"Absolutely, sir. In my professional opinion, I think this goes beyond the bounds of normal niceness and into complete and utter depravity much like whores having sex with Transformers in a nursary school romper room."
"Fair enough. And, as an Obama appointee, wouldn't you agree that you are impartial and not at all desperate to keep your job and so Russia really was spying on the DNC, and so on, meaning that Putin was actually wandering around in Fort Knox?"
"Why, yes sir, you read my mind, pardon the expression. Yes, we have an infinite amount of trolls and bots and cameras and spies and stored files. So, even though we could not stop the Florida shooter even when he basically asked us to, the USA Security apparatus can say with certainty that Putin is even worse than that Korean guy with 100% scientific accuracy, please don't fire me soon."
"And, Mr. Rogers, wouldn't you agree with me here that we are developing quite a nice little string of soundbites for endlessly-playing loops on CNN and NPR, which could very possibly help the Democrats in the upcoming midterms?"
"Oh, yes, sir, and I would say that I have not heard any better soundbite stream in at least a few years. It is really thrilling to work for with you and this estimable committee."
"Do you think it would spoil things if we brought up your record? I mean, all those demands that you step down due to incompetence?"
"No, I don't think that would serve the objectives of this inquiry, or our intention to perpetually blame Russia and Trump as a way of deflecting attention away from Hillary Clinton and China."
"Very well. Now please stand and take the Oath/Fifth...."
"OK. Are we still being recorded? Because I forgot to say, 'insidious'."
"Shhh! Wait! I think the President is coming!"
President: "I've still got a bigger button than any of you butterballs!"
At that point, dear reader, a pair of baby doves nabbed the President's hairpiece and flew off to see Noah, exposing Trump to be the bald liar that he truly is, looking not unlike a giant, menacing fetus. As was foretold.