GIANT SOCK MONKEY FOUND DEAD IN ZOO
ACME Wire Service, Aug. 3 2005: A Giant Nordic Sock Monkey was found dead Monday morning in Chicago's Lincoln Park Zoo. Zoo workers could not explain the death, or the constant repetition of a nearby parrot, Dr. Disgusto, screaming, "Martin Sheen! Martin Sheen!" Initial investigation showed the cause of death to be severe darning. A very large cobalt blue darning needle was found outside the Zoo's entry, but officials doubt there is any connection. "We use the darning needles to attract older hobbiests and pedestrian Sock Monkey lovers to the zoo's entrance," said Commadore Van Gilson, the Zoo's official Tsar, "Then we lure them into our kitchen and pour basting sauce on them."
Norm, the dead Sock Monkey, was first brought to the zoo from Rockford, Illinois, during the end of the then-Mayor-Paperboy Douglas Scott. It was Mayor Scott's intention to send the collection of three Rockford Sock Monkey's to a safe haven outside of the Rockford area, where Jane Addams, the infamous Burpee dinosaur, had escaped into the downtown Rockford area and began sexually harassing the Sock Monkeys. Rookie Archaeologist, Budd Scott, suggested this behaviour was due to a possibility that some sort of as-yet-undiscovered Sock Monkey type creature had roamed the earth during the Jurrasic period, and had been either been a major rival or carry-out cook for the Jane Addams species of dinosaur. "Such an ape-like species cannot entirely be discounted," said Scott, "Except during Dollar Days at major department stores." Indeed, Sock Monkeys were known to frequent malls in the Rockford area, and were well-loved for their flashy taste in handbags. "The theory is," said Scott, who wore an odd beany cap, "That the presence of these three Sock Monkeys in Rockford reawakened Jane Addams awesome sexual appetite, and this is what made her pay the Burpee guards and escape into the night. Jane Addams is still at bay, and has been seen sitting down by the river reading Harry Potter books.
In addition to the threat from aforementioned dinosaur, thee three Sock Monkeys also faced another problem while living in Rockford: Which was a plan by the City Council to sell them to the Field Museum in Chicago, following the catastrophic termite destruction of the famous Clock Tower "Clock Museum" there. "No, we never had any plan of purchasing the Rockford Monkeys - although the thought of a baseball team crossed our minds," said Winnifred Whipple, Curator of the Field Museum. "No. It was our plan to write off the Clock Museum collection's ruination as arsony, and use the insurance money to start a new exhibition called "The Museum Museum" - which would be a museum sort of thing filled with lots of other little tiny museums. Sock Monkeys just don't wash here. They never washed at Lincoln Park, either, and thank god they're all gone now."
Further DNA investigation into Norm, the Sock Monkey's death revealed an odd similarity between Norm's DNA and that of a human being. "Do you suppose it was just somebody dressed in a Sock Monkey costume?" "No", said Beefy, the Answer Man, "This was definitely Michael Jackson's DNA." Michael Jackson, the much ballihood superstar, has not been seen in public since his trial concerning bubble gum wrappers in the toilet. "Except the DNA has been altered to look white." Asked why Michael Jackson would have altered his appearance to look like a Sock Monkey, Beefy responded, "Look, doesn't everybody fantasize about that?!"
Regarding the role played by Jane Addams, Rockford College President, Dr. Pauli Prribbennow, said. "Jane would never sexually assault a Sock Monkey. Sock Monkeys are too strange - and Jane was a member of our faculty. We have high moral standards around here, and we don't take too kindly to invasive Godless species. And even if Jane had happilly romanced a Sock Monkey, we have no rules against sexual harrassment of men or Sock Monkeys by effeminate dinosaurs. Now if a Sock Monkey had assaulted Jane, that would be a whole new barrel of monkeys."
Jon Stewart nodded his head and dropped off to sleep.