["FEAR"]: Please note that I am not disabled by fear. Fear is not why I have retreated to the back room. I am back here for a number of reasons, to which I will refer in a upcoming entry. But, mainly, its this: Clearly having a non-flashback form of PTSD, which is worse during CFS/ anxiety spirals. It is agitated by SHARP NOISES, (as it is by N-HATE which I do not deserve). I am back here also for other very rational reasons. Also, when disabled, I am very often UNABLE to address any minute or pressing issues, due to a shut-down of the planning and associational parts of my brain. And boy, has my brain ever been shut down lately - to the point where it seemed intractable, and that death would occur, if I didn't somehow do something. If I am not in relapse, btw, I am fearless. I have always been fearless, but more-so now, when I know how deeply severe my suffering is, compared to the trivial nonsense passing for drama in a pathetic, dysfunctional society. How ironic for me, all this.
['PTSD']: More about the PTSD, (self-diagnosed): Sharp or loud noises, for me, during CFS or stressed time, (or brain being down with cognitive impairment or migraines), are not processed by my higher brain - they cut straight through to the limbic system, which jolts my heart and innards, (vegas nerve). (This shows a failure of proper ACh, serotonin, etc., "steps", being dysfunction due to the brain inflammation). If someone set a loud firecracker outside your room, even while you were relaxed, and not expecting or understanding such an imposition, you are suddenly jarred and, "frightened." But it is more of a nerves thing, than a psych thing. Soon, your brain may learn to be able to better predict and process future such incursions, whether via empathy, fear, anger, rationality, or whatever. But my brain fails at this kind of learning, whenever I am back in relapse. Why? My VPC, etc., being down, there is no predicting anything. Or, say your phone rings suddenly. You are protected from being startled cuz you have kind of learned to like the sound of your phone ringing. (Also, you may have a subconscious hunch that a certain person is about to call you). But, if you are frayed, (not necessarilly A-fraid), such as when you haven't slept in three days, or you are trying to avoid bill-collectors, then you may possibly jump a MILE when your phone rings. This may include a little more fear-processing, than the last example, but it is still the kind of startling of NERVES which hits me from ANY loud noise - but not because I am fearing anything in particular - it is more because my brain is not able to do the following, (so well): Predict; expect; geo-locate; explain; interpret; MUFFLE; filter-down; inhibit; regulate; designate; plan, etc. Instead, the same ancient neuro-pathways are raw, and triggered, and the effect is a great deal of arousal in all anxiety-related functions in my body. It is not necessarilly because I have been fearing anything in particular. Global anxiety exists as the predisposing condition. But not because I have LEARNT that these negative psycho-neuro-pathways should take command - it is more that the rest of my brain is not functioning positively, as it is overwhelmed by immunological chemicals, and related inflammation, and related a loss of proper neurotransmitter function, and possibly a brain congestion from a gunk-load of deformed prions, or (myelin sheath failure as well). This NEGATIVE excitation, (even if it involves endorphins in all the wrong places), is what leads to future CFS/ dementia/ anxiety spirals relapses. When sudden shocks, as via repetitive passive aggression from below, follow others successively, then the toll it takes on current 'health'(ill), and on future relapses, is CUMULATIVE. Just have CFS alone makes one predisposed from a cumulative downwards spiral over ANYTHING, especially including merely ONE sudden loud or sharp noise! HATE, as from below, especially if it undeserved, is also predisposing towards a cumulative spiral. Why? Because it cannot be understood well, and it suggests that there can be unanticipated shocks possibly coming within one's already uncertain environment. It also tends to undo whatever confidence and control one had put into extending one's hand in friendliness, or making efforts to be super-respectful or quiet or cooperative, all of which, therefore, increase unpredictability, and further EXTERNALISES ONE'S LOCUS OF CONTROL, making one much more vulnerable, and also more aware of increased vulnerability. It becomes a great anathema to one's struggling efforts to recover from any relapse. Continuing stress, of course, leads towards declining health.
Uh... Let's get Nethers out of the way first... Very soon after I retreated back here, 15 minutes ago, some N-Person was inspired to come back in this direction downstairs, and fritter and creep about. As usual). The main thing about the Nethers is this: After a long dry period, the Nethers had an ongoing fight all day yesterday. (I can explain how I fit into the politics of this - why it happened - in an upcoming post). Remember when I said that N-Girl and her manipulations had basically been responsible for landing N-Guy in jail, (for speeding on a suspended license), fuming over a argument, most likely, (probably about moi)? I used to keep in me back pocket - my nether pocket - the following barb, ready to present to an angry N-Guy, should-ever it be necessary: "Are you going to let her land you in jail again?" Well... I never SAID that. (But I did THINK it, yo, yo). And, well... During their argument yesterday, N-Guy shouted at her, "Your lies put in #### JAIL! Your lies put in #### JAIL!" Hahhh... This, to me, smelled like fresh mowed lawn in the Spring-time. Not because I was proved, "right," but because it now meant that I could relax on being PERFECTLY SILENT ALL THE TIME. Cuz ever time I would accidentally bump something, or my dog would shake his fur, then that would raise the ire of N-Girl - but also her puppet, N-GUY, (plus the n-dog). But, now, she has to tone down her reactive paranoia - her constant vigil (smoking) over the voices in her head, which she projects on me. Previously, she had full reign of then pointing and blaming and hating on me, goading N-GUY into the same game. But now, he is cynical of this again... But, just because they fought does not mean they will break up. This will only be another clear spot in an otherwise troublesome sky.
Also, yesterday, ~3:pm, after I came in w/ dog, (quietly), her dog was running around insanely down near my stairs, downstairs, which she often does as part of the whole passive-aggressive package, (she has been a little inhibitted from doing the tapping/banging stuff, ever since I humiliated her by responding to the banging with this, "Come IN!" Well, this time, with her dog banging and scraping around, (and after I had walked down w/ my dog to see if there was a dog actually ON MY PORCH outside), N-Girl shouted loudly, "Move!!" Hmmm...
Maybe she was yelling at her dog, to get out of the way. Maybe the whole thing was just her recently-pumped-up-and-over-excitable dog going crazy over my dog. But after all of the crap coming from down there, including knocking and tapping, etc., it is more likely to be another instance of the passive aggression pattern. I don't know if my LL ever told N-Girl that I had recently told her that I am thinking about MOVING - if so, she shouldn't have, but that's fine. If this yell of, "MOVE!!", was indeed intended towards me,
Also - note the timing: Pre-holiday, (check-mark); full moon, (check-mark); LL is away for weekend, (check-mark) ... Nothing I know of in the NEWS about any racial issue, (but this episode might be continuing from the more recent two news events). Ironically, at a time when all the sardine-packed neighbours are out blasting their stereos; riding their unmufflered motorcycles; shouting and trespassing - N-Girl may be getting stressed out by all this, but she continues to have the focus on me. I am the problem. Story of my life. I need not document why this is not me being paranoid, in this brief post, and is rather related to HER paranoia. (A little tired of having to do this over and over again anyway). But, if she did yell, "Move!!", at ME, then it's like she is meaning to align herself with the other neighbours who are agitating her w/ their noise, at least via the imaginations in her head. (So, perhaps this may be a kind of manufactured "issue of race in the news")? This relates to the next paragraph. In any event, I suppose I should feel thankful. If she ever did unconsciously mean to KILL me, with her relentlessly, absolutist, OCD assault, blaming the victim, AT LEAST NOW SHE HAS TURNED HER ATTENTION TO SIMPLY FORCING ME TO MOVE OUT. I'd call that great progress, wouldn't you?
Remember that quiet little raid on the two apartments in the house next door? (It apparently yielded nothing). I brashly speculated in my LJ that perhaps it had been instigated by a facile call to the police from N-Girl. And, as time goes by, and I become a wise guy, the thought that N-Girl might deliberately set people up doesn't seem so radical now, does it? "Your lies put me in JAIL!" She compells her dog to consume her anger and bark at the ceiling, or run around like a four legged tool. She called our LL and then told me to get on the stick and call the LL back, cuz the LL was leaving messages in my voice-mail - which was not so much a LIE as a delusion which she both generated and believed. She is stuck in her own head, and likes to set up other people inside there, yalp. Who knows how many neighbours have passed through my current apartment, like ghosts, once fully eviscerated by N-Girl's crazy schemes and exterminations-through-noisiness? Who knows if she set up her bf to shoot off a gun, to buy a second dog, to mess with my head, etc., to try to scare me? Very probably, she did. Who knows if she goaded N-Guy into ripping those security cameras off the house next door cuz, "the fag guy is WATCHING!" She definitely convinced N-Guy that my dog was an evil terror to FEAR, and prevail against, for over a year now... Who knows why she left wallets on my porch, or a glass custard bowl on my porch, for me to collect the shell casing lying there. Who knows if she left the shell casing itself? Probably, she did. And so on.
So, today, I'm out with my dog, and I see a little round thing next to a bush where I am always facing, and behind which my dog often does his dog stuff. Near where someone had looked in under my porch, where I keep the air-tight bag of dog shit temporarilly. Well, this little round thing looks like maybe it is an easter egg, for the children to find tomorrow - hey? Whatever. I look closer and no, it is a rounded little plastic bag, about the size and shape of an egg. Inside the bag? Apparently marijuana. (And a little piece of cardboard). So, wtf. At first, I put it in my pocket, to process it inside my lair, later. But, soon enough, I just toss it away into the street gutter. Why did I do that. Because someone might have been trying to set me up. FOR A CALL TO THE DRUG POLICE, JUST LIKE WHAT HAPPENED TO THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR. They find the pot inside, I go to jail, I end up moving out. Clear enough? Or - maybe one of the kids finds it in their Easter-egg Hunt, which maybe they don't do, who knows... And they read the little piece of cardboard, and maybe that has my name or address on it, hey? So, yeah.
The interesting things about this little set-up, if that's what it was: It comes so very soon after the N-Argument yesterday, it is amazing the scheme could have been thought up so fast, and under emotional conditions! Or - perhaps they had already kissed and made-up, and so N-GUY himself was back out there, planting the bait by the bush HIMSELF! And, the idea of making it look like an egg - to be possibly found by kids? Ingenious, if true, and, again, on such short notice. Strategically placed to be seen by me, as well! It's all too expert, i.e. evil, that it is more tempting to assume some other explanation, like, some passer-by just threw it there, for who-knows-why, and/or it never contained marijuana. I'm certainly open to THAT possibility!! I'm certainly tired of having to deal with passive-aggression 24/7. So. But, here's an alternate possibility...
Maybe it was a set-up, but as pay-back from the people next door, who suspected that I was the one who called the cops on them, since I am white, and a loner. And I'm nice but I try not to talk cuz most times I talk all these migraines spill out of my mouth... Hmmm...??? Well, in fact, the downstairs fellow next door, whom I think is fairly OK, actually yelled, "Hi," to me today. But when I said, "Happy Easter," he didn't any anything back. This suggests that he had immense pity for me and my loneliness, or else he was feeling a bite of guilt at his teabags, which sent him into cowering distraction, as so often is the result of my abundant accidentally and sarcastically RIGHT-ON-THE-MARK comments, which banish humans from my field of vision so quickly and effortlessly, and which I am sure will also remain effective even as I am being lowered into the grave. I have no idea why I have this ironic power. It seems like it is 100% bestowed on me my noting else than society's own disingenuousness. Power, my ass... Well, I won't go off on a tangent on this... The thing is, I actually don't think this guy was guilty. I think he just doesn't know how to talk, like everyone else around here, unless its about pit-bulls, casinos, and white assholes - all of whom are referred to as, "mother-fuckers." Instead, I am thinking that this nice, generally friendly guy stepped forth and openly yelled, "Hi!" because he had heard the Nethers arguing yesterday, and realised that it was N-Girl, (and not I), with her lies and manipulations, who was the evil element on the corner, and who likely had been the one who had called in the complaint against his house, and all its innocent-bystander potted-plants inside, bless their sorry souls. So, N-Girl remains THE suspect - IF this WAS any kind of set-up.
What this means is that I need to contact the police sooner, so they can also find the bag before it washes down the sewer. I do SOooo hope it contains pot. That could warrant a criminal investigation. But, do I really want to get that going when the Supreme Court has its AFFIRMATIVE ACTION decision coming up in June?! What a pain in the ass this all is. [Going to bed now. Sat. night 1:30am].
Oh hey wait lookie here... This little marijuana egg present... Um, this is probably a SHEER coincidence, but doesn't this weird incident, (or non-incident), harken back to when I found the egg-in-plastic at the front of my walk? Prophesying an Evil Easter?!... Don't just imagine! Read the post: - Oh, who knows. It's all just nonsense which I am obliged to record for various mundane, life-or-death reasons.
Speaking of food, I had been planning on maybe doing another order of Mexican food, for another $25. Mainly the same meals I ordered last time. An I was planning out how I was going to do this, arrange things, sneank most of the food by the dog, etc., so the dog wouldn't go crazy pathetic and ruin my whole day again. I was all ready to go, but then came more N-Noises or something, and I slid back into that dementia CFS relapse of a few days, ago. Plus, the last time I made this order, about two weeks ago, I thnk I came down with some serious illness due to the gluten in it. So, Nethers and Gluten prevented ts plan from taking effect, Friday, and then on Saturday. In the mean time, I called a gluten-free bakery, and also a woman in town who makes gluten free meals! I also made my Azure order, which was expensive, and not really fun. But the main thing is that 25 pounds of sunflower seeds will soon be on their way to my rescue. And, I am feeling keen on ordering 16 meals from the GF meals lady, instead of another dangerous Mexican food order. The 16 meals would be 8 of one type, and 8 of another. Then I would squeeze the eight of one into just 4 boxes, and then squeeze 8 of the other type into 4 boxes. Then I'd deal with eating and/or secreting away one of the boxed double-meals. That would leave me 7 total boxed meals which I would squeeze into my fridge and freezer. The benefit of doing all this is that it brings the price down to a total of about $45 or so. I am hoping there is free delivery on these "family" meals, as there is on the "individual" meals. I am also going to see if the lady, (who said she enjoyed talking with me), might also include a 5-pound bag of fresh carrots, just for my veggie needs. The big problem about her GF meals is that they are all MEAT; many of them are not LOW GLYCEMIC, containing potatoes, etc.; most do not include nutritious veggies for s**t; not even the corn is non-GMO, and nothing is organic or, "Certified Naturally Grown." So - we have a lot of work ahead of us. I'm going to ask her if she wants to turn this into a very large business - cuz I ca help her do that, and all I'd ask would be one free meal per day, plus a bone.
That's all for now. This post began with the intention of being teenie tiny, as part of a teenie tiny list of other topics. It has become its own monster, now, which I am posting separately, out of respect for people who use my tags.
The Nethers have quieted down, for the most part. Last night, N-Girl apparently blasted her stereo but not severely - although, I am not 100% sure of this, since I was secluded in the back room at the time, and didn't care to investigate. This early morning, while I was out with my dog, N-Girl was staring again at her door. So, only after ONE DAY, here it is starting again.
Oh - also - something else significant also happened in the hood lately, which I haven't had time to go into yet, but, check back with me won't you? As the world turns.
After a bitter quarrel, some resentment must remain.
What can one do about it?
Therefore the sage keeps his half of the bargain
But does not exact his due.
A man of Virtue performs his part,
But a man without Virtue requires others to fulfill their obligations.
The Tao of heaven is impartial.
It stays with good men all the time.
when an argument is settled,
feelings of resentment still remain
on either side.
What's the point of carrying a grudge?
The Masters care
about what they owe other people,
not what other people owe them.
People who are in touch with Tao
do their duty.
People who aren't
try to force others into submission.
Tao doesn't play favorites.
But if you do right by Tao,
Tao will do right by you.
Tao Teh Ching - The first version is from the Fortune files. The second version is the Beatrice Tao.
79.1 When you harmonize bitter enemies,
yet resentment is sure to linger,
how can this be called good?
79.2 Therefore sages keep their faith
and do not pressure others.
79.3 So the virtuous see to their promises,
while the virtueless look after precedents.
79.4 The Way of heaven is impersonal;
it is always with good people.
Tao Teh Ching - Cleary Translation