A recent study has added to growing evidence that American Republicans are an alien species trapped in an alternate universe, which somehow coincides with the here and now. Eleven scientists at the Max Polar Research Institute in Moscow, an independent think tank, has concluded that Republicans have been visitting this planet for at least 50 years, unaware that they have wandered off from their own universe, somehow. This adds to mounting evidence that Republicans are so different from modern-day humans, vastly skewing demographic curves in negative directions, that they must have once drifted off from human evolution so far that they became suspended in an alternate universe which sometimes is visible within our own, but which has no meaningful impact on it.
Often, Republicans can be seen wandering about like ghosts, talking to unknown audiences about abortions and Kenyans, unaware that no one here understands them. They seem to be running for political office in a world that time forgot, and people actually reelect them into vast, trickle-down, "mandates," where only milky mosquito-infested swamps or abandoned convention halls may lay. Every four years, the great northern queen Republican, Auntie Palin, descends from the sky, waving at traffic and attempting to recruit signatures for GOP pig roasts, while military aircraft circles, curious about this elusive, glow-in-the-dark visitor.
Scientists theorise that most Republicans died out, but that a few branched off into an alternate universe where the Earth has been renamed, "Planet Reagan," where they spend their lives constantly running for reelection, completely unaware that they are sometimes visible and audible on our evolved Planet Earth, or that nobody here is voting for them, even if they do see them. It is unknown if there are residents on Planet Reagan actually voting them into office, (on that alternate planet), but most feel that these Republicans are in fact in a state of perpetual, suspended animation - in their own chosen heaven, where, as if in Hell, they are doomed to run for the same offices over and over again, repeating the same talking points, like, "But first we have to get ENTITLEMENTS under control!"
Occasionally, an idle farm-boy will shoot a BB gun at one of these forlorn apparitions and it will disappear, shouting, "I suddenly changed my mind about GUNS!" And the boy will hit a cop or something and cause an uproar, but this is generally as close as it comes to anything being called a political, "victory," for any of these phantom statesmen, here on our big blue, visionary, green-energy planet, where acceptance of the fact that man caused global warming quickly enabled humanity to solve the whole climate change crisis and grow corn on the moon, where Republicans have also been spotted, chiming, "We are children of the corn, one day, we shall return - or was that, 'The Boys from Brazil?'..."
It is also thought that GOP DNA took an odd, paranormal turn so distinct that Republicans quickly transformed into a race of lizard people, simultaneously denouncing the Theory of Evolution and, of course, homosexuality in everything from modern dance to French semantics. Consequently, they do indeed look like lizards or else like grey little old men with buggy eyes and no genitalia. "We have an AGENDA. That is all the genitalia we need, thank you," said an unofficial Gargoyle-like spokesman, "And I demand another 6,000 more years to make more babies - plus another recount." These little, "lizard men," are often spotted flying about in their spaceships near Exelon facilities, or any place where money tends to condense, or gush out of the ground. Oddly, during great military battles and bloodshed, Republicans have often been seen flying around, snooping, nibbling on Godfather's pizza, and playing, "Hangman," now known to be the prehistoric forerunner of today's modern electoral ballot system.
One may ask, if these apparitions have such simple, lizard like brains, then how did they build such futuristic aircraft? The answer is very simple. They do not so much travel in flying saucers as they are tossed through the skies by God, who is playing frisbee, and having a good laugh at their expense. When these, "frisbee-craft," do crash to earth, out come the Republicans, torturing cattle with their lasers, tying dogs and cats to their roofs, playing cards with Bigfoot, and spreading lots and lots of radiation wherever possible. Radiation seems to be their only enduring legacy. Otherwise, they walk right through people, tweaking noobies and passing gas, (in a manner reminiscent of Goonies, another extinct accident of a species), getting all high and mighty about everything, while, most of the time, nobody even sees them or hears them and it is really rather sad in a ghastly, queazy way: To know that they are everywhere amongst us, leaving traces and negative TV ads, trying to suck the lifeblood out of our economy, believing themselves winning and superior in every way, laughing and laughing all the way to the banks, when in fact they are lost, forgotten vestiges of what once was called, "Supply Side Economics." But shiver not, and be not of creeped-out duodenum, for they are not of this world. They are, perhaps, bits of poorly digested broccoli, or some nagging disagreement with your brother-in-law, what, three years ago now, was it? Let them not haunt your dreams or Holiday Cheer, and let's all just settle down, sit back, eat some popcorn, and watch them all file away out of our lives and our television sets, right off the Fiscal Cliff of their own invention... Devolution. Been there. Dealt with that...
They are like unto mass-manufactured hamburgers or ever-degrading plastic bags in the middle of the Pacific ocean. They never seem to get the hint as to when to leave, and decompose. But, for posterity, if you want a well-preserved, nicely plasticised planet, well then, keep voting for them. Join them, if you will. Some assembly required. Brains sold separately. May cause drowsiness. And, here's their greatest campaign slogan, "Void where prohibitted." License required. No turning back. Must be under supervision of an adult. 30 virgins optional.