First of all, a Rock & Roll giant is playing at Kryptonite (Rockford) on May 17, Dick Dale. His amazing Western-twangy guitar was VERY influential on the California sound in the 60's, and a lot of other rock. He still is king, and still plays well, I hear. Highly check-outable. Tickets are $20, which is too high, since not a lot of Rockford kids know or care about him. But his talent should get him $50 tickets in Chicago. I saw that Al Green is playing in Chi Town, and so is... I can't even remember. Anyway, Al Green tickets are $65, and the other band (Coldplay?) is like $25 - so whom would I rather see, even though Al Green IS GOD?
OK - I said I'd say who rocketh, and now I doeth....
Jimmy Eat World
Garbage - (new CD / tour)
Coldplay - (new live CD / tour)
And a lot more……
Now, on to some more amazing mishaps and adventures...
Walking my dog in the woods... She sees some furry sort of ground hog, and instantly activates her wolf-in-pursuit-of-meat" genes, and pulls me along at literally break-neck speed. So, I tame her down, but not in time to avoid getting a thorn driven into my finger. So I chide her, and then get out my tweezers and pull the bugger out. Done with the job, I, of course, throw my tweezers into the woods. My BEST tweezers! So, I look for them and I can't find them. I make a point of coming back another day with a garden tool, to scrounge for them further. Which I did the other day... but not before a huge blackberry branch swung and hit me upside the head, throwing thorns into my right temple area, and causing a temporary power outage in the neighborhood.
I can't remember my other amzing misadventures at the moment - but I have a question... Is Lindsay Lohen, the girl in "Freaky Friday," the same girl in "The Parent Trap?" - I think yes she is!!! But the bigger question is this: Are these two girls the same girl in "My Boss' Daughter"? - except the latter grew up, died her hair platinum, donned some bright grey contact lenses, and became incredibly sexy???? Am I wrong to think these thoughts?
I'm driving down Harrison, and I see a big fun-looking garage sale, so I turn at the next available street, and find my way there. OK - So I'm at this garage sale, and their all packing it in - almost 5:pm, the BEST time to go. So the woman says - "Anything in that box is free," (hardware). And I go, "Is that true for everything else?" Then the guy goes, "You can have that whole (free) box for $5," which is a non-sequitor. So I say, "How about $1?" - even though I don't want the whole box. And then there were smiles but no answer. So, um, did I do something wrong? Everything in the box started off as free, so then they want $5 for the whole box, and get irritated when I offer $1, even though I don't want the whole box?!?!? So - I know there's already an issue going on now, because the guy goes over to his little daughter and starts telling her, something like, "Don't ever offer anyone anything because they'll just take advantage of you... ANYONE... bla bla bla... Do you understand what I'm saying?" And she goes, "...uh....No..." And he completes his wisdom, with, "Well, you will one day..." So, I collect a few pieces of hardware from the box, pick up a shirt from another "FREE!" box, and another thing or two, and two garden tools. They're throwing it ALL out while I'm doing this. So, I don't ask for my little stash for free, or even for a dollar... I go, "How about FIVE dollars?" And the woman is still on her high donkey, and she says, "Sound all right to me..." But she isn't thinking. She still getting change for me as I hand her the $5 bill - because she has not yet conceptualised that I am NOT taking advantage of her. So, yeah, fuck you, daddy. Just then, his wife offered me a free demonstration of her Amazing Nipple-Nibblers!
Driving into Bob's (Ace) Hardware, (which, by the way, does deliver), I saw some kids w/ "FREE CARWASH!" signs - so I eventually drove into their little carwash world, and they did their stuff. One cute little Asian girl smiled. When I looked at the odd thing she had strapped to her pants - which was a radio/toy - she threw it off, possibly wishing to appear more grown-up. I also observed her leg, which had some sort of injury. She ran off and told her friends that I was singing Blink 182 in my car while they were washing. Then when I was leaving, the older male overseer guy stuck his head in and asked if I was a UW graduate, etc. As I left, the little girls shouts out, "I like your car!" A few hours later I'm driving by, and I give her a smile, and she smiles back. Cute - but a kid... yet I want to appear nice to her, just because maybe one day she'll model her boyfriend after me: progressive, nice, creative, etc. But this brings me to a subject where young girls have been eyeing me lately. Like 12-16. Always very cute. In one case, a girl was walking down Machesney mall with her mom ... I'm walking towards them... But her mom starts moving and moving her daughter to their right so they will pass on my left, and so then the mom would be between us. But fuck - I wasn't interested in the girl, or even looking, I was just walking. So, not one to accept bullshit, I moved further and further to my left, so they eventually had to pass me on my right. And the girl and I passed and looked at each other... and my message was not, "I want to fuck younger girls", it was, "Don't accept the bullshit!"
And this leads me to another issue... I am more and more hesitant to talk to or even look at girls in Rockford between the ages of say 18 and 25 - why? Because I believe they are all the Borg. They are all a part of a single organism, linked to each other by gossip and cell phones. Their mission on Earth is to destroy me.
There was that babe in the care the other day, and then some other girl yesterday who looked like the girl at the RVC counter - yet even these girls I looked at begrudgingly, with a smug look that said, "I will not let you touch me."
Well, I would much rather fraternize with girls in Rockford younger than the Borg, because, listen - the Borg is the Borg because it is composed of all the loser girls who HAVEN'T LEFT Rockford or gone on to a DECENT UNIVERSITY and who have no life except to bolster Rockford's ethic of all-consuming idiocy. And the pre-Borg kids at least have an assortment of people who have spines and ambition and creativity and sincerity, etc., because THEY HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO LEAVE YET. It has nothing to do with the Borg decree that I am a pedophile, because I would associate with people over 25 if it weren't for the fact that they are even more far-gone than the Borg - mainly a bunch or red-necked hippies and baby-boomers who want to control everyone and everything, often in the name of God, or else KILL you, with bodies and minds from HELL, plus a bunch of remote-control old people who's purpose is to thin out the number of sane, innocent drivers in Rockford.
And I find myself only caring to talk to non-white people, except from my neighborhood, so I guess I am a pedophile and a racist, and must be destroyed!
So, I have decided to transform myself into the girl in pink underwear on page 20 of this week's Marshall Field's Sunday insert. I think this way, people will stop trying to blame me for everything, and I can have girlfriends and kid friends and no one will call me a pedophile. And I won't have to be a Caucasian anymore. Because Caucasians have to adopt this completely soul-smothering denial of guilt, which they express as moral and spiritual superiority.
I just want to plat SCRABBLE.
I just need to shrink my torso and hands and etc., and let me hair grow out. I already have good pects, so I don't need to grow breasts. Anyway, I had a dream the other night that I got breasts implants, but one was male and one was female, so they mated with each other, and I ended up spending the rest of my life lying in the forest with these two silicone breast implant trees growing up out of my chest.
Now - who can top an imagination like that?!