I go into CFS crashes/relapses, which skew my ability to think and empathize. In society, in general, even amongst relatives and friends, there remains vastly ignorant appreciation of the seriousness of CFS. Most often, even if subconsciously, people minimise its reality, and attribute most recognised signs as character flaws. It is convenient to competing siblings, and symbolic proxies of such in society, to take this stance, as it benefits each of them in-group. It is like an unspoken conspiracy to agree that there is no blue, since they wil never give the sky that Name. Together, they don't know what they are doing. No point in forgiving lest one wants to become chopped liver in the end.
That is why it is important to me to be direct and accepted here in my LJ. I would rather wait to comment or post, until I feel well and more myself, than to write you things which are not true to my heart. Otherwise, it feels like I am still fighting to be acknowledged as I must in the outside world, as sequestered from it as I am. To write comments which I don't really generate from my heart, after reading something I don't fully internalise, is an insult to both of us. To me, then, LJ is more like homework than sharing with friends.
A few of you may be able to discern the illness behind some of what I write, when it is indeed forced, and that is great. But, in general, it may be even more difficult, in most cases, for people to build sympathy over words only, than it is face-to-face, which, as I have said, is bad enough.
So, there are many pauses between what I write. I wait until I am myself again, usually. In the mean time, I try to get over my latest relapse by sleeping, writing, vegging out behind a movie, cooking or cleaning. This is always going to be how it is. Please don't take it personally. I want to be as true as I can be.
It's interesting that I run into so many jerky people, irl, like the-crazy-gay-guy-on-the-corner, or the latest, A-hole Guy, who are on a mission to create little neighbourhood, friends, family or work kingdoms, and they always resort to lying, and the like, to do so. They tend to be vehemently hateful towards me. And maybe one of the reasons is that, fo so many years, in my health, and in my philosophy, I have been fighting and fight, hopefully competing only with myself, to do just the opposite: To achieve THE TRUTH. Reality. Nature. Sincerity. Connexion. In my wake are a gaggle of assholes all shouting, "He doesn't care!"
Don't fall into that trap. That is the currency of THE DEVIL DEVIL! Well, at least it feels like that, when they resort to banging on the walls or stealing away my kin as if I am immortal and should never die. Or. Maybe their intention is to kill. But. Why I have to spend my life dealing with all this animal bullshit is not a fair deal in any game.
My eyes are now bugging all over and my head is a home for scorpions. I am going to watch the last of Season One of MADMEN and will be back here later. As long as it takes. Ciao.
PS - Switching yesterday's plans to Tuesday, meaning I should be able to ad a movie and wine to the itinerary. Got off to run off now to see a man about a throne...