So, the last two days have been very bad. Required to sleep most of the days, then up w/ insomnia, but all caused by deeper CFS, of course. Today, the front/center of my brain was really debilitated.
But, I managed to make a $100 order to Chewy's, for a little dog food, and a lot of dog treats. The dog treats are all non-sugar, non-wheat, etc. I am stocking up, so I won't have to buy at store. I also expect to order nuts online, as well as supplements - all so I can spend winter inside. I am going to suggest to my LL that her guys shovel the snow for me, for the next few months - which will cost me more money. I need to do this because shovelling sets me back in health - throws the whole year off. So, I need to use the winter to actually get things done, and not sink into more CFS. Of course, I cannot avoid CFS, but I can avoid triggering it more often, etc. Note that I will also not be post as much here.
I was set back by the health crash LAST autumn. And so I need to try to nurse these new issues, and return to "normal." I have a lot of other stuff I need to do, as well. Tired of my life being eaten away, year after year.
And that includes from people. People come out of nowhere, here, angry at me, and sometimes accost me. It worsens at certain times of the year. They pass judgment on who I am, as if their judgement means they now own me, and the right to harm me. Because I am a white male. Or because I do things unconventionally. Or because I am supposed to be disabled, but have been seen hiking about. Or, because I am single. Or don't go to church. Or don't party. Or this or that. People just assume they have the whole story on everything, like they are omnipotent experts, and proceed to be assholes. That is no more true than in this city.
In general, if you approve of some things Trump has done, people conclude you are a white nationalist, ergo a racist, which makes no sense. Or, if you are concerned about global warming, Republicans conclude you are a radical tree-hugger. And so forth. I am just tired of not being able to move an inch - which is painful enough - without people coming in and blaming me for any damned thing. It's just endless. Six years and people here STILL blame me for my dog as if he has attacked people when he has been a complete angel all this time.
One thing you learn when you become morally and emotionally self-actualised is that you then become an observer of an endless stream of idiocy in other people. If you want to end up a dead martyr, then you can go on forgiving them. If not, the only choice is to throw their assholery back at them, and hope to get out before the violence. Because, I will tell you, many, many people know nothing better than to fixate on messing with others. If you show compassion, tolerance, communication, forgiveness, etc., they see that as a weakness, or at least as a political opportunity to throw you down, so they gain points with their peers.
I see people like this, without end, over the horizon, all over the world, and they look like sad, soon-to-be-extinguished, primates. In their special, special groups. Betraying all the same base primate nonsense, over and over again. You try to tolerate the group you must be in, and they do not see what you really are. They only see what they have always painted you to be. Their emotional dysfunction only seeks to trap you, swallow you into it. And the majority, the mob, always wins, always sets the rules, always decides what is real. What lie is real to them. Groups. I cannot stand them anymore,. Parties. Families. Races. Gangs. Townies. Corporations. I hate them all. What good is growing when the whole world, in its disintegrity, conspires against it, by default, by habit, by pathology?
"But YOU'RE the crazy one!"
"Hang them all!!!!"