Today was another day when I went active even though it was too early to do so, after over a week of serious CFS probs. It was a bad day, to begin with. A hot bath helped a little. I finally stepped out at 3:pm and began my trek to the stores. I could already feel the weight of CFS pulling back on my limbs. Too early. That means that, today, I pushed past my safe envelope, and will be suffering repercussions. I already have been having serious heavy heart pains, since yesterday or so. So, my outing was like a continuous pushing of a giant boulder.
This aside, it was nice to be out in the sun and population, just like in the old days. I stripped down to my white tank top, my hair in a pony tail, throwing earplugs to the wind. I walked to the supermarket, which had no sunflower seeds, which I need like a vampire needs blood. But, they always have the best brand of organic extra-firm tofu, which I relish with salt as soon as I get home. Yes, I realise that it makes you gay.
Then I walked my regular route to the cheapo chain grocery store based in Batavia which shall remain nameless. Then I walked to Shopko, because they had sent me a credit card with $10 on it. At the Customer Service desk, we ultimately realised that this was a rebate. (Oh yeah!) So I bought some things, including a surge-protector for my future AC. There was a girl there who locked eyes with me. She was dark haired, but reminded me of an old girlfriend, although not as slim. She had something going on, so I left her alone.
Outside, I had to rest, and cradle mine sorry eyes. Then, I started away, and up a very steep, long embankment. I stopped in the middle and rested in yee glorious rays of golden sunlight. Then, I did the long walk back home. Struggling but gladly alive.
When I got to the last street to cross, this Cro Magnon guy with four friends eyed me and stopped me and all of the sudden they were slapping and shaking my hand cuz wuts up. Man. First, let me tell you about this guy...
He is really, really hairy, and short, and stocky, and some kind of combination of white and black. He is always everywhere, trying to recruit somebody somewhere into his circle of happeningness. He has macho short man syndrome, which I have experienced from a guy in college, and from a boss in Philly. They are needy, needy, needy - but they are always trying to act macho, macho, macho. They bother the fuck out of me. Not because they remind me of me - but because I chose to escape all that crap, and they never did.
I'm taller than this guy, as I was of the guy in college, and of the boss in Philly. My heart goes out to all the sensitive big real guys out there, always being approached by smaller guys for ego confirmation and male stupidity reinforcement. It's so odd when I get to be one of those taller males, kissed up to by pathetic lost loser supplicants. Woohoo.
Yeah, so, the first time this guy sees me, a few years ago, he starts yelling across the street to me, in some kind of convo. He thought he knew me. Cuz I looked just like an old friend. This was mildly embarrassing. Ever since then, I am somehow his friend. I try to avoid him, but the whole purpose of his life is to scrounge the streets for yackers and drinkers and shouters and ineffable losers. I am out with my dog 3x a day, so that makes me a prime target.
When I shook this guy's hand, he starts into, "Are you straight? Are you straight?" Like, I am not accosting YOU, why do you think you need to grill me now - on anything? He starts squeezing my hand very tightly. So, fuck, I just squeeze it back tighter. I'm strong - I have always been strong - even stronger than I look. But, why should I have to care? I have been through over a week of life-destroying CFS, after many years of a life being destroyed legally, monetarilly, and socially. An entirely life of getting nothing, but acute views on hypocrisy. I have, in this day, pushed my limbs to the limit, and yet slogged my way home, in the heat, and population. And this guy is tempting me to squeeze his palm harder than his squeeze, just to prove I am not gay?!
Is this, like, 1955, bc?
"Are you straight, bro? Are you straight?"
You know one thing I really, REALLY despise? It is something that is happening always and everywhere. It is something which most people, and many of you, just swoon and succumb to. I despise when people lock into a moment where someone shows respect or caring or emotion, and then they use that to try to control or blame them. Fuck that shit forever. Because, these are nothing but slimy cowards, using people to climb their social ladders to nowhere but the local cemetery. They end up being never any greater than that. They have been lampooned in most every teen high-school dramedy, and yet they are ultimately allowed to succeed in the real world.
The message is that this sort of mentality is what RULES, and makes people rich. In fact, this mentality comes from the loserest losers of loser society. And, here am I, up against it, in all my exhaustion and suspended wit.
"Are you straight?"
What does that even mean? So, I just said, a little peeved, "I am straight in every way." Which is rather true. I am straight in word, promise, appearance, not-snitching-on-you, etc. I just happened to be out and about in my white little tank top, with my hair in a pony tail, and earplugs to the wind. I am sorry. Just like the skanky women keep winning in court cases, IT IS NOT MY FAULT THAT YOU SUDDENLY GET AN ERECTION FROM ME.
You don't have the right to put me under a microscope, ready to bash me if you get the wrong answer, with the assistance of your cowardly herd friends. Is that was what you was born for? - (Morrissey).
I COULD HAVE SAID, "Why, yes! I am straight like any other girl!"
What I SHOULD have said was, my normal offensive BS stuff, like, "WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF QUESTION WAS THAT?!'
Kids - I am pretty good at that kind of stuff, really.
The problem was, that I was just way too exhausted - and ready to get into my apartment. How does that factor into those riffraff guys and their idea celebrating life? BTW - when they withered off, the hairy whitish guy was trying to tell me that they were going to such and such bar. And someone else was yelling at me, "We were trying to DO something with you!"
No, I am sorry. This is YOUR thing. What I am trying to do is to get home, feed my dog, and find some peace. I am sorry, HOW many years ago did this crap seek to entice me in college - and HOW many time has it been going on ever since?! It boggles my mind, when I look at these people, and it is like I am looking at the Ringo cave man movie which I have never seen. This guy looks like a complete throw-back. "Are you straight?!"
I look at such people, bumbling back and forth in their townie-created pinball games, and they will never, ever get out. They also vote, btw. Often, they vote for Dems, btw. I am sure the ones in Arkansas or Montana vote for GOP, so it's a mindless wash. It gets difficult, having to deal with them, at the end of an exhaustive jaunt, or when I am brainlessly plugged shut by CFS. But, when I am ready and all set up to leave this place, I know I will surly talk to these creeping gnomes, and give them a piece or two of my mind. This is my M.O. I tell the strong stuff, and get out before the violence, watching the detectives.
I neglected to add that the reason why this jerkwad gets his way on the streets is not just because he is so hairy and male looking, despite his stature. It is because he is whiter than his friends. Don't tell me I don't look at racism. Don't tell me I don't see blacks playing into it, as well. Sorry. We live in a real world.
What I found discounted at the stores: Plain mustard. Spicy brown mustard. Some awesome Jamaican sauce which only has 1 gram of sugar somehow. Other stuff. BTW - I am moving towards making a whole new batch of mustard, into which I throw things like I bought today. I have my own mustard powder. I give some away, I freeze some, and I use some. Mustard and ketchup are really fun to make. So is relish.
Did I hear a new song from No Doubt on the store intercom? Does No Doubt have a new single?!?!?!?
PS - I just realised that if I move, within the USA, I should move to a Northern state, that has few blacks. Why? Racism. Not mine. You see, in Southern states, the programmes for the poor really suck, because the whites think they are being taxed to help blacks. In Northern states, whites think that they are being taxed to help whites who are poor, and so the programmes are better. That is not to say that Northerners are not latently racist. They usually are, once lots of minorities move in, Iowa, case in point.
Note: I watched another Adam Sandler movie, "Funny People." This (extended version) was actually an OK movie, especially as a home DVD movie. The problem? Way too many references to penises. While this movie got moderate reviews from the critics, it did poorly with the public. I can guess why. It's kind of like the whole DNC blindspot. The director allowed his little girl/s to act in the movie - yet he did not allow them to ever watch it, lol. I think that tells you something. And, maybe they could have advertised it by saying that virtually all the actors were comedians, (other than the extras). That would have been a superb selling point. Lots of cameos! Leslie Mann is great - she was the best thing about, "The Other Woman." She did a funny mockery of Eric Bana's Australianness.