I am the person who will destroy China. (madman101) wrote,
I am the person who will destroy China.

Final Flight

So, brain probs continued to plague and disable me. Just think - it takes me a year or several years to build up to a point of fair stability in my illness, and all it takes is one short, sharp shock, and everything falls apart again. Back to zero. I must then start trying and trying again, for months or years to try to get back to where I was, when even that was nowhere at all. Which isn't the point of this post.

Against all the advice of my cabinets, I pushed myself out the door and went to see a movie tonight: "Blockers." I was considering, "I Feel Pretty," until I realised it sucked a lot. So, just wanting to be away from here, I was happy to see that "Blockers" was available instead. It is comparable to, "A Quiet Place," "Ladybird," "Nick and Norah's...," and, "Sex Tape," all for various dif reasons. I might 'review' it soon, along w/ the first two mentioned, and a sad awful 'California' movie, "Sideways."

Just when I was putting up my xmas decorations, the weather turned 50's and 60's here, all of the sudden. Who would of thought that this should happen - in Spring?! So, everybody is all nice and smiley when, to a true skeptic, they only reveal their monstrous hypocrisy for not being that way all other days of the year - or - in fact - being a lot worse all other days of the year. One black girl yelled out her car window that my dog was soooo cute.

Tonight, I walked about in my normal business and people would walk by with bursts of expressive opinion about me or something, all because the weather was nice. Humans are creepy. I guess I have time to tell it... How humans really hurt me inside so often...

About two years ago, whilst out with my dog doing the piss thing, I espied a frail little ball of purpleness quivering in the grass, in the sun. I saw that it was a fallen baby bird. So, after I put my dog inside, I lifted this bird to a place right next to the house, more out of most of the sun, and also under a downspout, for further protection. I coated it in water. The next day, I attempted to feed it via a - you know, forgot the name - a dripper....

Soon enough, crazy children went all ballistic when they at first enquired then went frantic over all this. I told them that this was a bird - something I SHOULD HAVE KEPT TO MYSELF. I invited them to look at it but they ran away because I was apparently a crazy white pedophile mass shooter man. BUT - sure enough, the next day, the baby bird was gone. I'll leave you to wonder about what had happened to it. Most certainly it never survived. Stupid human tricks.

So, within days of that incident, I was walking downtown. Earlier in the day than usual for me. As I was walking past the side of a local government building, I noticed what looked like some kind of art-work or statue set upon some pipes by the building. As I walked, I looked at it, and it looked strange to me. The feet were perched on the pipes, but they looked gummy plastic and artificial. I looked like some kind of bird - maybe an owl - but it had no head. All this was happening instantaneously, before I even knew what I was thinking. But is quickly realised that this was a large majestic living bird. In the middle of the city.

So, I am slowing down, silently marveling at this, and this guy comes walking up behind me, and he has to do all this COUGHING COUGHING introduction, for his approach to me. This awakens the bird, which turns its head out from its plumage and quickly looks around. The guy is approaching and shouting something. Which makes the giant bird bound off away in flight. It was a red-tailed hawk, four or five feet wingspan, slowly but gracefully flapping over me and away, as I watched, in love, as one would watch a fleeting signal from some distant galaxy appear and then disappear forever. As one would watch the meaning of one's whole life be vanished in the closing eyes of a disappearing child one might never have known.

A red-tailed hawk. Flying off, flup, flup, flup, gaining altitude, slowly like an albatross, then gracefully away over the library.


And I want to fucking shoot that moron.


Oh - He wa white btw. Don't start saying this is racist. We all be monkey people.

Switch... Think about what death is. Right now, you are eager to do all the things you can get done - or else you are mourning about all that. Think about the finality of your life. One day, you will hit a brick wall, and what is left of you will be little more than a bundle of vein strivings tied, carried here and there, and then buried. And that will be that.

All the songs you were into, there was that last time you heard that one great song, and that was the last time. And that was that.

There was the last time you saw this or that friend, and then never again.

You went for a walk once more, but no more.

Perhaps you lay down to sleep - and something intervened, and that was that.

How many times in your life will you hear a baby cry, a bird sing, a man laugh, a concerto play, a talk show host rant, a lover cry, a phone call, an echo, a final song, and then - that is that? It is over. That is all there is to it. It is done. Goodbye. No more. Never coming back. Maybe never happened.

Think about how life is so opposite to death, in all its meaning. And maybe I will be doing a post on this soon because it is currently on my mind.

I am sure that, with us or not, the rest of the planet's species are undertaking such existential ruminations....

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