May 9th, 2017

b hat

Pull my finger.

When I lived in Philadelphia, I was besieged by CFS.  I got bizarre itches; painful aversion to light like a vampire; fatigue of course; I had to leave my job; I became homeless, etc.  Desperate for money, I participated in medical studies.  One study pitted me against a prisoner.  We were both given something intravenously.  One got the drug, one got a placebo.  I obviously got the drug cuz I got fucked up.  Pissed me off that the prisoner thought all this was just a little holiday, lol.

The drug made me comfortably and painfully numb.  I was living in a cloud of the devil's mucous.  I remember walking through the inner city, being harassed by some kind of jackinapes, and being completely impervious to them.  They thought I was Superman or gun-man.  The secret to survival is the same one for getting killed: Stupidly have no fear.

I had no interest in sex, because the drug overrode that circuit.  But my manhood was flaccid yet engorged.  Largish even while torpid, shall we say.  I love these words I've learnt over the years.  Anyway, I apply for some OTHER medical study.  They ask me to go into a room and get into a medical gown, and the doctor will be in to see me soon...

At that time, I had no idea how to wear a medical gown, or why it even existed.  I thought the most important thing was that it kept peoples' asses from contacting surfaces.  So, obviously, I wore my gown backwards.  Of course.  The doctor came in and talked and examined me.  And I'm sitting there, with the medical gown split down the front, almost fully engorged.  Splayed out upon the table - casually yet dramatically.  I guess it seemed like, "I'm a MAN and I don't GIVE a fuck!"

But, I'm more like, "See.  I am actually progressive, just like in my head."

At the end of the examination, the doctor said thank you, and, "Thank you for letting me SEE you, smiley wink."  Well, she didn't really wink, but she smiled and looked downward.  Science!  And, for some reason, everyone in the place seemed to be all giggly and chatty after that.  Funny.  Yet I was in such a living hell that this crazy faux pas hardly even registered on my embarrassment scale.

My penis is like my big dog.  God gave me a good one.  Sadly, it never gets out.  And ya wonder.  What is it there for?
HOUSE - oh god

Freeze frame!

In high school times, I somehow got this idea into my head to travel around the country.  Somehow, this idea got some traction.  It started becoming a plan with people.  My best friend was in.  And we could use the car that his grandma gave him.  Our awesome friend, the class clown, was also in.  I wanted our funny stoner friend to come, but our friend who was annoying was trying to get in, instead. Fortunately, that guy's parents wouldn't let him go, lol.  We finally ended up with the most awesome, yet people friendly jock in the school.  Loved that guy.  And he gave us official coolness, at least additional coolness.

This was the greatest adventure of my life, in some anals.  We drove around the West for a month, all together in a little car, smelling all stinky great like teenage boys are wont to do.  We would stop at campgrounds - or wherever - to sleep.  Once, in California, we slept in some kind of schoolyard, out of the way of everything - we thought.  In the morning, we were awakened by bouncy little kids.  The school staff let us freshen up, using their tiny, low-lying sinks.  And we got pictures taken with them.  Gotta love California.

In Anaheim, at Disney, we walked around, singing, "We come from the midwest, because we're far, far away!  Far away!  Far away!..."  and some girls asked, are you, "Friends?"  (Meaning GAY, lol).  Yes!  We ARE!

In San Diego, we stayed with my friend's friends.  That night, I was in the  posh basement, playing the really cute girl's clarinet.  I was in love, for only a day.  Missed opportunities.

So, anyway, on to the theme of this post.  One of the things that we did, on this trip, was to go see a cave somewhere.  In the middle of nowhere.  As some kind of intriguing thing, they took us down into the cave and told us about how this is the darkest place in all the world!  So, they turn off the lights, to prove how DARK it is.  And wtf did I do, lol?!

I took a picture of everyone.  With a flash camera!  ha ha ha ha.  Everyone was fucking blinded by the flash.

My beloved friend, the class clown, laughed like hell after that.  I mean, seriously.  Who's gonna interrupt a tour all about dark dark dark and suddenly blind these sheep with a flash of divine light?  So fucking funny!

But, that trip did wear on me.  And, I am pretty sure that it had something to do with pre-CFS.  We never did get to see Seattle.  It made me edgy.  We were in a tent and the lights were out, but my best friend and the jock kept on talking.  So I ended up shouting at them.  And the class clown, god love him, burst out laughing.

When I got home, I slept for like 2 days.