My killer relapse of past days is now closing. The center of my brain had been really under siege, rendering me inutile. Very few people, who even know of CFS, realise that it can get as severe as the most severe chronic illnesses. This is why I am alone.
People who fail to understand my illness inevitably worsen it. That especially applies to people with narcissistic and psychopathic inclinations. In this work-a-day world, who would think to understand such things, but rather content themselves in donating platitudes and gifts with strings attached? I cannot handle any more strings than I am already dealing with. Basic strings, like keeping my dog fed, and psychologically stable. (Meanwhile, he is dogging me everywhere I go - and the more love I give him, the more demanding or uncontrollable he becomes).
I want to live in an environment of trust, where fools do not hone in to collapse the vulnerable, and things get done with a nod and a wink. So many think that, for some reason, whether they feel their disingenuous patronising somehow demands it, while I am poor or needing or in pain, I must explain, and explain, the obvious, the discrete, my past choices or budgetting. I walk to the store out of need, and am jokingly called a, "big spender," because of the store's prices. They don't look at HOW I'm buying, why, or the overall picture.
This is the whole thing about how human primates of the day seem to need to erode and dismantle the ORGANIC living of others, when they see the chance, just as they did to the Native Americans. But they do so brainlessly, and with heads full of sanctimonious self-congratulations.
Because I washed my clothes in the bathtub, quietly, for example, I was assaulted from Nether Land, for being, what? Unconventional? Poor? I still don't get their point, other than the overall sad mindset of controllahlism, or social Darwinism, or American competition on crack. But even trust can be a vehicle for control, sometimes, as we shall see, in future readings.
Well, last night, I think, I finally managed to manipulate the brain problem a little, through a little sort of meditation, which is like biofeedback without the technology to help. By focusing on the lower BACK of my brain, and oscillating that slowly with the center/front, I was able to make a little progress.
Another thing I do is to take a very deep breath, hold it, eventually slowly release - and this gets BP and O2 into some of the shut-off areas of my brain. Possibly, this leads to headaches a day later. But real, conventional headache pain is actually preferable to the CFS/ dementia/ migraine stuff I go through, and is often a sign of (temporary) recovery or "healing." I also reduced my decaff coffee intake, didn't eat so late, and increased the anti-fungals/biotics = garlic, Tinactin (yep), cloves, cinnamon.
I use anti-histamines for quickie relief, but these do not actually fight off the causative pathogen, whatever that is. And, so, after Benadryl, things eventually get even worse. However, using ONION powder is helpful as an anti-histamine, with less of this problem. I have used the supplement, "Quercetin," (found in onions, etc.), as a natural antihistamine, but often cannot afford it.
The sulphur in garlic and onions, (and cruciferous), is important for getting oxygen to mitochondria, and is often sold as a supplement, "MSM," which is also good for cartilage health. Always, whenever I have a relapse, my spine also has cartilage and liquid deficiencies, probably also due to lymphatic activity (dehydration) as well as a failure of nerves in the area, probably parasympathetic.
Also: I have been trying to sleep more, especially since the Nethers may again attack with thunderous bangs again at any time. These attacks can ultimately be life-threatening to me.
The result of my efforts listed above was that I began this morning with a powerful "conventional-pain" headache in the center-front of my head. This indicates an attempt to "heal," (for now), which may falter, if I don't allow it to unfold at its own pace. The headache continues. Then, I drank my early decaff coffee, and the little caffeine in that increased my BP, and worsened the headache, and I hit a brick wall. I ended up forgetting the entire subject of the mini-theme post I had planned just 5 or 10 minutes earlier, and lat stupefied behind my laptop.
Forgetting ideas, words, constructions, beginnings - these are all par for the CFS/ dementia course. But to forget an entire THEME planned only minutes earlier, when I am so devoted to such things?!
I had to lie down and rest, and eventually remembered much of the theme post, by recalling geese featured in yesterday's, "This American Life." That is suggested listening, as is, perhaps, the "act" about the deranged turkey near Martha's Vinyard.
I think proper-noun place names are not supposed to have apostrophes - right - or is this just some weird conjuring I summoned?
Wanting to write, dealing with illness, final day(s) of internal Nether threat, and need to clean massively before LL shows up. The latter is mostly a matter of my own integrity - or need to accomplish my own plans - before moving on - otherwise I become overwhelmed, especially when ill, because, when ill, there is no ability to plan, to SEE a mes, to motivate. All is pain and desperation for sleep. This is not what I had planned for my life. And, therefore, I am attacked for the sins of all white people. Make any sense to you?
PS - When I make an important transition in my, "recovery from a major relapse," my heart often experiences a minute or two a very sharp pain. It is confined to the heart, and not to vein/artery. Therefore, I am pretty sure it is a readjustment of a valve, probably the mitral valve, away from dysfunctional prolapse. Possibly, this occurs after a pathogen/toxin has been cleared out, even perhaps from the heart itself, and/or after a diminishment of toxicity-to-brain from immune system hyperactivity, (cytokines, IG, histamine). Within a minute after this adjustment takes place, I feel an improvement in my brain's BP, and in cognitive and physio-regulatory activity. While my CFS cognitive dysfunction may be attributed to immune hyperactivity, causing swelling, it may rise to the level of dementia - VASCULAR dementia - i.e., due to brain BP dysregulations, in addition to possible effects of some unknown pathogen.
Today, my heart went into this very bad pain. Soon,my dog walked in and checked on me. I think he does have a measure of psychic awareness, at important times. Most of the time, he want to follow his nose, eat, and so on. My female dogs seemed more psychic than him - but maybe males tend to have an important psychic "hunchability" in times relevant to immediate survival, like hidden predators, or the possible death of a partner or provider.
When friends sense one is threatened, they check to see or help. When foes sense that one is threatened, they move in for the kill. It's the same psychic sense. Most of them do not even know that they are referring to deeper phenomena, but only sense their emotion, which helps define their egos.
Yesterday evening, my brain was tortured by illness, and fatigue. I had an opportunity to take my dog out, at the regular time, and I see N-Girl coming up, and spitting towards me. For one thing, imagine how that looks, to see someone so filled with hate, when all one is is racked by illness, meaning no harm to anyone - only to mind his own business. It's like watching a movie - on a drive-in movie screen, from far away, with no sound. Like - um, wtf. But, since she has been an avowed foe, from day one, she is acting on her sense that I am vulnerable, and attacking, in her own insane way.
It once surprised and confused me, that so many people prey upon victims, whom they regard as having vast, superhuman powers of evil and danger. How people regard the Jews, the blacks, the homeless - the ill - regarded as witches and demons in the past, of such great power! The weaker the victim, the more he or she is considered a terrible threat, requiring yet greater force and expense to exterminate! This is how people act during the decline of empire, their egos so full, their souls so tenuous.
Now, I see the basic "instinct" in this - in the limbic and mob brains. The greater the stress, the more the country drones off looking for weaker and weaker terriblists to persecute. Crucify. They pick up signals from their psychic sense, and this gets all distorted through their prisms of denials, and all they can think to do is to put full force of hatred and assault upon the weakest victims they can find - so cowardly in need of safety as they (the oppressors) are. So, obviously, there is no good end to this ever-consumptive obsession, which is also a money-sink, throwing more and more energy into the elimination of the smallest and smallest and farthest and finest and MOST FREE victim. And, of course, it is common that the victims feed into this game, heroically, Romantically, stupidly, etc. "Let's go out and burn our neighbourhoods down! Let's go shoot at firefighters! Let's provoke more attacks, in defiance!"
Both sides are in a death wish in automatic overdrive. So much for safety. So much for security. How easy for more worldly players to pick up the strings and play these groups against each other, profitting by demanding protection money, by running gnns, and all that.
Whatever psychic information, there was a whole lot more cognitive and emotional dysfunction behind N-Girl's fixation upon me. And the thing about this fixation is that it never left room for her to doubt her, uh, suspicions - her paranoia - her blame. Therefore, I was always, "in the wrong," I was always the one, "initiating the problems," and so forth. And I'd like to briefly mention how this was done.
One way was that she only respects fear. She constantly believed she was creating fear. Many times, this backfired on her, and so she hated me even more - because her conclusions were fixed - her ends justified the means. Rather than learn from her mistakes, she paradoxically intensified her paranoia, and her need to harass, or, "control". Whenever it backfired, as when she fell into yet another naturally-constructed trap, she fell back into her own FEAR. Therefore, I, the victim, acquired yet greater superhuman powers, and therefore needed to be stamped out even more, next time around.
When her fear fell back enough, and next time came around, she would again set to retaliate - since her fear proved that anything I did was yet more "DELIBERATE" actions, or intentions, i.e., imaginings, against her. So, she would retaliate. But, maybe I was off doing something, since I was not fixated on her, as she expects, in her psychopathic worldview. Or maybe I was doing something which had nothing to do with her. Maybe I was sick. Maybe I was writing. Maybe I was cooking. Whatever. Her warped superstition would then interpret this lack of response, (tit-for-tat/ etc.), as me being AFRAID of her.
Therefore, she thought she "won", when in fact she was only playing games in her own head. And she would put N-Guy up to reinforcing these games, expecting him to be super-fearless, when she would not see the reality that both of them are actually disgusting cowards. FEAR. One way she interpreted me as being in fear is when the guy hit me in the neck, (but later ran away when challenged). He then was able to brag and such, and she was able to think that he would be able to back her up further, so she proceeded to ramp up her passive aggressions.
One night, the guy was downstairs, messing with her, and she was fighting him off, and saying she thought I might call the pllice, since he was here illegally. He said, "He's not going to call the f**king cops!" Ha! Once again, they interpret my respect and forgiveness as fear. So, what happens next? Their egos get even bigger, and some days later he is outside shooting off a gun, to scare me off. This is an allegation - I do not have solid proof that it was him, but the probability is very high. Whether or not this was him, I decided to call the pllice later that night, and did. Thereafter, the guy was nowhere to be seen.
Her disappointment that her bf was something less than me made her hate me even more, to further cover over her fixation, originally based on desire. Her desire is intricately connected to fear. I call this a, "low resolution" mentality. And the game she is playing, psychologically and really, is female goading of two males to fight for her genes, or what I call, duelism.
So, anyway, you can see that she is either in fear, or thinking she is causing fear, and there is no other room, for anything else, like contradicting information, empathy, cooperation, or basic normal sanity. THIS is one way I was constantly being forced into a trap, even though it all came from a game in her head. Either she is FEAR or I am FEAR, and all that is important is the psychopathic logic, or game, of FEAR.
Actually, I had two other ways her fixation seeks to force the target or victim into not being forgivable, or free of the blame, or free of the guilty verdict, before a trial or jury proceeds, but it is late, I am getting a little tired, and I want to try to do other things soon, if I can - possibly that mini theme post mentioned above.
However, I am sure I will cover this subject again, fairly soon: The psychopath reduces others to pawns in the game in his/her head - the game of force, of fear, of eat or be eaten, and all that. The logics of death. It is an ANIMAL logic. They project onto others. They spread gossip and blame. They exploit the vulnerable. They steal credit. They LIE. They demand control, because they always feel out of control, since they are always outside of themselves. So, look forward to a better post later, simply on this topic. bya.
Oh! A very important point I meant to add: People think that psychopaths can be evil geniuses. Well, yes. For one thing, they spend their adolescence learning how to put their higher brain and related thoughts into the service of their reptilian brains, rather than vice versa. Also, like animals, they also key into psychic signals, although they may not realise this - although, they often tend to be superstitious and cultish in their private lives as well. But the important point is that sheer limbic or reptilian emotionalism is what carves out most of the so-called genius - the schemes and logics and manipulations. It is the method of emotionalism which virtually PHYSICALLY devises the logics of death - what, to normal outsiders, may seem surprisingly intelligent. No. Not so much! EMOTIONALISM CREATES THE ELEGANT LOGICS OF DYSFUNCTION. Do you see what I am trying to say? I will emphasise this again in the later post(s).
NOTE: The mini theme post below, posted earlier today, is NOT the theme post mentioned in this here post, I reckon, and has yet to be written.