Photograph: Saul Loeb/AFP/Getty Images
You keep it up
You try so hard
To keep a life from coming apart...
And never know
The shallows - and the unseen reefs
That are there from the start,
In the shape of a heart
- Jason Brown, "In The Shape Of A Heart"
I heard this song recently on NPR, and it seemed to fit the mood of what my tiny mermaid story was obliquely referring to - which was a feeling of disappointment or regret, of loss. The major inspiration for the story was the fact that in my life, I may be interested in someone for a while. I may do all I can for them. I may spend myself into a hwy underpass. But it always seems to turn out that only when I finally lose interest in them, seeing them for what they are, THAT is the time they suddenly become interested in me and sorry but that train is already out of the barn. And their subsequent behaviour only makes them look absurd. Sadly. And don't chock this all up to me being all naive and idealistic and love-smitten at the beginning. No. I think the major problem is that people don't know respect or love when they see it, and know only to toy with it AS IF it were indeed something juvenile. These people only know to get real when, instead of a kiss, they get a kick in the face. And I won't go there. I don't want to get locked in a whirly dance locked jaw-to-jaw for the rest of my life, not dealing with the rest of reality or all the other things I should be thinking or doing - now - most notably - lying in bed all day with CFS...
Anyway, the problem with the video above is that it is actually about a violent, dysfunctional relationship - which is NOT what I am talking about in my story or this silly mermaid series. Personally, again, I have learnt to move away from dysfunctional relationships to the point where I have ended up spending most my life alone and so dysfunctionally I guess.
But, back to the MOOD of the song. It is a mood of regret, yes, but also of compassion and love.
Do you want to know a little about love? A modicum? I will tell you later, seomthing like this:
Beyond the narcissism,
Love is a quantum state,
In the shape of a cat...