I came to the conclusion that the evil man downstairs is, in no way, Catholic. But, if he is, his name is probably Mister Lucifer. Even more than not having a conscience, he has an anti-conscience. I don't know what church or planet initially spawned him. But, if it's possible for psychopaths to be Catholic, then he may be. Al Capone was Catholic.
Mind you, I am sure that the black family across the way is Catholic, but in all the bad ways. I'll just let you chew on that. At noon, while I was out with the dog, the teen son came out, once again, and stood on his porch, staring. This time, he was trying to catch a cellphone signal, I guess, so, fine. But, he's come out, in the past, and just stared at me, to try to intimidate me. Today, he yelled something, which I could not hear, being across an intersection, and with earplugs in. I thought this was meant for someone else, but no one else was around. So, I looked at him. If he had something to say, he should have said it.
Instead, he waved his hand in a gesture which says, "get lost," or, "forget you." Don't you just love it when complete strangers play little games entirely in their heads, and you find out you are in there, too, for some unknown reason? The whole town is like this. It's a kind of narcissism, assuming I am the same way as them. If I am out with my dog, and must lift his long leash over my head, suddenly the people in passing cars start waving at me - like Pavlovian dogs. It sounds so Americana - but it's really stupid, and vain, yet robotic. I recognise virtually NO cars here. I cannot see into car windows half the time. I don't wave at anyone. If someone honks at me, first I look around to see if they're honking at someone else. Then I try to see who it is. If I don't know who it is, which is almost always, I don't wave.
On the other hand, people here deliberately spurn people they KNOW who wave or shout, just to spite them. Or, black men will stand in front of white people's houses, chatting, but in their loudest yelling voices possible. Every spring, I have to put an end to this rising yelling everywhere, by going all-out-crazy in a yelling fit, myself. Then I am regarded as the worst thing on Earth - but it works, and my dog and I can get back to minding our own business.
Drivers tailgate up the back end of cars ahead of them. Cars waiting in line honk as soon as the light turns green. Pedestrians walk around determined to let you know they have cellphones, and so know lots of other idiots. They pull them out at critical times, as if they are guns.
I say, how about everyone just divorce themselves from the same borderline, nebulous blob which is assumed to be society here. In fact, it is a shared, inbred dysfunction. It creeps me out. And, while you're at it, how about stop throwing your trash everywhere when you don't need it anymore? How about also picking up trash for a change? Or dog shit. I, myself, get all the compliments for always picking up after my dog. "You know what I like about you? You clean up the shit. Nobody else does that around here!" So - um - fixated on not letting this go to my head, neighbours inside and out suddenly start attacking me in little petty ways.
That's what the Nethers did. As soon as they heard me talking to anyone outside, they began attacking me passive-agressively. Can't let the white guy feel all uppity! I remember when I first came here, some teen boy wanted to fight me. He yelled, about me, "He thinks he's something special, but he ain't nobody!" Because, I never masculinely PROVED myself to them, I guess. They made these judgments, and said these things, even though they knew absolutely nothing about me. They were just fixated. Self-esteem - self-respect - not really cherished here. Or something. Got to have big money, big car. I'm not sure that, if I told them I was a published, triple-major Big-Ten college graduate, it would mean anything to them.
Anyway, back to Lucifer, the bald guy. Bald white guy. Plays the same games as the Nethers did. Always sparked by oncoming rain or snow. He acts up right before the barometer starts dropping. It is something wholly insane. Over and over again, he pulls the same crap, never getting some different result, like, maybe my floorboards suddenly, magically not squeaking anymore. Or, my dog suddenly deciding to no longer shake his fur.
Last year, the bald guy was stomping and banging, as usual. I got to turning my music up to TRY to drown him out. It turned out that he is so thin-skinned that my music really bothers him. Yay! This is despite the fact that, once, in an experiment, I went down into that apartment, to see if I could even HEAR my music. Not at all! (The Nethers, on the other hand, had a stereo equipped to play at rock concerts). So, I began turning my music up whenever he started banging at me again. It usually works!
So, on Saint Patrick's Day, last year, I played Irish music as loud as I could, all day and all night. At other times, I have played the World Beat show, which then goes into classical music all night, which is particularly annoying to him, as he must be some kind of insect of some sort. The kind that hates classical music.
So, he knows that if he pushes me too far, he is going to be kept up all night, instead of him getting up at 2:am to slam doors and keep me up all night. Therefore, he has tended to moderate his behaviour, though still trying to get away with as much as he thinks is possible. I hope you realise that I am describing to you the behaviour of a psychopath. He lies. He learns my patterns. He follows where I am and targets directly under my bed - (I have 3 beds). That is PSYCHOPATH. And it all started even before I had any idea he had moved in.
So, this year, on March 16, he shut up, because he knew what could be coming. Bagpipes, even. Gradually, he got a little more testier. And a little more. Until he was stomping around, and so forth. So, in the middle of March 17, I let loose. This time, it was not Irish, it was just a lot of indie rock and disco.
Every morning, he stomps around, as some kind of moral punishment for me still sleeping - which I am not. I, um, have CFS, and must rest through the mornings. THIS morning, there was nary a peep out of him. God bless Saint Patrick, patron saint of sticking it to the man.
I sing and whistle a little more these days. I wear shoes instead of soft silent slippers. I talk to my dog. It usually isn't as bad as it used to be - back when I broke my foot, stomping back at him.
Back then, I didn't want the old fiend to enjoy knowing that I had broken my foot. I never went to the hospital. It was hell, walking around. For like a month or more. Anyway, this bus-driver, who is strange, helped me with my groceries, up to my porch, where there is a window, behind which the bald guy watches TV football constantly. So, bald guy can hear things on the porch, especially if he's nosy, which he of course is. The bus-driver starts yapping loudly about my broken foot - and I try desperately to shush him up, and the lame-ass doesn't have a clue.
[Simultaneously hearing George Harrison sing, "I just wouldn't have a clue, If not for you"].
I later explained to the bus-driver that I do not want bald guy to know about my foot, because he's a nut case. So, OK, fine. Bus-driver seems to get the picture.
The other day, the same bus-driver helped with my groceries again, up to my porch.
"Thanks for helping me," said I.
"Oh, sure!" he exclaims. "I've always helped you, even back WHEN YOU HAD THAT BROKEN FOOT... OR ANKLE... or... eh.... whu?"
"SHHHuh! SHHHuh! SHHHuh! SHHHuh! SHHHuh!..."
Some people are so dense that they say or do exactly the wrong thing, because it pops into their memory vaguely. It's like horses running out of a burning barn, looking back, and, because of their fear, run back into the barn. It's like Freudian slips. Or, it's like when I was saying something about my face to my sister, "Usually my face is more..."
And she says, "Pasty." Not because that had anything to do with reality, but she was remind of how her face is actually the pasty face. Or, when I tried to describe to her the onset of a CFS migraine, of which she knows nothing, I said, "It's like there's a caterpillar in the middle of my brain." And, she says:
"Oh, I know EXACTLY what that feels like!"
I guess she said that to try to shut up my voice, and establish her authority, as is usual in my family. It's just rote denialism. The stuff of Magog. Of MORTALITY.
At the moment, the song that is playing is George Harrison's, "I dig love!" Once, I was singing this, where the words are inverted to, "I love dig." My brother walked in the room and immediately thought I was singing, "I love dick!"
That's what rivals are for. But, come on. It's GEORGE HARRISON! I mean, seriously.
This is the dark side of human nature which, in our society, rises up as the cream of the cream. I recently wrote about how every being secretly wants to supplant itself over an-other. Existential bias and envy. This stupid town is all wrapped up in it - in a kind of over-arching, meta-sibling-rivalry. Everyone thinking they know everyone else. But, I've gladly been an outsider all my life, hence my user name. lol
It gets reinforced through punishment and contradiction - paradoxical learning. But...
I know why the caged bird sings.
Catholic school, as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
I held my tongue as she told me, son
Fear is the heart of love, so I never went back
- from "I Will Follow You Into the Dark"
So, I have been listening to my music via computer. It is a nice change from NPR, and the oldies/farm station, to get back to listening to the theme music of my life.
There are some albums which are both wonderful music AND mean a lot to me, personally. One of these is Death Cab for Cutie's, "Plans." My CD has this album plus the 4 songs from The Postal Service's EP, "The District Sleeps Alone Tonight". (I recommend this combo. I also follow it with Longwave's album, "There's a Fire"). (Both Death Cab, and Postal, are Ben Gibbard).
"Plans," is something that never ceases to impress, and slightly depress, me. It is an experience. It suggests the passing-away of the year, from summer to December, mentioning death and sorrow along the way. In unsteady hands, this album could lead itself to suicidal feelings if, for example, one is hurting from lost love.
I had an LJ friend who listened to this album a lot. Katie, user name, xdesensitizedx. She was in college. But, she was also going crazy because the boy she had a crush on was dating someone else. Katie would ask me if I thought this girl was cuter than her, and so on. We were also friends via MySpace, chat and email. In my life, Katie was some kind of gift to me.
I would open up chat with her while she was doing lunch. I guess I took for granted how much moral support I was to her. I missed lunch once, and she began chiding me. It is hard to know when one is important to someone else. I feel I failed her - especially when she saw Ashley becoming my girlfriend, and showing up in my LJ with pics and even posts. I feel terrible that our happy fling was pushing Katie to the back of my bus, I guess. Maybe I was one piece of driftwood she was hanging on to, and when I let go, she became suicidal.
Whenever I listen to, "Plans," I always think of Katie, and how the lyrics and tone related so much to her life. I can see her just drowning in tears, listening to it. It is very difficult for me to let my life go on happilly, when I have completely lost touch with this girl. All of the sudden, she disappeared. Forever. I have tried to find her, every year or so. But I sadly feel that yes, she did commit suicide. Most probably. But, I will never know. And that's a hard thing. It feels like when I felt responsible for my Malamute's death. That was a dog I truly loved. And, I loved Katie. But I didn't know what to do to help her. I think she was caught in her own trap. Impossible to resolve.
Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.
There have been other LJ friends who have disappeared forever. With Ashley, it was my choice. Both as a boyfriend and as a friend. I just didn't have the ability to walk a sane line with her partly in my life, when the emotion and activity would be just too much for my illness. I have made it a point to try to disconnect from negativity in society, as a way to, if not edge me towards recovery, then at least to let me tread water. People, like the crazy bald guy, seem to have this inbred need to never let people alone, to be happy, or to gain better health. I'm not at all saying Ashley was like this. She was just. I don't know.
Another lost LJ friend was as good a friend one can find out of LJ obscurity. Her user name was xhollydayx. We both had a fondness for health and beauty, as well as for the band, "Yo La Tengo." She actually married another LJ guy. Well, she had lupus, and was a teacher. She was talking about how she was opening a new door, going to a conference, etc. But her health was in a bad patch. She wrote about how this was a temporary thing. But, as soon as that, she was gone forever. I asked members of her, beauty101, community - but no response.
One of my most cherished friends on LJ was, musikfurcats, or Erin in NY. She was shy, but had a fantastic imagination. She introduced me to The Dropkick Murphys. She was a virgin for some time, but she was really thrilled by my crazy, "softporn," posts. In a way I cannot explain to the general public, I feel a bit responsible for Erin. I think I might have made her feel that sex was alright to do - well, it wasn't anything direct from me. I also think that I was a male she really liked, and had me as a kind of model.
I feel like she was wanting to have a relationship experience (not with me!) which included sex - but she was all confused about sex or her sexuality. Not to put the blame on her, though, OR on me. Erin started dating a guy, and he pretty much date-raped her, coaxing her to go down on him in a car.
Afterwards, Erin was extremely upset. I mean, it would have been melodramatic, if it were not so real. I had difficulty dealing with her, especially when she was also seemingly angry at me - or maybe all males - idk. It is a terrible shame, that such a beautiful, wonderful girl should end up so hurt and fractured. I lament it to this day.
Well, at some point, I found this picture of an orgy, which looked very funny to me. I have never posted pics of penises before, but this wide-shot showed men with little stick-man thingies popping out - it looked absurd and hilarious. But, Erin saw it. I think she yelled at me. But, that was the end of her in my LJ. She had two other journals. I don't know what became of her. The hurt in this world.
I have so many LJ friends - some of them good ones - who simply disappeared because they used LJ less and less. One example of these was miss_watson, my favourite fellow-lesbian of all time. But, I have also lost a lot of LJ friends because I am almost famous for getting into fights with people. And, I need them OUT of my LJ, because I honestly cannot handle the negativity, due to my illness.
"Bad-ass" despairfaery was a good friend, but she began to hate me, especially when I occasionally started up about missing Ashley. And, I was just not Catholic enough for her or her sister, I guess. She introduced me to Moby.
I don't regret these drops - although I eventually do regret some. I do feel very bad about one, where I was clearly unfair. Finally, I have had falling-outs with some friends, and we get back together some time later. I have no active LJ friends who were with me from the start. I think that darkspectre might be my oldest friend. She mainly just tweets now.
An another LJ friend I lost is someone who was in my same city. She began dying of cancer. Once, while driving, I am sure I saw her in a convertible with her husband. She fought and fought, but died. Her husband said he was going to shut down her journal, but I convinced him to keep it up, as a tribute to her and her struggle. Can't recall her name right now.
So - the main point of this is that some music reminds me of lost friends, and that makes it all the more important to me.
Here are some albums which have been very important in my life, whether or not they have anything to do with LJ/friends. It isn't a perfect list, because there have been too many albums to think about right now, yars. It isn't ranked, either.
PLANS - (Death Cab for Cutie): Today, I realised that, "Someday, You Will Be Loved," is a rip-off of, "In degata devida" or whatever that song is called... "There is... a house... in New Orleans, They call the rising sun..."
DIVINE DISCONTENT - (Sixpence None The Richer): The pure, true honest emotion is what makes this so dear to me. I sang with it over and over again, in bed, in the early years of my CFS. In falsetto. More than any other album, I think this one bespeaks the spirit or purpose of my LiveJournal. (Jewel's breakthrough album is comparable in this way). One day, maybe I'll put music back up in my LJ, and include a song from this album. Another tune that would also HAVE to go up would be the "snowflakes" music from Edward Scissorhands.
PLAY - (Moby): What HASN'T anyone said about this masterpiece? I especially liked Gwen Stefani on, "Southside", a Talking Heads kind of song. I was amazed that the same album contained both this song AND, "Natural Blues"! Good dance music, too.
TRAGIC KINGDOM - & - RETURN OF SATURN - (No Doubt): I was a big No Doubt fan, and these albums are milestones in my life. The first is full of young excitement, the second is full of more nuanced feelings or visions.
EVERYTHING MORRISSEY - I don't even need to get into it. You all know my dirty little secret. MALADJUSTED was probably his most meaningful album in my life. Singing along while sick. Also, YOU ARE THE QUARRY. Ashley bought me a T-Shirt with the logo. Same T-shirt worn by the blond guy on Reno-911, except he tore the sleeves off.
ALL THINGS MUST PASS - (George Harrison). Classics. George at the top of his game. Big WALL OF SOUND by Phil Specter. One of the greatest albums of all time. Very much in synch with my philosophy in life, except I don't chant to various gods. Mostly just squirrels.
WISHING YOU WERE HERE - (Pink Floyd): Whenever there is some very meaningful thing going on in my life, usually positive, this album is playing somewhere. And sometimes I am high. It certainly reflects my anti-Big-Brother philosophy. Another classic album. Pink Floyd said that they threw this one together, with difficulty, because they had to race to meet demand, after the release of their blockbuster, DARK SIDE OF THE MOON. They were disappointed in it, but I think it is fabulous.
FINALLY WOKEN - (Jem): Australia's Dido, Jem has a wonderful sound. This album is creative, robust and intimate. I was introduced to it by an LJ friend in my home city. We actually met and went to a movie. She was also crazy about THE HURTING, by Tears for Fears. (There are two very madman songs on the latter: "Change!" and "Mad World"). Jem's album became very loved by me and Ashley. After we broke up, I could not listen to the song, "Stay," anymore.
BEATLES! - Of course! It's impossible to chose a favourite. White album; Revolver; Magical Mystery Tour; Rubber Soul, etc. I like the bird-like songs they were doing just as they were on the cusp of being hippies. I also like all George's work, especially - as well as the spin-offs from other artists. This subject is extensive enough to be made into a book.
REMAIN IN LIGHT - & - MY LIFE IN THE BUSH OF GHOSTS - (Talking Heads): Works of genius by Byrne, Heads, and Eno. Clearly inspired Moby. I love anything Talking Heads.
THE REAL RAMONA - (Throwing Muses): Despairfaery shared an interest in these folks. This is probably the best album for rocking while you drive. Turn it up. I really love it, sing insanely to it. And, I love everything else from all the other related bands: Muses; Belly; The Breeders, and THE PIXIES!
KEY LIME PIE - (Camper Van Beethoven): And all other works by this band. They fit my personality. Lots of ska, plus Eastern European influences! Mexicali. 80's pop.
THE WAY I SHOULD - (Iris Dement): Great music, great voice, meaningful and personal lyrics. One of her songs is my anthem. "Wasteland of the Free" - check it out!
NATASHA ATLAS + SAHARA: Arabic funk, and the sweetest voice ever. Considered to be the epitome of my listening maturity.
STATIC AND SILENCE - (The Sundays): Also the sweetest voice ever, which I love singing with because I'm a girl. The concepts of static and silence are right up my alley. And so are Sundays. And so are ads seeking romance. One of the most meaningful bands and albums in my life. (The Cranberries albums are comparable - and the song "Linger" is a masterpiece).
I CAN HEAR THE HEART BEATING AS ONE - (Yo la Tengo) - I classify this along with Belle and Sebastian; Bongwater; King Missile, etc.
EXILE IN GUYVILLE - & - LIZ PHAIR - (Liz Phair): These and others were during my Liz Phair phase, which also marks the infamous, "Cafe Saga," period of my life. The first is considered one of the best albums of all time. I hate how Garbage's second album was a complete LIZ PHAIR rip-off.
YANKEY HOTEL FOXTROT - (Wilco): Also came at an important time. Loved all the shortwave radio noise, and other static and silence, because I was, like the Wilco guy, a shortwave listener. I honed some of my cognition skills that way, I think. The main guy played with Norah Jones, who's main album was also a big influence on me. She's the tops.
I'm not even mentioning the Shins; Broken Social Scene; Rage Against the Machine; the Pogues; the Dandy Warhols; Dropkick Murphys; Beasty Boys; Bob Marley; Elvis Costello; Charlatans UK; Coldplay; David Grey; The Cure; Depeche Mode; Dusty Springfield; Flaming Lips; Flogging Molly; The Cardigans; Bjork; Dawes; Beach House; English Beat; Psychedelic Furs; XTC; Bueno Vista Social Club; the Decemberists, and more - it's ALL TOO MUCH! I haven't bought an album in years, but I have been getting most of my new music off of NPR's, "WORLD CAFE," and am a fan of just about everything they play. I also have been getting 9 hours of pretty good blues every weekend.
So, I'm putting an end to this post right now. Be sure to go to my tags and check out what's under music - or you can also go to my community, indie_lifestyle.
Thanks for shopping. I get royalties.