[thurs morn may 9] - That pretty much says it all, and so now we will move along to a different subject: passive aggression. Mainly, I just want to briefly make this subject simplified, after all my obtuse interpolations and interpretive obfuscations. I was going to say, "ablations," but I don't even know what that means. I was also mummified today when I was trying to figure out what a, "compunction," is. E.g., does a liar have no compunction against lying, or does a liar have no compunction when it comes to lying? I think the former. And what, prey tell, is a, "tangent"? Is this what I am doing right now? A tangent? Something tells me it is.
Or is it an orange-flavoured breath mint?
[resumed 3pm same day] - It is getting warm here. Especially w/ this mugga coffee. I am waiting for the LL to return call(s), aft. our discussion on tuesday. She had said she would find some fine mulch to cover the grass-seed, and also look for a four-pronged rake, pour moi. Poor me, I must wait to rake the thatch and soil, before I can plant the seed. I am hoping for some rain soon, to condition the soil for this. But I am in Limbo w/ the LL. I told her I was hoping to plant the seed that Tuesday! Now, I am waiting. And here's the problem:
The good thing is that I moistened the (5#) seed on the very same day I got it - which was, Tuesday. This gives it a head-start. I did this before, and after a week of it, the grass began sprouting. Then I mixed it with calcium, bone meal, and various other things, to make it easy to cast. Well, those wonderful sprouts didn't seem to do well at all. I should have just eaten them. But why didn't they do well? Was it the frost? Was it the sparrows? Was it the sun drying them out? The latter has been my main hunch.
Or - maybe the phosphorus in the bone meal actually BURNT the sprouts!
So, now I am concerned that the longer the present (moist) grass seeds sit in that bone meal, the greater the chance they will become impotent. (Am I turning you on yet? - sprouting; bonemeal; moist seeds, impotent?!!! whoo hoo!!! oh YEah!!)... The good things is that they are many days away from sprouting, so maybe they will be safe(!?) The bad news is that, this time, I didn't mix ANYTHING else into the bonemeal - it is just pure bonemeal, meaning a higher concentration of calcium. So - this is often referred to as, "The Gardener's Dilemma". Should I plant now? Or later? It's like a Catch-22, or some terrible Hitchcock Nightmare, egads. Woe is me, yo.
I think the word, "whether," derived from the same source as, "weather." E.g., "I am wondering WEATHER to plant now or to plant later." Whether or not - it is as if it depends on the ephemeral weather. More word play for your distraction, to which I am driving you to.
Well, these poor little grass creatures, having to suffer for our own human retarditude*.
[resumed 8:45pm same day] - I think this was interrupted by a call from my LL. She said she was sorry, but there were little emergencies to take care of, like a broken water heater. (I wonder if it was the Nether Water Heater, cuz I was hearing all this water pouring for a while downstairs. Maybe they opened my water heater, meaning I may get a big water bill for this month. This morning at 4am there was a gigantic bang below my back room, where I slept. I figured this was them now doing their, "we'll START something," programme. I was already awake, with earplugs, and radio earphones over the earplugs, and pillows over that. It didn't scare me - but it did go straight for my heart, which so easilly slips into RACING mode, due to my physical PTSD. The way I try to turn this around is by taking a very deep breath, and holding it for as long as possible. I do this several times. It works when the problem isn't too bad. I managed to have a fairly OK day, with some troubles. Presently, my heart isn't great. My dog is too warm here, in this back room. Hopefully, cool weather will happen soon - hopefully tonight?
I'm not really interested in talking about passive aggression right now. Mainly, I am too warm. I should turn off the laptop, which contributes to the heat in this tiny room. More, or less, later....
[post is resumed 2:15pm friday] - Life has been odd, including dream-wise. Apparently, N-Girl has again fled town! Although I party, this too shall pass. Even after the LAST time she fled, she came back and dared to start telling me what to do with my dog. (So I yelled volcanically at her, and she shrank back into her lair, and thus she fled town again THIS time. I think prior into this flight, she was stalking or freaking or trying to intimidate me by driving her car about and stopping it outside, and etc.). So, that means she might compell N-Guy to bark at me, next time around. This is prophesied inside her skull, in which she is trapped.
Her car has been gone, and almost no noise from the Nether Regions. So, I decided to get some wine - not so much to get snookered, but to feel free, and to focus on writing. Unfortunately, I have been having brain probs plus a migraine, and these aren't helping right now.
There was another reason I decided to have a writing party. My LL had sent someone over, to give me the rake, but they basically just did what I WOULD have done if I had had the rake: They loosened the dirt and cut into the thatch, careful not to disturb my new grass coming in. So, I called my LL, and greeted her as a, "Crafty Girl!" - But she said she was unaware that the guys had actually done the work for me. "I"m clueless. A clueless girl." Who knows, maybe she was behind this benevolent conspiracy. "We may never know", (to quote Bill Clinton, re: the death of Vince Foster). Well, later, I looked further, and saw that they had actually laid down NEW GRASS SEED as well!
Now, here's an interesting twist. Recall, above, that I mentioned concern that the phosphorus in the bonemeal might start burning my moistened grass-seed, (which is in a bucket inside)? Well, this morning, my grass-seed was almost piping-hot! Was this phosphorus - or was this composting - or was this COLD FUSION???!!! I don't know, but I put cold packs on it, and eventually separated it into smaller containers. But, I mean, it was really hot!
Well, if the roots were already growing, then this could have been damaging. The question now is, did it COOK the interior of the seeds, or did it actually help BOOST growth by merely warming the interiors, which were already in germination? Whether or not they were in germination yet could be the big question - because moist, germinating grass seed can withstand pretty high temperatures. Well - we shall seed. Even if this batch is a complete loss, at least the repair guys added new seed. And, even if the latter dries out tomorrow, there is some of my original grass growing - just not in the thatchy areas. And, just having the thatched areas loosened up, this will allow old peripheral grass to move in.
Well, I walked to the P.O. and mailed a tiny flat rate package. I love the size of those boxes, although I was hoping that the postage would be half as much - it is a little over $5. Some little old country-townie lady customer impressed me, and we exchanged quips. That reminds me, I recently got a public-taxi ride from a nice old guy who lives in the country. I have talked to him 2-3 times, about his garden, climate change, etc. He is so nice, agreeable and positive, which is sweet, but also he is a woose. I love such people, but after a little while I don't know what to do with them. I start regretting that I never had a brain-free life on a farm, with perfectly content gut bacteria, and complete insulation from any threat of city toxoplasmosis and resultant cat-worship.
One of the few good things about living here is when I run into original townie and/or country people. It is not only a study of Americana, harkening back to Reaganish days, when boys had to send away for their own flying penises, but it also reveals stoic characteristics of self-determination, odd cranky humour which was once all the rave, consistent and boring lifelong morality, desperate Christian eyes trying to make as many friends as possible before closing - and, WUT? - racism, anti-communism, pro-GOP, and such?
Yes - the marvel of travelling back in time through these people is that, the further back you go, the more they have this dirt-worldly dualism abiding quite comfortably and hypocritically in their souls and sinews. They don't even see the problem with the, "Black-vs-White," way of thinking - and they don't even think that they practice it. They hit some contradiction and all they know is they've got to milk the cows. You know these older people I am talking about. It is sweet and funny - and ya wonder how we got so fucked up today - how could have POSSIBLY come from such germinal contradictions? But I guess it did.
I love these people because they love the land, as I do. The whole purpose of my failed non-profit was to try to advance respect-for-the-land in the city, and also to provide havens for people who are bullied in urban society - the old, the ill, the elderly, the children. Think of all the exploratory brain and spiritual - and socially associational - power that these marginals could bring to revive city vitality, if only they were encultured! It is not far off from finding this power in people, and finding the same power in nature. But - not in Ye Olde City - the idea was ahead of its time - and the time may never come, sadly.
I once went into the liquor store - (which is really mostly wine&beer) - and met an old guy outside. He gave me a big hella HELLO! So, I returned as exuberantly. And he knew I wasn't mocking him or forcing him away, because we had very wise dancing eye contact. When I went inside, I told the regularly-talkative teller that I met a nice old guy outside. She said that that was her father. He was in his 80's. Well, I wanted to tell my LL about this apparently exceptional guy. He seemed TO GET IT! He knew what human existence was about. (Apparently! Most humans disappoint me - esp. when they demand sex. And I cannot stand sex with anyone with hairy ears. I know you can relate... JK).
Why did I want to tell my LL about him? Because HER father seemed the same way. Clever. Wise. Young at heart. Aware of their limitted time. I wish these two guys could play Poker of Chess together. But, how do I tell her this? For one thing, old men are not wont to be hooked up for any kind of damn thing. Am I right? Even the wisest of them all. o long as they are king in their meager corner, they can't be bothered wasting energy on new nonsense. And, from someone having CFS, I can totally relate to this - and my faithful readers will see this. Who needs the bother?!?!!?
But, another reason is that my LL would eventually ask, "Oh? What store? Maybe we know them."
"Um. The LIQUOR STORE."
My lease says that I am not allowed to be drunk in my apartment. Now. I realise this is probably unconstitutional. But. I think my LL drew up this extensive, Byzantine lease just to satisfy N-Girl, who had complained of everyone and everything in the past. For example - kids on the porch. A couch on the porch. Etc. Then, the LL company also adding things like, "DO NOT USE SOFT TOILET PAPER".... ha ha ha - so, I told my future-LL, "WHAT ARE YA, A BUNCH OF FREAKIN NAZIs?!?!" ha ha - well, no way is my LL a NAZI - she rocks. This one's for you, kid.
Still, I don't need my LL knowing that I drink either to block out the N-People attacks, or else to celebriate* when they were out of town. But - I am sure she totally gets the how and why.
Well, I gets to the wine/beer store, and there is that guy who is from a town not far off from where Reagan was born, except I don't like him - and he is like 35 years old but looks 60. Little bald guy always wanting to refer back to his fabricated self-importance. The last time I talked to him, he mentioned writers, but didn't want to hear that I write. He wanted to tell me that he met some damn writer - in person!!! SO I had to tell him that Al Gore stared me straight in the eyes ha ha - wtf. Well, this time we talked, he seemed to see his error, and was much more commonly respectful.
But he is like some creepy nerd from some TV comedy show, who keeps NIBBING and NIBBING, and so I want to throw anything at him just to shut him up, and to get away from him. So, I ended up saying we need to be prepared for Yellowstone, and Ukraine WW3, and Fukushima and China. And he was talking about New Madrid, etc. Well, then in comes the nice old guy, who recognises me, and his daughter, and I just tell the NIB to insure his wine bottles if he's gonna have an earthquake. Pleasant, of course. Everybody leaves thinking they are my friends. I feel like fucking Gulliver being overrun by the Lilliputians. (See, "*madman101's misanthropy" below).
But, we did talk about his diabetes, and eye probs, etc. But, you know what, it takes too much energy out of me - or else I have a migraine that no one can factor - and I don't want to half any more half-conversations with people I half-like. I am sick of all the same-old same-old crap creeping in - the uniquely American crap ha ha - and I just don't want to be around people anymore - I just want to go back to Australia!
I was walking home. This store was clearing out - I wasn't sure if it was the computer-repair store. (I hope not). There was a dumpster in front of this place. I espied it, overly-filled, and saw a cute and useful translucent bin I could use - could fit in my sin, and so on - (in fact, right now, it is nursing grass-seed back to grass-seed sanity). So, I went over there and pulled it out. I also saw a little Atari bag - which - I love bags, and can find use for any of them! There were also tonnes of PLAYBOY magazines, so I took a few of those, wanting to appear as a man, which of course, I am not a man, a HA HA HA.....
BTW -This black guy was walking his dog down the highway and his dog wanted to turn back and look at me, as I sat in my doorway, repairing my dog's long leash. The guy says, "That's the man with the dog." I am the man with the dog, ha ha! I think I only recently obtained, "MAN," status after I yelled at N-Girl and sent waves of perturbation rolling through the hood. Most everyone, of course, knows that I am sweet and awesome, so, they actually prefer to now think of me as a strong man on the corner, eh, with the big dog. Cuz - I let out volume from HELL that day! Now more people say hi to me, and do more respectful things. IT IS COMPLETELY PATHETIC.
Society can be so backwards!
Well, back to the present: While I'm done w/ the dumpster, some older Cherokee SUV type is driving by, and this girl is sticking out the window and yelling at me:
"GET OUT OF THE DUMPSTER OR I AM GONG TO CALL THE POLICE!!!"
Um - eh - once again - a female. A coward. Doing the bidding in currency of cowards. I am telling you, there is a real problem here, and also in Ye Olde City, as expressed to me by none-other than the Commie Gardener, with trouble-[word-lost] females, who are relying on their males to back them up, (e.g., N-Girl), or are speeding away in an SUV, and so forth. Feel free to quote me on this, because I am about REALITY. The girls, in poor neighbourhoods, try to start the problems, that their guys may end up dying for. Same deal with NATIONAL WARS. MAKES ME FUCKING SICK!!!!!!!!!
Psychopaths. 50% of them? Male. 50% of them? Female. Why are we ignoring the other 50%?!?!?!
Egh. Like I said. Older baby boomer women seek me out and yell at me. I'm sure some of the males out there, bfs, have had the same experiences. Esp. if you unfortunately ROCK.
But, OK, now we're done with the genderics*.
(Ha - I just now squirted into my dog's ear a concoction I made to fight ear infection. He was rather difficult. But, slightly less so as the ordeal continued).
The main things is this: Here is someone - MERELY PASSING BY - who looks into a dumpster, and the person in the SUV gets an ego-boost by telling this person they will call the saviour COPS if this person doesn't stop! Now. How is this person in the SUV minding their own business? No - they are riding on the coat-tails of the COPS in order to boost their ego. And, I am sure that such people take advantage of any such pathetic opportunity whenever and wherever possible. SO - think of the poor homeless people diving into dumpsters, for dear life, being persecuted by such cowardly assholes - including females - who disgustingly align themselves with the so-called authority of the cops! IT TURNS MY STOMACH.
In all of the sustainable-living co-op houses which I have investigated, there is always a great sympathy, if not enthusiasm, for DUMPSTER DIVING - as a kind of new-age way to survive, and leave a light footprint. I am not so keen on it, because it is a dependent way to live - but I do like the whole recycling thing. So - I am neutral on it, but I myself would not make a career out of dumpster-diving. Yet, I do think that it is part of a whole new consciousness which has apparently not yet escaped the likes of Madison, Portland, Ashville, SF, and such!
So, I am smiling at this bitch riving away, and it strikes me as being so sadly the OPPOSITE of what is needed in this world, and in our cities. These dumpster things were headed for a landfill that would be consuming potential farm and home and business land, and putting pollutants into the water. Who needs that?!?! If you can reduce that - AS IS SUPPORTED VIA CITY RECYCLING PROGRAMMES - then support it? Even if it is a LOWLAND HOMELESS SCUMBUCKET ZOMBIE LEACH PERSON!
Instead, the oposite is happening. The "Urban Landfill" allows only asswipes who make themselves appear big by hiding beind the often-rogue men-in-blue. And - if this is the girl's way of socialising, or of flirting - then we are surely at a sad stage indeed.
Is dumpster-diving illegal? I was completely out in the open, apparent even to business owners. Cuz I was doing a formerly typical American thing - being industrial and progressive. How evil that it would have been made illegal, based on the whole primacy of PRIVATE PROPERTY - yet ANY TOM DICK OR SEE-EYE-AYE OR NETHER-FUCK CAN LOOK THROUGH MY OWN GARBAGE AND IT IS PERFECTLY LEGAL. Because: CORPORATIONS ARE SUPERHUMANS.
You may think that may posts are menial and irrelevant. But, no - no matter how badly I present this stuff - there is a lot going on in the world that we need to be aware of! I have forsaken career and love for writing and for CFS. These things I post to you are all I have for the world right now, and I expect you to do the most with WHATEVER you might POSSIBLY learn from them. If not - DROP ME. I love you people, but I am bleeding for you. You will suffer, trying to resist the crap. But possibly less than me. And you may gain very little here and there. But possibly more than me. Dudes. I have no idea what is around the corner and I could die tomorrow, I am telling you. I am bleeding for you. What I say about my own personal ego experiences - they are meant to REACH you. If I had my way, I would be living on Sumatra with the ghost of R.L.S.
I have seen people throw beer cans out of their car at me, in Ye Olde City, as I walked along the highway. I realise that Nothern Illinois is unwittingly the armpit of global depravity. But I still now that this crap is nation-wide. You KNOW you can relate to it. Reveal it. Write about it. Shove it back in its face. I have done so to the Nethers, even though I am supposedly branded as being Politically Incorrect for doing so. Injustice is Injustice - so wash all this other CNN and left/right crap out of your heead!
It's all upside-down, folks. This is all upside-down. You want to live with that? You want to live like that? Fine. Guess what kind of life is lurking around the corner, only 5 years from now. THIS IS AN EMERGENCY. You need to become your own network.
Granted, a lot of High-School people pull this bullshit. But I think that this rogue country is catering to the high-school mentality. The world has dumbed down about two dozen notches. And who would take advantage of that?
Huhhhhhhhh........ OK I have so much to write - so I will post this, and then cloister myself and write some more.
And so much more
These are topics each of you needs to be exploring rapaciously NOW. You have no idea how close we are to demise within 50 years. YOU WANT THAT??? Fear-mongering, wake up! What do you think caused your nose-bleed? Why do you think dolphins gathered en masse, in the Pacific, THOUSANDS upon THOUSANDS? WAKE UP. WAKE UP! It is time for LIBERALS TO WAKE UP AND SAY,"WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Do you realise that the USA government, for GOOD, is in negotiations with the governments of South Africa, Brazil, Argentina, and others, towards establishing emergency housing for American citizens, should Yellowstone blow, which is looking more and more likely everyday? And that is assuming that FUKUSHIMA is not some future problem.
God bless those in our government who know their ass from a spade in granola.
Huhhhhhhhh ... possibly the N-Car is back.........
omg - next time
The above is not a scientific blog at all. In fact, it will offer you tadbits of wifwom and scillintings of cherbels if you are so inclined - just bear forth yon brain through yes storm of boringly BS and ye and y'all frittings shall be freedlings, humph, humph!
* - "celebriate" and "genderics" and "retarditude" are all terms MINTED by yours truly - same for the now time-honoured term, "CO-INKY-DINK" - put it on my gravestone, because I created that word.
*madman101's misanthropy - I forgot what I was supposed to say here. SO OH BOY ANOTHER POST! - Oh, wait. The idea is this: The more I appreciate people, and the human condition, the more I inevitably despise those who are not working to allay the problems of poverty, ignorance, racism, bullshitism, etc., etc.
PS - The last place I want to move to is back to Ye Olde City. But, I I have to say, in honesty, I did exert some good influence there, which will continue on eternally, although it may die off perennially.
Seriously - I do acknowledge that I, and my family, have exerted positive, and also negative, influence on Ye Olde City, such that it even reaches out in political adds. You have no idea how big I was there, in many ways, or how big my friends were, YO! However, I think my influence is a little shy of that of, say, Cheap Trick.