I'll ask her if she wants help with the dishes, and she'll say,
"Get out of the kitchen, I'm trying to eat!"
I'll ask her if she wants help driving, and she'll push me out of the car.
"Get out of the car, I'm trying to escape!"
Sex with my wife is an out-of-body experience - you know what I mean? Out of HER body...
Last week I was sitting up on a bookshelf. I look down and there I am, doing the crosswords, shouting,
"What's another word for lust?"
And she screams from the bathroom, "Oh, God!"
I mean, we would't have any kids at all if it weren't for the fact you can get pregnant from test strips.
But all these kids, they don't respect me either. The other day my boy asks me for the car, so I gave him the keys. He said,
"I don't want the keys, I want to sell the car for parts."
Sometimes, that's how I feel, doc. Like I'm a car being sold off for parts. They take out my liver, they take out my heart, and soon all that's left of me are some pez candies they bury in a bobble-head, "Yes, dear, Yes, dear..."
"Can you tell me about the... the flower?"
Oh, yeah. I write a blog online called, "madman101," as I snack on tea and sunflower seeds, lying in bed on my back, half-naked...
Sometimes, one or two seeds fall into my belly button, and plants start growing out. I have to get them removed surgically or they start taking over the remote...
But one sunflower plant got so big, it rooted in my liver and they said I couldn't get it removed without killing the plant. So we started going to parties together. Pretty soon, the giant sunflower growing out of my pocket was more popular that I was, and I just kinda had to hang there while she got all the drinks and glory. We had arguments and, let me tell ya, I don't blame my wife at all for trying to get away from me. I mean, this sunflower plant is kinda like Alexa, or something. She's charming and witty when we go out, but when she's home, she just vomits out all the profanity and racism she picked up online. Which is a lot like me when I get drunk. Except, at least I pay for my drinks. And I don't like bees.
"You're not really Rodney Dangerfield, are you?"
No, doc, but I went to the same school!