May 20th, 2019

* - galaxy

Brain In-sane

The brain/dementia pain is still there today, but not as much - and today I actually have the ability to think and do things.  During relapses, or such, I can look at a darkening sink-ful of dishes, etc., and I SEE it, and I realize it is defined as, "a mess,' but I have zero feeling about it, as to washing it, even  if I had the energy to do so.  I have no concern or 'empathy' about the situation - it is as relevant to me as a photo from the civil war.  Old, flat, black and white, alien and insubstantial.

This is because, similar to people w/ Alzheimers, depression, or depersonalisation disorder, people w/ CFS, (and related), regularly lose their brain's 'executive function', which is associated with the frontal cortex, etc., the most recent brain area evolution in humans.  The region is concerned with planning and rewards - or choice and advance into some future.  When that area is not receiving oxygen or glucose, or is blocked by something else, then the owner of the brain can look at something and FEEL nothing for it, no relevance.  That is why I also lose compassion for people, as well - while compassion otherwise helps define who I am.

Memory, attention, and executive function in chronic fatigue syndrome.

Without a feeling for relevance, then there is no procession into planning, use, cleaning, control.  It is like someone losing interest in an addiction once the dopamine is cut, but this is where a person loses interest in normalcy, because all chemicals are cut, (relatively).  Meanwhile, the brain is inflamed, and this forces the baser, limbic areas to take control.  And that means: stress, reactivity, anger/fear, fight-or-flight.

Managing this physical anxiety while in relapse is done by people people, light, sound, responsibilities, exertion, calories, etc., from one's environment, until time and sleep eventually makes things sufficiently better.

So, now I am ready to get a few things done.  Catching up, basically.  How sad that I should rejoice in washing dishes, when what I really deserve to do is to get caught up in lost DECADES of my life.  Which is why, for me, rainy days are the best.  Because.  Everyone else is.  Slowing.  Down.

[Note: And yes, some scientists are seeing a possible prion involvement in CFS, (and related), similar to degenerative brain diseases like Mad Cow and Alzheimers].

Look at this place to live-in...  It is too expensive for me, unless it is HUD subsidized.  But I also have other concerns.  However, it is pretty great - if legit - and it very near to Shampoo-Banana!  Click pic:



Note: I am going to tell LL about the concussions this house has been giving me; to fix/paint the front steps, and how the insane man downstairs wages his attacks because, just like the Nethers did - HE SMOKES POT AND GETS PARANOID AND FREAKISH. So glad that, as I continue living in this hell of silence, people have tagetted me as being nuts instead. It reminds me of, "What Will People Say?" where the daughter was sent from Norway to Istanbul to experience her family's culture. She was basically raped, for the purpose of shaming and exploiting her for money, and the family she was staying with subsequently threw her out in disgrace, afraid of what people would think of them. Well, who ever takes the big picture look and reveals: "IT IS THE ENTIRE SOCIETY WHICH IS FUCKED UP!"?