where hypotheses come to die (madman101) wrote,
where hypotheses come to die
madman101

The Reality of Sisyphus

I guess I'll start the official day by making a wee postie.

The package from F&F arrived yesterday.  It's nice dealing w/ F&F because not everyone is ordering from them, thus my package only took about three days.  There are two problems - three.  $hipping.  And sometimes the seeds or nuts are stale. n And the third problem, for me, is the creepy big woman at the counter who scowls at me if I try to return something.  Like I'm some kind of lowlife.  Anyway, I shooed my dog away form the package, as he had been told to anticipate cookies from the mailman, but I didn't want his wet nose picking up any virus.  Took it upstairs today, and opened it.  My dog was wondering why we weren't doing the ceremonial-together grand opening thing, poor boy.  I retrieved a pound-bag of cashews, an antibiotic spray for my dog's ear, and a bag of rawhide twists that were about three times larger than I had expected.  Washed them all off before opening.  My dog got fed up with trying to eat his large 'cookie-bone'.  But he'll get new cookies when the Chewy package arrives.  I have eaten almost the whole pound of cashews, if you can believe it.  With my coffee/(mocha).  Soooo good.  I actually shouldn't eat cashews but it is such an easy process, I generally don't ask questions when they are going down.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is like an aneurysm.  Whenever you try to do a regular activity, like blood normally flowing through a vein, your efforts instead go in a direction which gives you the opposite results - like blood instead pushing into a ballooning aneurysm, and getting so big it squeezes out your brain.  You hit a concrete wall, and are exhausted.  And every time you push yourself, because everything is a push, you only add to the cumulative balloon which makes future efforts more impossible.  UNTIL you manage to rest and sleep and recover enough that some efforts are not so bad, and do not add so much to the cumulative balloon.  But, son enough, this peters out and everything becomes impossible again, until you believe your whole being is going to have a stroke.  And you lie in bed in pain waiting and waiting, as years of your life go down the tube.

Well, I actually have something similar going on in my brain.  The more I focus or pay attention, especially in the morning or during more heavy CFS, the more my brain pushes against me, creating brain fatigue and reducing thought and empathy.  Like that growing balloon.  However, the difference is that so-called balloon is actually, partly, a major dehydration of my brain.  What is happening?  Immune chemicals enter the brain, causing big-time problems to thought and other functioning like temperature-control, etc., and this causes lymphatic and cerebra-spinal fluid to be flushed out - as if there was a real infection being fought there, and so the waste/pathogen needed to be removed.  At the same time, there is low-grade inflammation of the brain, and so my brain is expanding a bit, while the ventricles, etc., are trying to shrink.  Anyway, the result are various kinds of headaches and migraines, as well as deep fatigue, etc.  There is a direct vascular and BP connection between the brain issues and the heart.  So, I have had a continuing central/frontal headache for perhaps a week now, and this has been giving me some serious heart problems, seemingly permanent, but possibly not.  Eventually, I will die of congestive heart failure, which is the main cause of death of people w/ CFS - that and suicide.

So, I am trying to tell you that the headache-balloon in my head has put me out of LJ commenting and deep-writing modes lately.  The problem intensified/continued after 10 sit-ups two or three days ago.  However, It seems that I am finally coming out of that, and will be able to comment today.  Maybe write.  And read better!  I just need to rest more and continue the brain rehydration, which is a little more difficult after the morning's decaf.  Until then, keep calm and don't panic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS - I recently received the Spring issue of the local hospital's glossy little 'news-magazine'.  There was not one mention of COVID-19.  Which shows you how progressive this place is.  However, there was a little feature article about my CFS doctor, who won a national award, and is active here and in Europe regarding infectious diseases.  He cares about people w/ CFS, but, truth be told, has never really helped me.  One visit I spent sitting and talking to him about his dog for an hour or two, while struggle to concentrate and stay awake.  You always hurt the ones you love...  He asked me to write a book with him and inside, I was like, "There is a crazy bald man downstairs who is constantly KILLING ME!....Nooooooooooo!"
Tags: my brain / cfs - my brain, my cfs - (& see health - cfs...), my dogs - (& see animals - d...)
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