May the peace of the time be with you and fall upon you like ice and babies.
May the tiny gay men fill your nostrils with Pinesol.
May they bring you running shoes if you cannot walk.
If you are blind, may they bring you DVDs.
If you are frozen to the steps, may you be blessed with photographers.
May the mice arrive in June.
May you not see one cockroach until September.
May you sell off your children to the lowest bidders.
May the police surround your house and play Van Halen.
Goodbye to all your debts for they are now militant terrorists.
Greetings from China, the one who loves you.
We can beat this thing.
May your dog wear a hat to the prom.
When you and your loved one are alone in sin let it all be known.
The internet is watching over you.
Let spice pies fly into your eyes and out the hole in your floorboard.
Let us remember this day in awe of fruit.
May the zombies in your neighbourhood completely forget your name.
May the grime on your dishes miraculously turn into Dawn.
May the asshole downstairs bang so hard that your apartment collapses on him and kills him dead, for he is Antichrist.
May all the birds of the field and cows of the air delight in this day before they are eaten.
Should you ever need a friend, call for his assassination.
The stars are raining toys on you so shut up and take the heat.
For every gift you give, may others receive so much more from you.
Look before you cross yourself and leap before it's too late.
You can cut your wrists later - after the preening of the prissies.
May you lumber long in Winter's wealth and wallow well in wondrous want and woe.
Bring in the poor and unholy for they are better off than you are by now.
On this day, a child was born, and he immediately tried to find a way to get the hell out of here.
A pox on all your Holly.
Drink long and wisely for you never know whom shall be driving the hearse.
Plant a little fruitcake in the morning and watch as the Deep State arrives in UFOs.
That could have been you up there on that telephone pole.
Bring cheer to others for soon they will oppress you.
All the animals are gathered in your barn and they have a subpoena.
Down from the helicopter came our great lord and President, bearing expensive hems and haws.
This is the day to remember that everyone is like you and wants your clothes and money.
May gossip surround you and smother you with its deadly good intentions.
Gather at this holiday table, cut the cheese, talk turkey, and postulate intercourse.
Ring the bells, shout great joy into the night, and die from a shoe injury.
May the floating monkeys tapping on your window have faces other than those of your relatives.
May you be freed from the blame of Democrats and Republicans, for the crimes they themselves commit.
For once may you start a relationship that is not ruined by the fake love of nosy older siblings.
When you walk outside for some sun, may your clothes not be ripped away by a swarm of locusts who work for the Salvation Army.
When you say, "No", to Christian Scientists, let it be so. May they convert to Jehovah's Witness when you deflect them with your shield.
May you walk down the street without being accused of voting for Trump on year, and then attacked by the same crowd for your HIPPIE ponytail.
May you never be drunk-dialed by alcoholic relatives crying; calling you a liar; or telling you to be proud because they are drunk at a bar - because you remind them of dad.
May you never be then accused by those relatives of being drunk at a bar while they feel morally justified in destroying your life - because you remind them of dad.
When you are lying in the bushes, cold, sick and homeless, may your sister actually come to your aid.
May you not be pursued by infatuated control-freaks who feel you now need to be critcised and regarded as if you are some kind of problem.
Let anyone who disagrees with this ceremony please step to the extreme middle.
There shall be dancing and gaiety until the drugs wear off.
We stand naked with prostitutes, sinking into the snow, soon to be forgotten.
For I have heard the call of the wild and it has nothing to do with any of this.
All your sins are forgiven, so join the group, and eat, eat, eat!
Next on the agenda: Guiana.
Learn to forgive others who make more money than you.
Waste as much energy as possible before our little snow globe turns to Axe body spray.
Go noisily amongst the sane and sweet, knowing what cruelty you inflict.
You are a child of the universe. You have a right to own it.
Remember what the wise man said: Do unto others before they do unto you because they will they really will.
Invite the poor, the lame, the fair, the funny, the freaks, into your chambers and fill them with gas.
And, above all, recognise satire when you see it, which is protected by the First Amendment. When you see it.
The day will come when you would rather live in your dog's nightmares than partake in lies.
Theft that apes as generosity.
To all those of you who celebrate the goodness of this day as the goodness of every day, push on, my friends, push on.
Only kindness matters.