I have been very ill lately, unable to think, write, etc., much at all.
I don't know if this lead-in was for this particular post or not. Probably not. (It sometimes helps NOT to be able to THINK about things such as these).
It is a little after 7:pm, Fri. Maybe I am too tired to write. Maybe I shouldn't be drinking this green tea, either, even though it is decaf. I had one yester-eve, and it wasn't so helpful to today. Any amount of caffeine. Earlier today, I had two big mugs of decaf coffee, instead of one. The result was me neurologically hitting a wall, and needing to rest profoundly. I was being buggered even more than usual by the ass downstairs. It is mainly the times when he thinks I am sleeping, (or fatigued), that he stomps around and slams doors, slimy coward that he is. I have not been stomping around, slamming doors, knocking on walls, shaking my front door at him when he is outside, etc. I haven't retaliated against him for a long time. However, the other night, he was slamming doors and stomping around, so I loudly made the sound of a baby brat crying, "waaa!" Because. This old baby boomer never ever boomed - he just stayed a baby. Anyway, mainly, I have been living my life, never-minding this pathetic loser, only keeping my music turned up to drown him out, seeing as I can't drink 24/7. Indeed...
Background: Because of this creep, I got overly drunk one night, all ready for blissful, numb sleep. However, a confrontation arose with a passing idiot that evening whilst I was out with dog. Well, one or two neighbour black guys came over to yell at me as well. I scared all of them back. My dog didn't do shit. (Well, he did dogshit). Actually, it was kind of funny. The idiot spat on my yard while I was yelling at him, so I actually spat on him. He never responded with a fight. He just looked down and said, "Oh. Now I have a little spit on me." He was amusing. He did try to puish and tap my chest with his hands, after he had told me not to do the same to him, so I yelled, "You wanted me not to touch you - look what you're doing now. Look what you're doing now!" Meanwhile, both my arms were held straight out away to the sides, and I was walking right into him, so he could punch me if he wanted to. He didn't. I was fully bombastic, and folks almost always back down here, so. But, I also wanted to flatten someone. The fact was, near the end, I was too drunk AND sick to win any fight. So, after they began to leave, I didn't press it. I wisely took stock of how I felt, and went inside.
Well, so one of the neighbours who came to yell at me was this new guy. I yelled at him and saw fear rise in his face, as he backed up. Being Irish, and an immigrant, I am pretty damn good at this stuff, as Morrissey is to singing. "There is no one on Earth I'm afraid of." Well, a few days ago, the ass downstairs arrived in his car while I was out with my dog. As he approached, there was the new neighbour guy, (and a friend), who hailed him. They talked a little while. Meanwhile, I was still out cleaning up dog shit or some thing. After the ass had gone into his apartment, and after I had finished, I walked over to the new neighbour guy, who was still there, but alone. He showed a little anger or irritation as I approached, representing much of the disdain shown by others around here, (except for the female who has been here almost as long as I, who recently walked by me, preening in a flirty way, ya know). However, as I extended my hand, he said, "Feeling a little better today?"
That was a really great thing to say. I said I did have a disability. I told him that the ass downstairs was fucking with me. I said this is why I was drunk the other night. He was really receptive, and appreciated me telling him. I told him that I knew he was a good guy, from the start. Soon, we were talking and laughing about dinosaurs. As I was leaving, he said we should get together and have a drink some time. Ha ha.
I did tell this guy that the creepy ass guy downstairs was why I had to turn my music up, (even though it is barely audible downstairs). I told him that ass-guy starts stomping around if he hears me whistling, etc. "It's like he's doing the goose-step in high-heals or something, idk!"
I also told him that crazy ass-guy, a few days after moving in, was sure to get up at 4:am, so he could sit in plain view in his front window, knowing that I take my dog out around 5:am every morning. I know he was doing this as a reaction, and "competition", against me, because, when I began taking my dog outside a bit earlier each morning, to prepare his bowels and rhythms for when the clocks would spring ahead by an hour, the guy stated getting up at THREE A.M., to catch me at 4:am. Now, this is bizarre in itself, but every tiny thing that this weirdo does is reactionary and angry. Perhaps I will list them later. For some reason, he assumes that everything I do is similar against him, personally - or he simply assumes as much, since there is no harm in being wrong, I guess.
The good neighbour guy smiled, and said, "Oh, you were TESTING him!" (By getting up earlier each morning - "to see if he was indeed reacting/competing against me.") I understand this, but I was even doing that! I was not testing him - I was doing what I do every spring, (and every fall), all three times of the day when I take my dog out. But, this asshole downstairs is slamming his front door, stomping, etc., all in reaction to, basically, delusions in his head. Since this is the same mental illness displayed by Nether Girl, (and her side-kick), I am greatly forlorne over the state of the people in this area or country. (Both characters had lived in Chicago, btw). This little town is crazy enough, but how pathetic and tragic that such mental illness may be eminating from the full center of world power. This does not bode well for the future of the planet. I am deadly serious.
I met a cashier guy at a store who is from Jordan. Russian Orthodox. We spoke a lot about the Middle East, and the USA's errant role there, etc. He actually took me outside of the store so he could smoke as we talked more. He said that his girlfriend, "makes me smoke." He described her as being a two-faced controlloholic. Not unlike the holy host of Americans I myself have met in this area of the country. He said that so many people here acted "NICE" to your face or in public, but are completely horrible in private, (or in their dysfuntional relationships). Yes? Yes. How does that compare to the Nethers, who kept up their outside "nice" appearance but were evil, murderous back-stabbers behind closed doors? Closely. It is the same deal with this guy downstairs, who has been working the humble-but-gullible landlord, the neighbourhood, and me - unsuccessfully. Is he an independent psychopath or is this a kind of psychopathy of the BORG? Because I see it all blur together as one common social disease. A disease I am not a part of - or I would die. The result of this great divergence between public and private is the constant "need" to LIE, to expect lies, to demand lies. It is all rationality turned backwards upon itself, as the economy involutes, and people's prolonged ego-expectations, (self-entitlements), demand infinite servicing, and come up against infinite disappointment.
Today, I have been so frayed by illness + this guy's incessant picking-away. This is how animals often act. I have said before, this is a kind of conspiracy of herd-culling, going on here, where the poor, disabled, free, creative, true, fatigued, etc., are singled out and blamed, by all those who can fare and afford to collect into their roving PUBLIC groups and gossip clubs. What a waste for the Dollar.
Here's a little theme. I am tired - so tired - of bullshit. I am tired of confrontations. I am tired of forever being tested into acting like a so-called man. I seem to attract assholes and animals to me like I am fly-paper. Then, when I need to get them off of me, or yell, as they somehow expected and yet failed to register their expectations in their own conscious heads, it is suddenly some great outrage to them and their groups. It is as if I am to blame for them liking me so much they expected me to allow them to eat me.
As you know, the way the Nethers were finally deposed was not by the landlord doing anything about their three years of violent passive agression, plus their personal issues. It was by me NOT being listened to by the LL, and having to confront Nether Guy myself, basically inviting him to chop me in the neck, so I could then take it to the police. That's what happened. But for some reason my complaints prior to that were merely patronised by the LL and neighbourhood - and my family - just like my statements of me having CFS, dementia, heart problems were dismissed by my doctor, who then spread her personal disdain towards me to two oTHER doctors, etc. You see, it was "unmanly" for me to say I was fatigued, or (severely) bothered by passive aggression, which was reason enough for people to creep in and mess with me, ignore me, gossip to their groups. This is a perpetual trap, and the only way out of it is to finally start yelling at people, who must know deep down that they are being assholes, at least when fear strikes them back. Why? Why the need? I don't understand this thick, thick denial. It is as poisonous as hyperinflation. Is it because the only thing people are dwelling on is money or sex? I'll tell you, many was them time I would try to talk to particular females in cordial or formal or factual manners, and then clearly see them show real, silent anger at me for not trying to get them around into bed with me. As if I had some kind of noble obligation to society to be a lude male whore, when all is said and done. Again, this slippery trap never ends well, unless I end up having to yell at them to wake up and be professional. After all, they're usually being paid for such, and not to abuse their office. Of course, you females out there know all to well how countless male idiots abuse their offices, or such, to bait and sexually harrass, and yet you don't get to yell at them like a crazy male. However, I get so tired of being a male, nevertheless, because, believe me, being a male invites a constant stream of people testing one, requiring a constant come-back or retaliation. Look how crazy and bald this mentality has made the crazy ass-guy downstairs. Now, he is trying to lock me into the dynamic that ate him alive, because he is so old and bald and TV-drugged that he can dream of no way out for himself, and he blames me for breathing, as if to insult him. Paranoia breads paranoia in others, and I am just plain sick of this bullshit game rolling larger and larger as the years go on, and the nation declines. Soon, we are blaming each other for being Isis. But it is like the two guys on either side of a partitioned desk, in the movie "Brazil", fixated on pulling the desk-cover into their respective area - back and forth back and forth, petty and niggling, then: The other guy just runs away in absolute fear when his private BS is suddenly exposed. I tell ya. Why cannot men look down upon their trivial pathos and just plain grow up? It's been killing the entire planet.
Every time I am forced into this pathos, it means another week of severe illness, roughly. Why would I choose this? Instead, I mind my own business and then what happens? I am back in Brazil, as the guy who is being smothered and consumed by blown sheets of newspaper, disappearing. It is not just people who are buggering me. It is the pathos of the planet.
Some people have an unwarranted persecution complex. These may tend to be people who have all the health and wealth they need. Some people may be attacked and it doesn't affect their needs in any way, just their bloated egos, or the schedule of sex or money-making. Afluenza.
But, there really are people who are being persecuted, often by default or ignorance, (denial is the most cutting form of persecution), often by the very poofs who's inertial ego's have been pricked, mentioned above. And when we shout that these people, "Have a persecution complex!" what we, the true sinners, are doing is blaming the victims. The pecking-order game of kicking down the people below you, functions on the premise of complete denial, because all your feet mean to do is step up the assumed "ladder" below. So, you do not see the persecution of the people you accuse of being paranoid or such. Of, you can do this by proxy, through association with, and support of, your groups, real or fancied. Your church, your class, your so-called race, etc.
But these really-persecuted people are mainly, often, people being robbed by the blind - the blindly selfish, rich, mean - a conspiracy of consumption we generally refer to as, "capitalism" - more appropriately: dysregulated, dysfunctional, corrupt, crisis, crony capitalism, which is more appropriately called, "statism," or, "tyranny of the status quo." Stuck on values of the past, all of society corrupts.
Remember this thought: As everyone in society cranes their neck to the sway of the old and stagnant, and subsequently thrash out against each other, reactionary men turn into animals, movements arise to cull the herd, and humanity devolves.
Tyranny of the status quo, which virtually all defend, falling behind, in a kind of, "I've got mine," upside down, Tragedy of the Commons.
And so, I now say, not only are there really people being persecuted, but these people are in the majority. Almost all expectations are being disappointed. So, there are covert slings and arrows of blame and outrageous misfortion being thrown about everywhere, sometimes creating hotspots of conflict, like rays of radiation converging at critical mass. It is turning inwards, raising chaos and heat. Defiantly, groups and so-called individuals strain to preserve their expectations, their rights, their entitlements, and the gross result is that all of society involutes, the main national product being corrosion and fault. Blame. Injury. Fatigue. Heat death rising under the stars of fanatastical absolutes. American dreams. Thus, almost everyone is under a diffuse assault, a death by a thousand cuts. But what would be the result if they instead gave up their absurd expectations, and learnt to live a little more humbly? I have two or three answers to that.
The very chaos in the assault tends to drive people, especially the more entitled in wealth or power, to accelerate their expectations, or ego-demands, even further - further ahead of the great teeming pack of little people and useless eaters. They spend more money, into fewer and fewer pools of bigger and bigger capital, just as the less fortunate invest their ego's more and more into bigger and bigger groups, or races, religions, nations. In so doing, they are functions of the entropic system of broken capitalism. By redefining WANTS as so-called NEEDS, above the value of others below, values are distended, expectations are protracted, ends are extended, means become meaner, absolutes more abstract and yet insistent, and the group's rational for existence is not that it wants certain things, but that it is bequeathed by god and right to get its way, all else be damned. This extension of expectations is more done by the rich than by the middle class, and more by the latter than the poor. But many of the deluded and insane poor do it as well. When so many people are becoming more and more intractibly demanding, then cooperation fails - in society, in business, in apartments, etc. And no one is happy. And mnore chaos is only intensified, and real persecution only proceeds, MOSTLY UPON THE TARGETTED LESS-FORTUNATE OR VULNERABLE OR "UNMANLY". Or unwhite. Or unblack. Or unAmerican. Or unChristian.
However, there are some who do indeed give up their now-errant expectations, for more humble ones, as the economy demands. Are they now happy? With the whole simplicity thing? Well, not many of them chose this new way who did not do so under duress. So, many may be resentful, and carry the same angry shadows of their former expectations. But, not all. And, some may be happy. I will tell you that I learnt to lower my expectations long before the crash of 2008, at a time when my entire life was destroyed by illness. I myself would be sadly happy now, if I were not so sick, and certainly if I were not forever besieged by this great throng of disgruntled asshole Americans, whom I have studied to my dismay.
However, there are many less-fortunate people who have had to lower their expectations, and have not all been gaining "spiritually" by it. They have been caught in the vice of society broken by broken capitalism, which can be simply exemplified by the loss of jobs and wealth overseas due to unfair trade deals, even though a smaller amount of others have gained by these deals. Over time, as the economy globalises, we get more and more of the same story: Most labourers lose out, more people go hungry, more die in catastrophes like Fukushima and Katrina, more become chronically ill by geometrically increasing and combining toxins in the environment, including GMO's - WHILE LESS AND LESS GO ON TO BECOME THE SUPER-RICH.
It's the same old Catch-22 vice that has been staving and squeezing people in Latin America, etc., where workers flood to impossible cities only to become impoverished, whereas the country's wealth is sucked away by foreign banks and corporations, and the country's own political and business mini-elite. The choice is such: "Either cooperate with the plan and fail, while we profit, or do not cooperate with the plan and fail, while we profit, even if we have to invade you." Well, that vice, extended by coporations and countries, is what we do to each other, in the pecking order, as we each step on the heads of those below us, assuming them to be a ladder. So, at the top is a big pot of capital. Capital what? Paper? Numbers? Godliness? Or - the socially-sanctioned right to control everybody else in the pecking system?
Our expectations are vices.
It is those already at a disadvantage who are pushed back into further disadvantage, arithmetically, by the numbers and by the experience. That is, while the pot of evapourated capital gets larger and further at the top, for fewer and fewer, and richer and richer deniers, with their language of lies and acts of haphazard cruelty, the numbers of the marginalised, lost, and abused, increases at a rising rate, and so as a larger perportion of the population. So does their personal experience of their losses. At the same time, they press upon the rich and powerful like the disorder rising, them only into building up their castles and turrets and economic safeguards and weaponry and controls, inclusing invasions of privacy, and negative interest rates, and the virtualisation of cash. Inflation over deflation, if they can manage it. One main thing we are talking about, economically, is their manipulation of credit, and of investment capital and instruments, such as the relatively new and insane derivatives market.
It is this lost, teeming mass which experiences the the brunt of the vices of surfeit expectations, which are socio-economic denial, which is the persecution, where discomfort is foisted off upon those less able. More and more, the mere act of this transfer becomes the name of the game, rather than, say, cooperation, progress, or producing anything of useful value, just as credit and GNP and investment go more and more into destructive, dissipative or abstract enterprises. More and more money gets spent on irrational affairs, less and less on wealth-producing cooperation. Likewise, corporate/feudal privatisation, even of governments, (see Snyder, Rauner, Trump), impoverishes the capacity of the wealth-producing COMMONS. This whole philosophy of "maximise freedom - especially for me" only goes to serve the deregulation of corrupt mega-corporations, and a tiny handful of dutiful shills, NOT for the majority of common, so-called "libertarians" stupidly espousing it. They, instead, fall together with the liberal poor, foisting off their common persecution against each other. This is an illustration of the elites' stragedy of, "divide and conquor." And so you see the Trumpaholics being hyped up on the right, and the Black-Lives-Matter being hyped up on the left, gearing towards racial riots at the slightest increase of heat or provocation, calling for yet more polise, and militarisation, and controls, and thefts from above. And so, the general persecution falls upon the increasingly marginalised even with their blithe assent. The more capital is abstracted at the top, the more the marginalied are disabled - except, perhaps, for those able to step outside the games, and the rhetoric, which keep their "status-quo" expectations and anger in high gear.
What may become of those wise poor who are able to step outside of it all, and lower or change their expectations?..........