August 5th, 2011


Writer's Block: Parlez-vous francais?

What other foreign languages do you know? Which one(s) do you want to learn?
I also know how to speak Washington Ear-Wiggling. This is a complex form of ear wiggling which conveys hidden intentions and arrangements, usually between Congresspersons and lobbyists and oil barons and prostitutes. When one understands this language, you can't look at a regular vote in the house without seeing the whole other universe of bidding and bartering and bickering going on via the wiggling ears of the roomful of old farts, which emanates outwards across the country and into the halls of the Mob, Koch Industries, BP, Bilderbergs, etc. This language has the added benefit of reducing the cost of electric air-conditioning, as everyone is cooled by the pleasant breeze created by constantly wiggling ears, like bees in a beehive. And, like bats and bees, these Congresspersons also exhibit strange maladies such as ink-poisoning from the handling of many dollar bills, or a white dust about the nose resembling cocaine. Washington Ear-Wiggling is the language for me, and I hope to one day to be so good at it to be able to add my own linguistic contributions, furthering the work of Ross Perot and Henry Waxman. I would like to perfect the language so that an entire war in Pakistan can be conducted and concluded via the expert ear wiggles of a handful of Washington Congressional Interns on a bar crawl early into a Sunday morning.

I'd also like to learn Chinese. The Chinese tend to be very bad at Washington Ear-Wiggling, and misunderstandings are bound to ensue. I just want to be ready for the invasion.