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Or just one of those rare occasions when identity politics actually calculates out into a non-counterproductive agreement?

It's nice to finally be able to say I have some "renewed" hope for the Catholic Church, such as it is. Since I don't know the new-chosen Pope PERSONALLY, I can't say with scientific certainty whether he rocks or not, but many of the SIGNS indicate that indeed, yes, the Pope rocks. "Pape petri est!" Or however those dumbfuck Romans spoke. Maybe I just swore right there.



First of all, putting aside the fact that the idea of having a divine POPE, just to hold together a massive bureaucracy and a multitude of followers, (the greater part of whom are hypocritical jerkwads most of the time, at least over here in America), is a unfortunate and perverse idea to begin with... I will say that, as long as there is going to be a Pope, then this one looks hot. And, so, let me elabourate on that, won't you?...

As usual, the Pope has a penis. This cannot be denied. I had a penis once but I never got farther than penance in the pews, after falling out of the confessional box. The priest in there had stinky socks and he had had a few drinky drinky, but at least he was warm. However, just because the Pope has a penis, and more than half the world's population does not, is not a fair reason to jump to the conclusion that this new guy is another pedophile. In fact, he very possibly isn't.

One thing I regret is that this guy is not a bit younger - because there is so much facing the Church, that he doesn't have enough time to deal with it all. And, so, he may end up dying even earlier than expected, and soon become regarded as never actually having had existed, compared to the millions of other Popes out there. This is not something that a penis-holder appreciates. Being so soon forgotten, after really putting oneself out there.

But, alas, the workload may get to him. And if THAT doesn't, then the New World Order banksters will. Anyway, to continue my studious analysis, the one good thing about this Pope being somewhat older is that this greatly reduces the possibility that he may be a pedophile. And, at least in MY book, "The Book of Me", that does indeed rock, and I praise the heavens above. I am so funny.

Next, the Pope is not one of the leading contenders. Now, this is where I introduce all my warped speculations on behind-the-scenes politics... First of all, I simply and completely agree that it is possible that this choice was made by sincere and good and wise Cardinals seeking to do the best and most spiritual thing, as moved by the goodness in the universe. Don't underestimate that I do believe that is possible - just as I believe that I shall one day triumph over Nether Girl, the Great Satan.

But, since they locked me out of the Sistine Chapel, and indeed do have an order of protection out for me, it is tempting to speculate on wtf happened in there to actually produce a brand new baby Pope who actually doesn't appear to be Damien the Second.

Well, maybe one thing that might have happened was this: Maybe, for some reason, most or all of the leading contenders stepped aside, or were asked to step aside, and said, "OK. Dudes. Cards. If we aren't gonna choose ME, then at least choose someone who is... [______________]."

And so, the first little bear said, "Well, OK - you're not choosing someone from the USA - let's at least get someone from the Western Hemisphere."

And, another one said, "I agree. We may not be choosing a black Pope to represent Africa - at least put in a Pope to represent South America."

And, another one said, "OK - we're not choosing me, from Milan - so at least choose some Italian, even if he's overseas! Foo on all this German, Poland stuff!"

And, another one said, "OK. OK. No one from the NAZI New World Order - but let's at least put in some guy where all the NAZI's live, Argentina!"

Well, maybe that happened, like the compromises which so often happens in the U.S. Congress. I'd like to think that the REAL Barack Obama got through, in making a call to the Pope, some time back, and said, "Here's what I really really want!"... and then he proceeded to say he really wasn't pro-New-World-Order, or pro-U.S.Military-in-Africa, etc., but he really just wanted someone to help the poor, esp. this Argentine guy! Maybe Pope Ratz obliged, or maybe he chose on his own, by stepping down early, so that the NWO, and our military, and Rahm Emanuel, wouldn't have time to twist ears and force in some anti-christ puppet. Maybe that is why the BIG BIRD was seen flying away from the Chapel's chimney!

However, this new Pope, (who's name sounds suspiciously like a notorious dead Chicago politician named Ed Verdoliac), is Pope number 266. Not quite 666, but you never know. Ya gotta be on your guard when it comes to Popes, I always say, all tucked away in this nice room full of mattresses. AND. Pope Francis the One may SEEM like a fun choice for Pope where even poor people get ice cream but YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW. Pope "F" may turn out to be a Pope "WTF?!" - a stealth Pope. Under the radar. Like a drone. Dressed in a monk's tunic.

Yes, as old as he is, he doesn't have much time to swing like an Anti-Christ, but Popes are immortal unless they decide otherwise. And even though we might expect someone Like Big Bird or Chris Christy to get in as Pope Anti-Christ, if that were ever going to happen, it is still possible that THIS POPE is really, finally, the authentic Anti-Christ.

And, the whole point of all this is that it doesn't matter whatsoever because the whole 666 "Anti-Christ" thing has been some perverse fabrication having nothing to do with anything, except perhaps broccoli going "bimp" in the night, signifying nothing. Pope, but no cigar.

Oh - another political thing... It was not, apparently, after all, some progressive move, or so clean a freakish identity-politics decision, as pondered above. No. Apparently, Pope F had been the first runner up in the previous Pope contest of 8 years ago, which ended up putting in the Ratz. guy. So, whatever the reason why this new guy had been the runner-up last time around, well - the decision THIS time around was, like, predictably conservative, "OK. Well. Who was the runner-up last time? Let's put HIM in. OK? Now. What happened to the Merlot?" BUT, if they really intended this new guy to be Anti-Christ, well, they really screwed up last time around. So. This is evidence that Pope F may NOT be the Anti-Christ.

The Neo-Pape is from ARGENTINA! I see this as a good thing. In these times when the world, i.e., Europe, is falling apart much as Argentina once did, it is nice to have a Pope who has ACTIVELY AND PRODUCTIVELY WORKED FOR THE POOR, down there in old Gaucho Land. Unfortunately, RUMOURS PROVE: that the Pope's father, who immigrated from Italy, actually supported the big U.S.-backed military coup down there in the 1970's, in Argentina, where all the NAZI's live. And, I guess this Pape-de-Pape was a Jesuit, just like our brand-spanking-new Pope Francis is - a Jesuit.

And, Pope F may seem great, supporting the poor and all - which was something the last Pope also did somewhat - but he does NOT support Liberation Theology. Liberation Theology is the radical left's version of extraterrestrial MORMONISM [sic], except that, whereas Mormons worship GLUTEN, and mine it in outer space, Liberation Theologists worship peace, since they spend all their time getting assassinated, which increases their membership wildly - beyond belief, in fact.

I firmly believe that if it were not for Liberation Theology, we would never have had Santa Claus, and I would not have gotten my first shortwave radio for xmas - and thus I would never have gone on to listen to Alex Jones later in life, eventually requiring surgery.

No, but seriously, Argentina is probably a good place for the Pope to be from. More than 1/3 of the world's Catholics are in South America; and, although grappling with changes due to global warming, Argentina is in a region which is safer than any, when it comes to surviving the coming global nuclear war and economic collapse, the latter of which, coincidentally, shall also be called, "Francis," for some reason.

The Pope's new name is FRANCIS! How can you hate anyone who's name is Francis, unless you are talking about one of my relatives, who happens to be the Angel of Death, which I consider to be a tad Apocalyptic, but... When I heard that the Pope's name was FRANCIS, I immediately thought of one of the greatest Catholics of all time, SAINT FRANCIS OF ASSISI! Good Old Saint Frank was the original Doctor Doolittle, who defied conventionalists and slipped off into the woods like Thoreau, and lived a humble life EVEN THOUGH HE DIDN'T HAVE TO. He wrote, "An Ode to Brother Sun", and inspired the creation of the wonderful Catholic Order, "The Order of a Bunch of Francises," with love and condiments.

Seriously, this is a very respectable order. Unfortunately, Pope F was not named after Saint Francis of Assisi, but, instead, after SAINT FRANCIS XAVIER - a JESUIT.

That's right. The Pope does not live in the woods. But, one can dream.

Now, (on the other hand, I seem to know that either the order of the Jesuits were put into power to save the Church from the corruption of the Franciscans, or it was the other way around. I completely forget. And, I like to think that this was part of God's plan for me.

The Pope is mild-mannered! Well, I think this is very good, even if he is not a follower of Francis of Assisi. It always helps to have good manners. They will take you very far in life. And, they bespeak humility and compassion, and empathy for other mild-mannered people who get bullied. So, the Pope is kinda like Clark Kent. And, when people actually notice him, everybody seems to love him. But, Harry Reid is also mild-mannered. And so was Mother Teresa. And they had four heads between them.

Let's get back to the fact that Pope F is a Jesuit! Well, it's true. Now, most all my life, I have loved the Jesuits, until I found out that they travelled to Minnesota way before America was ever discovered by everyone else, who happened NOT to be space aliens. There, they left great Jesuit carvings in rocks and stuff. And I said, "Huh?"

So, it turns out that some people say that the Jesuits are an extension of the Knights Templar or something, and that they continue to rule the world. Well, I don't know. I only have one life, and I can only deal with about ONE religious conspiracy theory per lifetime. I really WANT to believe that Jesuits were, and are, really true hands-on scholars who have special self-discipline and wisdom and kinda look like that guy on the Animal show on the TV machine - what's his name? - somebody "Corvin" or something? Jeff Corbit?

Yes. He should play a Jesuit in some movie. I should write a script for that. But I really have to order dog food online and so on. Anyway, the Jesuits theoretically rock big time, but may also be infested with NAZI's, so I suggest you watch your wallet.

The sad fact is, the Pope may not be the Anti-Christ, but he is a Homo-Phobe, which may be just as bad. This is the bad, or "back", side of the new Pope. He thinks gays are nice but also abominations. Well, that reminds me of a lot of outspoken GOPpers, who end up being gay abominations up to their necks in corruption and massage oil.

Maybe Pope F's purpose on God's pink Earth is to rid the Church of corruption, or maybe it is to spout a campaign for heavenly egress, where a lot is said about bad gays everywhere, especially in heathen America, where I think it's against the law not to be gay or something but I don't know because I don't have sex. Someone please let me know about this. What exactly IS sex? Etc...

Anyway, being an expert on these things, I say we need to watch this shifty character because, as I said, the Pope has a penis, and you can never tell with those things. One minute they're up, then they're down. That's life, I guess. But, mostly they're down. Pointing to HELL. Very seldom do you see a penis looking up into the sky and, say, asking for forgiveness or divine wisdom. If my penis ever did that I'd smack him one very hard. And I mean it. Several times. I don't take no guff. And don't give me your lip either.

SYMBOLISM! Yay! We finally get to the fun part of the analysis! Symbolism! Well, we do know a few symbolic things here. We know that a bolt of lighting hit the top of Saint Peters after the previous Pope, the Ratz guy, said he was stepping down. We have the media to thank for selecting this salient, meaningful event for our superstitious minds.

We don't know what that lightning meant, except that God was probably trying to kick the Cardinals in the ass, to move them towards making a good decision - or else it meant the world was ending. (By, "world," I mean, "The Catholic Church and all its tentacles of guilt and iconography, etc.")

We also know that sinkholes are opening up and swallowing banksters and people related to George Bush. These are facts. You cannot argue with me. But the biggest symbol of all was: The giant bird creature that was scared away from the chimney of the Sistine Chapel, when the divine papal fart of white smoke was released! Was this, as some have said, actually Moth-Man, returning to save us?

Maybe it was a sign that the next Pope would be someone similar to SAINT FRANCIS OF ASSISI, the great lover of animals, (as opposed to young boys). (ha ha - I just said that cuz it's funny. I don't think Popes are pedophiles. I have never actually slept with a Pope, I should add).

On the other hand, if you look at a lot of Romantic and older paintings, there is often some big dark bird sitting painted in a corner, brooding and foreboding about something ominous coming this way. Birds, like their relatives, cougars, are symbols of approaching danger.

Therefore, it is easy to conclude that the giant bird creature atop the chimney of the Sistine Chapel very probably was a sign that some danger was coming, namely, the danger of getting its ass burnt by upcoming smoke if it didn't fly out of there pretty darned quick, as foretold in the Bible.

And, this: Vultures have been gathering, like capitalists, in New York, following Hurricane Sandy. By extension, if this was ALSO a vulture, on top of the chimney, on the Chapel, you can imagine how bad that could be. It would probably mean something pretty bad. I don't like vultures. I know some people like that.

Or - putting all the bird symbolism aside, maybe all that was happening was that the bird either wanted warmth, or was spying on the Cardinals for some kind of extraterrestrial spy ring, preparing for the invasion.

As we all know, birds are really very smart. And, it seems, they have a psychic sense, in addition to smarts, which is comparable to that of cats, their cousins. Especially cougars. (That is why many women have often been referred to as, "birds," or, "cougars").

Well, just suppose that this giant birdlike creature had a sense that something REALLY IMPORTANT WAS GOING ON BELOW. Like any bird, it would naturally flock to the chimney. That's how birds act, and that is why they end up in paintings, and some birds have been taught to paint, but not a lot of them are gay.

Some birds are actually the spirits of dead Kennedys but we are straying into completely different territory now, so please stop distracting me.

Anyway, birds are smarter than us all and I think they run a gambling ring and this guy on the chimney was only looking for results and he was then going to Tweet it back to the boys in the office. I wouldn't doubt this because birds really have their shit together. Literally.

In fact, of all of God's great creatures, it is clearly birds who have the most efficient sewage systems, much to our chagrin.

Many Popes look like birds, with long Beaker-like noses only found in a certain area of Spain. This is because most of them are related to the great Neandertals, with their wiley ways.

One other major bit of symbolism which we have so far been peering at nervously from the corners of our eyes is in the form of CROP CIRCLES. Could crop circles actually have predicted this Pope?

Yes, they could have, by a long-shot, but not impossible. I am mainly referring to the five-pointed star etched into a field in Sicily, land of the Mafia and the active Mount Etna, where Vikings once ate herring alongside the Queen of Sheba. This star, which represents the Devil's PENTAGRAM, (when set against Italy as its base), was etched into crops on May 5, 2012. What is May 5? Cinco de Mayo!!!

This date suggests that the next Pope was destined to emerge from somewhere in South America, or from Latin America, or from the South Side, and would also possibly be the Devil.

After all the frozen heads being set to the Vatican, urging the Cardinals to think like robotified insects in the name of our great Big Oil future, it turns out that the divine voice of God had it right when he signed on to the May 5 crop circle, although the whole devil part is still up in the air, as far as I gather. I guess some things we just have to figure out for ourselves.

In conclusion, I'd say that this Pope has something to do with drones, but I don't know why I feel this way.

In all fairness, I believe that the choosing of this Pope can also be viewed as an honourable and profound event - certainly regal - and that a good decision has been attempted, if not actually made, and that all Catholics have a right to celebrate this event, without having outcasts like me coming in with all this ridiculous profanity and trying to spoil it for everyone. Rest assured, I have long been pre-damned to Hell and so you have nothing to worry about but, boy, you guys, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone. Bless you. Bless you. My compliments to the tailor.

Seriously, I deeply hope this bodes better for our future. It is the rich-poor issue that is most important for humans. It is the poor, of each and all minorities, who are always made to suffer the most. What do gay rights mean when you have to walk 10 miles for water, but then are killed along the way - for being GAY WHILE POOR? My best wishes for success to this Pope.

http://knightstemplar.com
http://pryoryofscion.com
"in god's name" - 1977 pro-poor pope killed cuz, well, he was pro-poor(?)

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