-12-05 19:07 (UTC) (Lien)
IT REALLY IS. VOTE FOR ME!
ashley aka mouse
x_wishuponme_x at 2005-12-08 00:12 (UTC) (Lien)
for what? where?
where hypotheses come to die
madman101 at 2005-12-09 11:55 (UTC) (Lien)
Ruler of something or other. YeS!
ashley aka mouse
x_wishuponme_x at 2005-12-09 15:17 (UTC) (Lien)
lol okay i shall
nire
erinsrevenge at 2005-12-04 22:25 (UTC) (Lien)

Omg..you're right.

I actually have no idea how to respond to this.

S*NIP is my new favourite word though.
where hypotheses come to die
madman101 at 2005-12-05 19:09 (UTC) (Lien)

Re: Omg..you're right.

I WOULDN'T EITHER IF I WERE YOU! S************NIP!
Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn
a_common_blow at 2005-12-04 23:17 (UTC) (Lien)
Can I sit under your Stately Oak Tree & play with the leaves & mushrooms?
where hypotheses come to die
madman101 at 2005-12-05 19:10 (UTC) (Lien)
LEAVE ME THE GRUB-WORMS!
Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn
a_common_blow at 2005-12-08 02:53 (UTC) (Lien)
HOW 'BOUT NO!
where hypotheses come to die
madman101 at 2005-12-08 05:05 (UTC) (Lien)
You are extremely suspicous in my books, mister.
Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn
a_common_blow at 2005-12-08 05:27 (UTC) (Lien)
Ha, please, I think I mentioned you on there though.

I;m not sure




















or am i?












maybe i tell the truth











hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
where hypotheses come to die
madman101 at 2005-12-09 11:56 (UTC) (Lien)
oooooooo....

ok
Sketchy
touching_heaven at 2005-12-04 23:22 (UTC) (Lien)
I laughed at this... so hard. You've no idea.

I also believe, that the fact that civilized (or uncivilized, whichever you like) society calls it a 'penis' ('sin ep' really, that just cracked me up) is the reason most of us give it a nickname.

Stately Oak Tree, indeed.
where hypotheses come to die
madman101 at 2005-12-05 00:16 (UTC) (Lien)
Hey, dude. Glad to entertain you. I have to do one of these mad posts every once in a while just to keep my readership happy, and live up to my reputation. In fact, I am immensely boring.

I like your icon. Someone recently sent me, "You are my sunshine." Does that we count?

Your name is Sean. Nice. Does that mean you're of the Irsh persuasion? Just wondering.


Sketchy
touching_heaven at 2005-12-05 02:04 (UTC) (Lien)
Haha, well I think mosts like these make up for the monotony of every day life.

Thanks :) It's a quote from Shallow Grave. "You are my sunshine"? Hm, I think that counts. It's pretty close.

I think I'm like, 1/16th Irish. I'm mostly Scottish/English. Tad bit of French, as well.
where hypotheses come to die
madman101 at 2005-12-05 19:12 (UTC) (Lien)
WONDERFUL. YOU ARE A PERFECT SPECIMEN. PLEASE FOLLOW ME.

SPACEMAN?
Catherine
emerald_snow at 2005-12-05 01:00 (UTC) (Lien)
I call it a dick...sometimes a penis. The word penis makes me laugh. If I was sleeping with some guy and he said penis, I'd probably laugh and lose all sexual desire.

Did I ever tell you that I love you? XDD
where hypotheses come to die
madman101 at 2005-12-05 19:13 (UTC) (Lien)
I LAUGH MYSELF TO SLEEP AT NIGHT.
Catherine
emerald_snow at 2005-12-06 00:19 (UTC) (Lien)
Because you have a...a...Penis?
where hypotheses come to die
madman101 at 2005-12-08 05:03 (UTC) (Lien)
I do NOT!

Because I'm so fun.

So - there ya go.
_lor_rie_ at 2005-12-05 13:18 (UTC) (Lien)
lol- ahhh....im glad i read this before i went to work. :D
where hypotheses come to die
madman101 at 2005-12-05 19:05 (UTC) (Lien)
OMG! WHERE DO YOU WORK?! OMG!
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