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Why Conspiracies Happen - Part 1.

Two mega-fauna, sitting at a camp.

"I hear that these man creatures have spears and arrows and are hunting us to extinction."

"Don't be such a sheep. We've got big teeth and have been around forever. There are so many of us. No creature would be so cruel as to exterminate an entire species."

Two native Americans, sitting at a camp.

"Have another buffalo wing?"

"Why are we sitting on these hot rocks, away in the desert?"

"I don't know I kinda thought we'd do something different this year. I kinda like the scenery. Look at those haunting mega-fauna skulls over there. That big one reminds me of Grandpa Laughing Stock."

"I don't think that's why. I think you do the Big Lie thingie. I think those city man creatures ran us off our land."

"Oh, don't be such a square. Look at this fine whiskey they gave us, which we have no natural defense against, and which leave us eternally happy and retarded."

"I hear they come after us and actually cut off the top of our heads. That's the only piece they want. They take that home and probably use it like some kind of aphrodisiac - you know, like elephant tusk and tiger manhood."

"What? You talking crazy talk. Where do you hear this stuff? You've got too much time on your hands. You need to spend more time going to Red Man Church, scalding yourself and making repentant popcorn."

"I hear that they come in and turn the buffalo fields into an infinite patchwork of grass-fields, which they eat. They kill all the animals, from moose to mouse, and hang their herbs about the house, and fill the farm with ruminant cattle, which they grind into burgers they take into battle."

"You seem so rife with reservations. Stick to your own, the Indian Nations. Don't worry about the mad man's spree. And neither a borrower nor a lender be."

"Fuck that shit, baby."

"Seriously, you need to get a life. I always knew there was something strange with you. Ever since you were a spring chicken, (which, btw, originated in the Far East. Thank god for NAFTA). I am going to go right down to the schoolyard and besmearch your name, and maybe make some wampum, in so doing. Nothing personal).

"I think you, and all the others, need to listen to meh! These ghost people are taking over the land. The are killing us with their Devil Water and their scalpings, which they learnt from that damned other Indian tribe, I don't know, the Moccasins or something."

"You're talkin like a damn fool boy, eat your grits."

"No, really! I'm NOT CRAZY! They are all swarming over here with their little bunned hair and their special medallions and their topical creams, and before you know it, we are all going to go the way of those mega-fauna skulls over there. Actually, I think the big one looks more like Xavier Cougat. I had a dream that they made us build great alters to their wampum, filled with machines with pictures of fruit. There was no more real fruit in all the land!"

"I'm reporting you to the Dream Police."

"I heard another tribe has been dying from the magical blankets they gave them, purportedly as official peace offerings! And their peanuts give me allergies!"

"I'm not listening to this nah nah nah nah, hey hey, goodbye."

"One day, they will have machines bigger than mega-fauna, which eat up the rocks and stones; and terrible plagues called Justin Beiber and Miley Cyrus, and they will tax everyone, especially the worshippers of tobacco!"

"You are a crazy conspiracy theorist!"

"And they will inject water into the Earth, and great quakes shall follow!"

"Crazy!"

"And their smoke signals will be so evil that they will warm the entire Earth, and much land will turn into desert, and the creatures of the seas will be reduced by tenfold, as foretold in their bible!"

"What - you mean they are supposedly doing these tings ON PURPOSE?!"

"Yes! Yes! Or - it's just how they are! They are filled with the logics of death. They can't say one thing without doing another. All because they love only one thing, leaves of paper which they call money! Because of that, every last one of them is in CONSPIRACY!"

"Police!"

"It's a conspiracy, I tells ya! They are going to take all our hallucinogenics away and make them into pharmaceuticals which they will then sell back to us, but only to keep us chronically ill from all the radiation from their atomic explosions!"

"Emergency!"

"They will take all the plants that we eat and turn them into poisons. And the shelves will be full but the people will dare not to eat. And there will be war and pestilence. And mothers with sit crying with fatted babies starving, flies nibbling at their eyes, for the god they had worshipped wath Beelzebub, just go read that book by what's-his-name. And drones will fly around preventing protest, while their leaders will fly into space to mine gold and fight wars."

"911!"

"Exactly! 9/11 was an inside job! The war in Iraq was for Dick Cheney! Nutrasweet was for Donald Rumsfeld! Fukushima was built on LIES!!!"

"Listen buddy..."

"Vaccines cause autism! The JFK assassination evidence was a fraud! The Federal Reserve is run by the Rothschilds! NAZIs are in charge! Barack Obama is white!"

"Listen buddy. I just made some Jiffy Pop. How would you like this nice shiny piece of aluminum foil? Wouldn't it make a nice hat? Sure! You need a nice tinfoil hat, or else no one will take you seriously!"

"Whatever. If giving me a hat means you are actually listening, then whatever. Actually, a tinfoil hat would make a great Faraday Cage, protecting my brain from electromagnetic radiation from an EMP nuclear strike."

"You mean a solar flare."

SAME DIFFERENCE.

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